Post-boot life and bold faced words of hope

I have one week of  non-boot life under me.  One week of excitement, people high-fiving, giddy squeals, normal conversations with customers, happiness, jumping up and down to exclaim, seeing 2 white legs, ironman tattoo re-showing off, swimming, cycling, running around with kiddos, crossing my legs, sitting with my legs on the couch, and everything that I have dearly missed for 13 weeks.

So PoMegranate and I reunited.

I have one week of exercising back and wow did I forget what this life felt like.  When they told me I could swim and bike again I took it as 'free for all'.  I proceeded to see Susan a few hours later who 'subtly' informed me that my Three Oaks rules applied; everything I did in treatment still continued on.  This means no rides over 20 miles, no runs over 6 miles (when I get back to running), no 2 a-days.  This was a bubble buster to say the least, however I 'thought' I understood why and respected the decision we came to. 

Queue the weekend.

 

This weekend I rode 'long' but easy on Saturday (more than 20 miles), and rode hard Sunday afternoon for 20 miles (almost 19 mph baby!).  And let me just say; that can't happen again.  I so desperately want to be able to train like a normal person.  I enjoy the feeling after a hard ride, but it's what happens before and after that gets in the way.  I keep forgetting that at the end of the day I am not a 'normal' girl.  I have something in my way that will take longer than I realize to re-train within me.

I have chemicals in my brain that are finally balanced and for that I am more thankful and grateful that you will ever know, unless you've been here.  Unless you have gotten to FEEL what happens when a stupid pill takes over your brain and makes you induced to be bipolar.  Yep.  That was the official diagnosis.  I contemplated whether it was 'appropriate' for my blog however, it's not who I am, just a word; just a fact; NOT a definer.  It also makes the next paragraph even more powerful for my soul.

Therefore, it makes me so thankful I could scream (and have) of my thankfulness for my tribe.  Everyone who rallied beside me, who came to where I was in life and accepted my place.  Who listened to me ramble about who knows what, who saw the craziness I embodied and loved me despite it; who literally picked me up from work when I was so disassociated I couldn't drive.  Who stayed through my tears, screaming, sleeping for days, lack of sleeping, rages, unwise spontaneity moments, crazy texts and phone calls.  The people who rescued me when I was too lost inside myself to even realize it. Those are the people to keep; these are my breath of life.  The people who watched me start and finish Three Oaks, and the emotional rawness from that.  My work family who will hold a special place in my heart that let me non-chalantly talk about my days.  The friends that checked-in on me to see how I was.  I need a novel to relay the stories of people saving my life daily; to keep me from going too deep inside myself when all hope was lost.
Thank you doesn't suffice, but that's a good place to start.

work throw back pic!

I have been getting frustrated at as my 'thorn in my side' as Paul calls it.  I always wonder what his addiction was.  I know mine is an eating disorder-so what is his?  Even if he didn't have a classified 'addiction', what was his? To help you relate, fathom your 'thorn'.  Now imagine having to come into contact with it everyday multiple times a day (food). Now add in the coin of 'exercise control'.   Welcome to recovery.

Anyways, so where does this bring me?  It brings me back to square one.  It brings me back to swimming, and only riding my trainer for an hour.  It brings me to not riding outside unless I have to with the training group, and when so only riding with the back of the pack.  It brings me to exercising for the good of my body and not training (competing/comparing) my talents with everyone else's.  It takes me away from some social aspects but continues to bring me to new ones.

This is a 'new' facet of recovery as a dear friend of mine called it, and that is what *this* is.  Post-boot life is a new realm to figure out.  It's one that is not a blast, yet simultaneously so much fun.  This is not what 24 was expected to be, but I wouldn't want to be anywhere else.

So.  Here goes something. 

My long standing friend: Super Summer.

The girl TL's and myself.  Loved doing Lime school with them!

Super Sunmer 2016 is one for the books. I can hardly wait to look back on this time of life and simply smile and have such joy over what God is capable of; how weak I truly am and how huge He is. If you would've told me in April, still atThree Oaks, (if you're a super summer friend and are just getting in, click here to get in the know) that I was going to be stable enough to adequately handle and endwell in super summer- I would've doubted you. But God is so perfect in His timing that BAM I'm here. I've been in awe all week over that I'm even here. I'm stable. I'm living normally. Wow is all I can say and experience and feel.

Lime Lime Lime Lime Lime

So. I am on 'Servant Staff' which means I help make Lime school happen. My position is called 'Team Leader Coordinator' "TLC". Super summer is a camp of leaders in the youth group; it's the 'what's next?' in a sense. So the TL's have small groups; so I am over the TL's and help them through the week.

And can I just say: IT'S AWESOME! I love pouring into new people; learning where they come from; meeting where they are in life and continuing for a week. Hearing how they pour out, and encouraging them in the process is epic. Being here with BVBC as a leader with our girls is wonderful because most of them I got to teach while they were in the kids ministry; what a cool sight to experience.. I am 'adulting' hard core this week! 



All the TL's. What a stellar crew.

Our lime school staff is SOLID. 6 guys and myself. All 6 of them are employed at a church/BSU... and then me. (Yes-it was intimidating at first.) I've gotten to know them all, see and hear their ways of teaching, and have them encourage me through my first time teaching a lesson. I got the privilege of teaching a session for lime school; Nehemiah 6. Bringing the Word of God to a bunch of eager high schoolers is a one in a million experience. To know I am truly just being used by Him for the teaching of His word; having a new reality of God that was experienced and loved. Not even in a 'church high' type thing, but more of a practically speaking, doing something new means a new realm of God to explore. Then, that night also with my first round of leading worship; surprise! So thankful for Nathan to encourage me and trust me with that; equally as awesome. Thankful for lime school as a whole for being so uplifting to my soul during, and after.  2 for 1 firsts happened in one day and man it was a lot. New realms of God have been experienced and I am overwhelmed at 2 things. 

1) the vastness of Christ and how intimate He is with us. 

2) the vastness of Satan and how intimate he wants to be with Christs people. 

That one time the power went out and Jared kept going.  Oh.  Yeah.

The last 2 weeks have been the struggle overall quite honestly. So many thoughts, patterns, and everything else has been replayed in my mind.

Satan wants so bad to win. The attack is incredible. If this is what it's like to be a youth pastor/music pastor/senior pastor, then wow. A whole new level of interaction with God has had to happen moment-by-moment. I'm thankful for the opportunity to lead and saddened over how my heart can be so full of joy, yet so quickly full of deceit.  The balance of I didn't choose this but still am in charge of seeking recovery is one that is still overwhelming, and one that I am still figuring out day by day.

We accidentally unintentionally assigned seats, and these were the people I did lime school with personally!

Super summer is a long standing friend I plan to keep in my life. Getting to serve alongside my youth minister from high school, Adam, on servant staff has been beautiful. He has been with me my entire walk with Christ, has taught me ions about the bible, and is how I based my decisions for a church home on; he set the bar high. It was a cool experience getting to hear him preach and then the next day following suit. It continues with a dear buddy, Amanda Jo, being a TL. I have had the honor of being her friend, but also in high school helping her learn and seek Christ, and now she's doing the same for others. 

Disciples making disciples making disciples. 

What a picture of the Church. 

My attempt at a selife with the BVBC group.

Practically speaking it's been exhausting!! We stay up past 12 every night and go go go! (For some that's fine but helloooooooo I go to bed around 9/930 and wake up at 4/5!) So my body is sufficiently confused and I can't wait to sleep all weekend. As camp comes to a close I can only be thankful that I have the ability to be here. The experience of seeing students chase after knowledge. The refreshed Spirit within me. And also the reality of my depravity. 

Some of the TL's and myself at hibachi.  Yeah. We had some fun.

Cool week. Cool stuff. 

Back to work Monday, but not without spending the entire weekend sleeping.
No. Shame.

LIME SCHOOL FOR LIFE