901: I'm comin' back for ya!

There's no way to slightly say it so let's just go for it. April 3rd I'll be going/moving (back) to Memphis; Cordova; Fairhaven.

Don't ask life plans because 'Oh Lord God only You know' sure applies right now. I know that I'm leaving my Fleet Feet family. I know I'm moving out of Renee' and I's house *tears*. I know I am going to have to transition my brain from Pinelake to Highpoint. I know that a timeline finally isn't set. I know that is terrifying yet the most freeing thing I'll probably ever do for myself.

Practical plan: I'll go to Memphis. Get back on my feet. For more than a little bit. Transition down in the program up there and get a job. Start to function in real life-see what works.
It's what I got; the end. 

I am essentially removing myself from any and all ties until I'm well enough to not go through this whole 'I'm fine...I'm dying..I'm fine...I'm dying' pattern. It doesn't get easier. I know with everything in me 'last time' was IT for a lot of things but not 'it' for everything; THAT IS OK. This doesn't mean I failed last time, but simply a learning experience.

Some ties will be broken and some won't. Thankful for these people to celebrate my 25th birthday with me and know they will always be on my team-no matter what city/country I live in.

 So here's my funny story about my life being inserted into a snippet that is usually unnoticed in Acts 27. (The harbor Fair Havens...I can't make this stuff up.)

Long story short Paul was trying to get to Rome and kept getting set back. The time comes to set sail; they get rerouted because of storms so they stop in this harbor named Fair Havens (I can't even...). Paul is like we need to stay! Everyone else doesn't trust him, so they are like nope- they figured they had it; they knew best; it couldn't be that bad. So, they keep going; Paul knew storms were going to take them out, but also knew they'd make it out okay.

"The terrible storm raged for many days, blotting out the sun and the stars, until at last all hope was gone." (v. 20)

The people were like OMG WHAT and Paul was like I BELIEVE GOD- we are gonna make it. So, long story short they made it out alive, but not without the shipwreck.

Making it out alive amidst the shipwreck with these beautiful girls.

I read this February 20th- right when these decisions were made.

I literally laughed as I read. 

Storms were raging so I finally sought (or thrown at) safety at Fair Haven in October. Storms were still happening but was sheltered and couldn't see it all, so I left 'confidently'. I didn't ask because I obviously know best. Fair Haven knew I was doing good but felt cautious.

So-I left- just like they did. And yes- the storms came within days; all the fears I had were happening. Anxiety, rapid changes, disassociation, intensified everything, the ability to function; all the things that already happened.

So finally (like them) I AM DONE. So- I take a leap of faith to hope I'll make it; they (FH) know I'm gonna make it- but not without the shipwreck. Sometimes all hope seems lost, but other times I know I'll make it out; it's lasting longer than I intended- like the people felt about theirs. But they survived and all I can do is cling to that my story will end like theirs.

Because the girl on the left thought all hope was gone despite the successes of an Ironman; the girls on the right are seeking true freedom and experiencing the before/during smiles of love in vulnerability found within recovery friendships.

It hasn't hit me yet I won't be here. That blog will happen eventually. ;)
But I'll still be back for some races. I'll just be a few hours north- so if anyone wants to road trip I'll be there for some time and totally accepting!<3 nbsp="" p="">