No matter what may come, Your people press on.

Peep at my new fun shorts.

Christmas has come and gone, and boy was it one to be remembered! I had one party before, and then of course Christmas Eve. They do everything on Christmas Eve, so I spent it with my dear French, Disney princess name friend, Aurora. She graciously invited me to celebrate with her. We celebrated with a bunch of boys ages around 7-17. It was so special. Over here the ‘typical’ Christmas is you go to mass, make dinner, eat dinner REALLY late (we ate just before midnight!), then the kiddos open presents at midnight. You put baby Jesus in the manger at midnight as well. They don’t put Him in until then because, symbolically we don’t celebrate His birth until the 25^th. So, that happened. It was fun to hang out with all the boys, and gain a new good buddy, Aurora; we talked all through the night. She was so supportive to me, knowing I have been struggling. She checked in with me all night and was extremely helpful when I got really anxious. It was refreshing to my heart.

We decided to exchange Christmas happies (for my Peruvian friends: it's basically like a small fun present name.)

She made delicious desserts!

Here we are saying good-bye to 2019, and hello to 2020! What a freaking year it has been. I began the year terrified of going back to treatment. I had surpassed my 5-month pattern, but barely. I began the year wishing to live overseas, but convinced myself I couldn’t because of my mental state. But. God. God began putting the desire back into my heart, and I blindly went with it. Everything happened so smoothly, so July 20^th I left America to live in my new home. I had high highs, and some pretty intense lows here recently. Overall, 2019 has been such a year for me. I held a stable job for a whole year; the last time that happened was 2015. I didn't go to treatment; the last year I didn't go was 2015. *yikes* 2019 brought such happiness and such heartache and I look back at what the Lord has done and stand in awe that I am standing here in South America-conquering myself in the middle of a storm, with God fighting for me right by my side.

Here we go 2020!

So, 2020? If you have been with me for some time, then you know I like to dedicate a word to the year. This year? Freedom. So cliché but, there’s depth of learning related to it. I have been learning the ins and outs of freedom, and I want that to continue. That boundaries create freedom for both parties involved. That you can hate the things that God hates and create freedom within His love. I have been praying to hate those things, and to love those that God loves. It’s simple for my best friends, but what about those that offend you; have hurt you to the core of your being? That is where my heart needs help. Experiencing His love so closely that your only response is to love because He first loved us. I want to be so intimate with His love that I have complete freedom to live inside His love because I am starting to grasp His love for me, and want that to only deepen for the year.

Buddies that show me love who make it so easy to love back.

Oh! Side story. I went to Chivay because my friend, Noelia, invited me! I was not feeling my best to say the least, but still had fun for what I did participate in. I am thankful because she and the girls never made me feel bad or made a big deal that I wasn’t myself. It was such an experience to see God’s creation all around. It was beautiful and I cannot wait to take my dad and Dawn there in April!

The girls and I in the valley.

Don't be deceived. It was wet, cold, and rainy. But, a funny memory nonetheless...after.
Noelia kept saying 'la adventura!!' Thanks for keeping it fun amidst the cold and rain.

So, life is going. The darkness has finally let up (finally, after about 5 weeks y’all) and I am so thankful. I am so happy to reacquaint with Meg again. I am eager to see what God brings for 2020.

I bring You glory for all You’ve brought me through, and now I’m ready for whatever You want to do.

Words flow out into the night.

I have prayed through and thought through this blog. If I would write it. If I could gain the inner strength to say I am not ok. If I could let the people who doubted if I could do this, 'win'.
But. Here I am.

Meet my 3:50 class. They have journeyed with me, and will always hold a piece of my heart.

I am figuratively around 4am on my climb up to summit Chachani. When all was dark. I knew the sun was coming in just a few hours, but, I couldn't get out of my head to see the big picture. I was only focused on each second of survival 6000 km above sea level. I questioned if I would make it, but nevertheless persisted. *Spoiler alert: I made it, and cried over the majesty of our great God.*
But right now, the top is still in the darkness.
I am in an 'episode' of darkness let's just say, that happens in my life every 5 months, outside of my control. What I CAN control is: how I can still choose joy/my mindset, how I react, and how I ask for help. In America, my friends know this happens, and know how to 'handle' me. They know it is temporary and constantly encourage me in that.  Now, I am in Peru. While I have good friends, they have not been on this journey with me; they were not there when all fell apart.They were not with me as I cried on the floor so many times. However, they are jumping in head first and I am forever grateful.

Two buddies who took me shoe shopping where I was initiated into being a full-on Peruvian.

Well, here I am falling apart yet again. But, this time will be different; IS different.
The Lord blessed my life with (and I do not say this lightly) the best therapist in my life: AnaLu. She is helping me pray so many new prayers; learn endless amounts about myself in Christ. She called me out our very first session, and though it shocked me, I knew she was the one. She is helping me see that God didn't like when x,y,z was happening when I was a kid and was there with me. Teaching me to pray to hate the things that God hates. To pray through Psalm 23. She also teaches me why my brain does what it does. She prays so fiercely for me that it is the best part of my week. (Ok I am at a place where I need to see her 2x week--so I get it twice a week!) She comes and sits next to me, holds my hands so tightly, and you can feel that she is genuinely talking to Jesus, interceding for me, and I just have the privilege to listen in. She is gracious, yet holds me accountable.

Some buddies that make life more fun.

So by the Lord's hand, AnaLu helping me, and the fight within me, I will make it through; here across the world; in the time of life I have yearned for 7 years. I feel the need to specify--this is not culture shock. I have the best life I could imagine, and yet darkness comes so hard I can barely stand myself. Disassociation comes in the middle of class, and my students are nothing but wonderful. My friends at school have noticed, and are nothing but encouraging to me. Reminding me how much they value me, and how I will make it through.

We played secret Santa and this was mine. She made me that amazing art work of encouraging notes, and my final present was a beautiful Peruvian hand bag with chocolate!

In other news, I am spending Christmas with my French friend from school, Aurora! She has graciously invited me and I am so excited to do a typical Peruvian Christmas with her, her husband, and his family (he is Peruvian). Over here, they stay up until midnight on the 24th, and open presents then. Which-my dad sent me a Christmas package! I bought color street for lots of my buddies here, and it was THE most fun thing getting to run around handing them out. My dad sent me some things that I wanted, and it was such a fun part of the week. I also ordered for him to send me a Rachel Hollis necklace that says 'not sorry'. And, what a time to wear this. To be not sorry for being so much, not sorry that I struggle with depressive episodes. Being not sorry for having such an overwhelming personality. I am thankful to have this necklace and wear it to remind myself to indeed, not be sorry. Rachel Hollis, you are a life changer and without you I wouldn't be standing here in Peru. She has inspired me to step into who I am and help me fight for ME. If you are interested, go buy the book 'Girl, Stop Apologizing', and get ready for your life to be changed.

'I take my coffee with Rach and Dave' mug and not sorry necklace!

So, I am going. I am fighting. The Lord is fighting for me, and I am taking up my staff and fighting for myself with Him inside of me. Because the same power that conquered the grave, lives in me.

I simply love reading back blogs of how the Lord provided in my crashes, and I want to be able to stand in awe of who He is. So, here we are.
Time to celebrate the birth of our Savior. To celebrate God in flesh. Perfection on Earth. I hope you don't miss the moments, and count each blessing as I am learning to do everyday.

More and more pics with more Peruvians!

Another week, come and gone. New classes, new faces to get to learn and impact. I love teaching. I love my classes. December is a busy month because classes end the 23rd so we have less teaching days, so class times are a little longer now. Whew!

These are some new buddies; Jose, and Noelia. They took me to this huge market. It was bustling with lots of people, lots of things to buy, and lots of places to purchase various Peruvian foods. I tasted their juice/smoothie and wow was it delicious!! It was fun to just go out with people my age. I have not been doing that much here, and it is so refreshing to be with people close to my age. (early 30's)

I was a bit intimidated but stuck next to them and all was well.

So EXCITING news in my life. I have a Peruvian therapist!!! I have never gone this long without a therapist since 2015 when my eating disorder recovery journey attempted to start. I had my American therapist the first 2 months but decided it wasn't worth it anymore so have just been managing myself. Let me just say--that might not of been my wisest decision but, I have one now and she was WELL worth the wait.

Lemme tell you how we got to each other. Backtrack like 2/3 months ago-I went with a friend to her bible study. Analu (new therapist) was there unbeknownst that she'd become my therapist a few months later! So, I posted on this expat AQP page asking for an English speaking therapist and someone threw Analu's name out, so I texted her. Fast forward to this week. We met and she remembered me from months' ago at Bible study!! I could't believe it. 

There has to be literally one of her--a native Peruvian, fluent English speaking, Christian, trained in the states- therapist. We jumped right into it the first session and I am more than elated to work with her. 

This is apart of her office. She is actually moreso a family therapist, but
is willing to help English speakers out since she's fluent. 

Ice cream friday on tap. It has been lunch club's thing since month one, and I look forward to every Friday because we all get the same thing and it's so fun.

Lunch club!

I had a revelation was about His mercies about 2 weeks ago I forgot to share, found my writings about it, and it applies to my last few weeks all too well. I have written on my mirror, ‘His mercies are new every morning’. And while it is true, I don’t think I was living into that. I realized that when He says His mercies, He means every choice that was made yesterday—whether positive or negative. That whatever happened yesterday is gone, and that He wants to give me a new morning; a new day. He TELLS us that every morning is a start over. It’s a new chance to ‘do the next right thing’. It’s a new chance to bring glory to my body so that my mind can be clearer to serve Him more. When I am not nourished like I should be, while in class, I can tell. And, I never want my students to not get the best version of me. He gives me a new day which means you get it as well. You and I have a chance every morning to reflect on the day before and make more choices to live for His name and renown. 

On a great run, it was a clear morning and Chachani was so beautiful.
I still can't believe I summitted that volcano.

Oh! I hardly forgot. For those keeping up, this is med mishap number 3. I swear the box said what I needed!!! But, clearly by my reaction, something was amidst. All my red flags of 'omgsh you took something wrong' were going off. Cue 2 days of complete disarray in my brain, and day 3 an awkward mix of ok/not ok/not sure. But, I am good to go for the week of teaching that lies ahead.

So, here we go. Midterms are Friday and lots of material stands between now and then, so cheers to the students for learning it all in a shorter period of time!

Thanksgiving weekend with lots of pictures included!

Well. Thanksgiving has come and gone, and we are well on our way to Christmas! I am SO thankful for this gal. This is Andrea. We are buddies. She wanted to hang with me on Thanksgiving to make it more special since otherwise at school we were giving finals. 

It was a memorial holiday because it was such a stark dichotomy of class, celebrating and chatting with Andrea, and then back to school to give finals, and break some hearts of them not passing. Oh well. It's part of the process. I got to video my dad and family, and Andrea got to meet them ha! It was a bit odd to be in and out so fast. But overall it was a good day, and I am so thankful for that. God was so faithful to give me everything I needed exactly when it was needed, and all the more.

We got holiday drinks as per requested by me.

On Friday, after a teacher meeting, (because it was between cycles we didn't have class), some of us went out for lunch! I am really loving it here more and more because I am finding the people I want to be friends with. I am feeling included at school. Teachers want to be my friend and it feels really great to be seen and be heard. Some new friends want to take me trekking soon, so stay tuned for those pictures and stories! We have lots of fun in the teacher's lounge chatting away!

Pisco punch--I understand the name now.

So, I have now gotten a piercing in a foreign country. Pretty cool.

The guy was really nice, and even gave me another earring!!

It hurt more than expected, but was over quickly so--oh well.
It looks cool so worth it.

I ran 20 miles (32km)!! I was planning on about 16/17 but at about 12ish I decided I felt great and wanted 20. So, off I went for 20 miles. I went alllllllll over the city. My skin is pretty red because of the sun, and I was WIPED after, but it was so worth it. I also am training myself to not rely on music for running again, so I didn't listen to anything. I just kinda existed. I sang songs to Jesus and talked to Him some, saw sights, and got lost a lot so was preoccupied with that. It was a great run, and I can't wait for next weekends long run. Who knows what it will bring!

I proceeded to sit there for quite a few mintues.

Finally, church on Sunday. It was SO good. If you have not seen it, click here. It is well worth your time. ¨Confident expectation for the future, based in God--HOPE.¨ He talked about how if we don't Amen God, He will not Amen you. That we also have to put in some effort. This is not a one way street. He talked about how Jesus was the coming Messiah, and talked about Matthew 1:18-25; the story of Him being born. To not let fear rob you of hope! But he ended with talking about why to have hope in God--because He is faithful. He is faithful in the midst of storms, He guards us against the evil one, He is faithful when I am not, and He has new mercies every morning. It was such a filling day, and prepared me for the busy week that is ahead.

I love my Pinelake community. I was a few minutes late and they were wondering if I was going to log in. I have community with my home church thousands of miles away, and it is so refreshing to my soul to worship alongside them. 

Live worship is so fun.

Overall it was a good week. Some sadness over not being in America, but hopeful expectation for next year to be everything I want and then more. Hopeful expectation for what December will have for me. It is a BUSY month at school, but busy keeps me going so, bring it on! I got some great friends and a great God on my side, so anything is possible. :)