Surrendering: in Memphis on Monday!

It's been 2 weeks of not working.
3 weeks of 'detoxing' in Jackson.
1 month of coming to all of this.
Monday, October 17th, Candiss and I will pack my car, and head to the outskirts of Memphis, TN for me to spend a little while up there-Cordova, TN to be exact.  Fairhaven is the name of the place I'll be heading to.  Hello future new family!

It's been a hell of a year that's for sure. I know quite a few of my friends are trying to wrap their mind around what this process has been looking like.  What do I do all day if I "can't" work?  Am I just being lazy?  Do I just get to hang and socialize all day?  MAN that sound's great! *sarcasm*

There are so many words to use to attempt to describe the last 3 weeks.  It's not fun to talk through; mental breakdowns are normal peoples' real lives sometimes, and if I can be the voice of 'real' for this realm-then bring it on.

The excitement of a day.

I am here to exclaim that mental breakdowns aren't pretty.  It's something you don't talk about.  It's lots of concern from those who love me most, and lots of me avoiding it all.  It's lots of support that I know is there, am extremely thankful for, yet simultaneously extreme loneliness in my brain because of the rapid cycling leveling happening.  It's lots of heartache and helplessness for those watching and myself because the only thing left to do is wait for the meds to be gone.

I've always heard of these things and 'seen' them on movies, and that doesn't begin to express all that's wrapped up in them.  It's lots of fear, yet because I have Jesus it's somehow overwhelming peace because He has good plans for me. It's lots of blind trusting in His promises' from His word that is a product of His faithfulness and mercy towards me, His child.

I'm gonna miss these Ridgeland trails; but I'll be back.  They are so dang peaceful!

So..practically?
I can't do groups of people- at all; I have to take anxiety medicine to go to church (no shame in my game); I can't run with FF even though I want to.  I ENJOY running at 530/6am because I can attempt to remember the Meg that is in there.  I'm still spacey but not dreading the moments.  It's my favorite part of the day.  There's lots of cycling every few days of when my 'crash points' hit.  A crash point is when my brain decides it's done working for the next few hours. When that happens-all we do is WAIT.
I don't go out in public much because people scare me.  It's having panic attacks simply laying on the couch, so obviously not going 'out'.  Lack of sleep is a big one. There's lots of thoughts of 'I am ready to be better'.

It's lots of nothing; lots of waiting; lots of spaciness; trying to remember the 'me' that I am aiming for. It's endless lack of words of prayers.  It's frustration because I am here enough to know none of this is me, yet disassociated enough from life to do anything about it.
It's trying to re-find the Meg that was, that I want to be, and that is too lost inside myself screaming to come back.
It's lots of texts to check on me.  People caring enough to stop and see how I am.  What can they do? Pray. Wait with me.  Just don't leave.  And #mytribe has been rockin' at that more than I can express.

random paths on a random run in Clinton; be still my heart.

One word that has been re-appearing is 'surrender'.  I am having to surrender every facet of my life to each day.  My sanity (or lack there of right now!!) lies in the hands of my doctors.  I surrender my life to Fairhaven Monday. I surrendered the timeline I set for treatment.  I surrender all my plans for October, November, and December to getting better.  I am surrendering my plans to what He has always had planned, but I just now am getting the memo.  I sure will never know why this is in His plans, but it is; I get overwhelmed at the reality of it all, but never angry.  I will learn to continually surrender my plans for recovery.

His will is perfect.  This song is the cry of my heart, and those around me. Listen on.
The battleground is here; the armor is being put on.  Fighting is happening; I am ready to go get more armor and more people fighting directly with me.
Another journey to be added to my book of life.  It's one that I never wanted, or expected, but it's one that I know has to happen.
So Jackson; peace out.  I know you'll be here when I get back.  I can't wait, but it's time to go!