I hope the spark in my face of new life and freedom continues to grow.

This time last year I wrote a blog called Contentment Year where I made bold claims towards 2016; some were on point about growth, and one about 2016 being 'another year', and not 'the' year.....

Boy was I wrong.

I laugh at the fact I claimed 2016 to be 'another' year, yet it all too quickly became the year that I found rock bottom, but then got to build a new foundation upon; one that is changing the course of my life.
I can't help but hold the emotions of sadness and thankfulness simultaneously; that half of 2016 was spent in treatment. That I was really that broken; I really came to the end--twice. That I realized I needed help, and had/have a multitude of people journey beside me and fight with me.

I spent my birthday; Mardi Gras; Easter; Halloween; Thanksgiving; Jesus' birthday; New Years amidst treatment. I spent countless hours, nights, mornings, road trips, life experiences doing homework, life work, mindfulness work, processes, art, music, and all the things involved to seek recovery.

Christmas Even run with FF was EPIC; 2 people who've stood beside me and prayed me through 2016.

I hope I never grow tired of smiling when I talk about Fairhaven. I hope the intensity of the 3 weeks leading to Fairhaven doesn't dissipate. I hope I never lose the fire of experiencing newfound core beliefs I deemed weren't possible. I want to keep seeking my 'euphoric grey land'.  I hope the spark in my face of new life and freedom continues to grow. I desperately want to keep recovery.

I want recovery. I want recovery for all it's worth. I want to fight; to struggle; to FEEL; to LIVE; to BE; to embody TRUE freedom; to know what that even means. I want to continue to find the rainbow yet grey land; to seek confidence only found in Self. I need to continue to separate Ed and Bipolar as 'parts'; know there is a Meg 'Self' and know who she is apart from them. I want to eat ice cream at 10 pm; have a salad because it's yummy; run 15 miles because of the high, not because of high caloric foods. I want to have chocolate covered raisins on January 1st because I LOVE them; not start the latest fat diet.

Candiss' girlie whom my heart loves/adores/cherishes

So. Here we go 2017. I finished this year by not going to Gulfport for Christmas; I spent it with one of my BFF's, Candiss, and her family of FIVE kiddos. Oh boy was that a glorious experience!

I spent time with my Fleet Feet fam. whom I can't wait to be united with, and finished the trip with my Church family.
In case I haven't ranted enough about my love for Pinelake, I'm going to continue. The kiddos that my heart loves to teach made me Christmas cards. They were filled with cuteness, 'Jesus loves you', 'Merry Christmas', 'praying for you', and my personal favorite: "Hi. I'm a new girl. You must be really nice. Can't wait to meet you." COULDN'T MAKE THIS STUFF UP!

Thanks Bethany for making this happen! Best. Christmas gift. Ever.

The fact Jesus is teaching me identity lessons in my instagram literally makes me laugh.
See the picture below.
The left half is a girl who didn't want her face to be seen because she was seeking to be filled with perfection. She didn't think she was worth it; she didn't believe in the word beauty. She thought she had 'freedom', but didn't comprehend what that means.
The right half is a girl who is seeking to accept imperfection. A girl who is learning to seek compassion. She is trying to keep the raw freedom she is discovering. She values friendships, late night talks, quiet mornings with Jesus; she wants to experience the inevitable growing moments life is throwing at her. She is thankful and joy filled because stability is being found, and that is a miraculous experience she never wants to minimize.

One moment in group that really showed me how much I've learned is one day there was a new woman who joined and she was talking about some struggles she was having and Kelley (my individual) was leading the group; knowing I was battling similar things she looked at me to impart to her what I'm learning. So-I encouraged and talked, I finished and Kelley was like 'I can leave if you want and you can do this'. Obviously we all laughed and continued on, but I realized I wasn't just saying those things. I'm not just doing them like I came into FH doing; following along but not believe them to be true. I am now doing all the things because I BELIEVE them. The shift in my mind is happening before our eyes; THAT is astounding, miraculous personally. 

My response was that I have a great therapist who has taught me well. Divine appointments are real and the intricacies of who was given me to gently (and sometimes not as gently but always compassionately) see 2x a week with was DEF planned. 

So. Week 11 came and went; work is being put in; new parts of my heart are being seen. Despite the fear and shame, learning to let go is a surprising, refreshing experience.

Hello 2017 to welcome in week 12/month 3 in Cordova.

Fro-yo in 27 degree weather, and group experiences that are unexplainable

Hello Christmas! What a unique experience to be at treatment until Christmas Adam.
It's been a killer week as far as progress goes-I think I've made a month's progress in the span of 48 hours...literally. This is the point in this blog where I lose words because if you didn't already know-group therapy is the most intensive thing in life; it's a perfect portrayal of what the Church should be. Though not everyone believes that Jesus is the Son of God, that He died for us, and rose again, we all come together on the common ground of God; that there IS a higher power helping us with recovery.
Anyways, I've been approaching all the topics I find shame in, what I find shameful, why I find them shameful, and how to find freedom outside those walls. As I get more and more into recovery I remember more; it's such a beautiful experience because I heard of that happening but of-course I was convinced that I was above that rule-HAH.

Sasha and I have had some fun times this week. Like getting fro yo in the midst of the cold front. I couldn't believe I had that whole thing as a snack, but I loved every second. Realizing I didn't 'screw' up my day, but just listened to what my body was craving is such a new realm of life I never knew possible until now!

For 2 days our afternoon group consisted of 'the odd couple', and that was wonderful simply because our level of trust for each other. This week our apartment was filled with great conversations about life, Jesus, yet sitting in silence, Christmas present talk, and of-course playing with Nadia.

Sasha joined 'phase 2' with me this week, and the thing we both value is the intimacy and vulnerability levels that we all come to. Everyday as some point group is intense; filled with emotional trauma talk, figuring out more and more what Ed and other mal-adaptive behaviors provided for us, and coming face-to-face with shame and intense emotional moments.

In other news, I have found a girl, Bridget, that loves Jesus so much, and we are prayer partners. Having another person be so in tune with the Spirit is a blessing to my life.

Below is something that I've been striving to view everyday with every meal. The red is 'diet' mentality, and the green is the realm we should be in. 

So, here we go Christmas! I am going to Jackson to spend most of it with my BFF Candiss and couldn't be anymore elated to wake up with FIVE kiddos my heart loves so dearly! I'll see dad for a few hours Christmas Eve, but overall Candiss and Meg are back in action!

Week 9's ramblings of celebrating friends, Summers departure, and the redeeming love of phase 2.

9 weeks. I'll always have to start each blog with that for 2 reasons: each week I'm overwhelmed by the number rising, and so I can keep up with it HAH!

Getting to celebrate my 'other half's' birthday was a beautiful experience! We are dubbed 'the odd couple' because literally imagine the opposite version of me, and you have Sasha. We have begun to think on the same wave length because more than once we have texted each other simultaneously. We can sit in silence forever and not think twice about it, then jump into random conversations ranging from aimless life chats, to past experiences leading us to present day.

God sure had a plan bringing us to Fairhaven at the same time; divine timing is a beautiful thing.

That thing was GLORIOUS. 

Facetiming my MAD clan while I spend quality time with PoMegranate (my bike) is so fun. I can't wait to be back in Jackson to continue these dates and many more in person!

The 'Meg face' is always a favorite.

In case you missed it, I was in a car wreck on Tuesday. I was driving straight, the other car was trying to turn left; he had a yield green type deal, and missed my blue car apparently. It was one of those moments where I saw that he was about to hit me and it was RIGHT where I was sitting so there was no avoiding it so I simply braced myself for the fate I was given. I spun, 3 airbags went off, smoke emerged, and I stopped in the middle of the road. I drove 4 feet to the gas station adjacent to where I was hit, and so did he. We proceeded to call the cops, and my first call was to Fairhaven to tell them to get Vanessa to come get me. Vanessa showed up 10 minutes later and kept me company as my car was towed, the claims were made, and all the things involved in the process. I went to FH after and simply hung out there for a little while to calm down and process the fact Summer is probably totaled. 

As of now I have the police report, we are planning an agent to come asses my car to deem it totaled and thus time to find another car. Round 3; this has to be a joke.

At the time I didn't feel anything, but as adrenaline left my body, my neck and lower back became sore and stiff, and my arms were hurting. I went to the doctor and they said I strained muscles in my lower back and neck, and gave me meds to help. I am feeling better everyday, and I am so thankful to be at a place in recovery to be able to handle this physically, mentally, and emotionally. Recovery is something that flows to every part of life, and I sure learned that Tuesday!

My friends are too entertaining to either appreciate my jokes, or give them to me!

 Friday was probably one of the best days superficially of group. We had parties to celebrate Jenni and to wish Jo Jo and Becca good-bye; two vital group members. Jo Jo and I have such similar recovery stories; it is a beautiful thing to watch and be apart of someone's transforming life.
We dressed up, so I was an elf ;) and then got too hot so my friend cut me a shirt to be 'trendy'. THANKS LAUREN! So alas, Jenni is gone but her spirit lives here because she changed many lives.

Bridget and I switched shoes because we are cute that way.

SO thankful for this lady. 

SO. As far as therapy goes, this week was a beautfully bonding one. I learned and grew closer to each girl in phase 2; I was so resistant to go but God knew the week I needed to transfer and this was a golden one. Lots of breakthroughs for them and myself. Lots of raw, authentic, tear-filled, messy, redeeming moments for many of us.

I personally am working through body image, which is one of the biggie's for breaking up with Ed. The breakup is long, draining, filled with being done and desiring him back. But ultimately knowing he is toxic and a person that I never want to be consumed with again.

So. It's going, and I can hardly wait for week 10 to see what it holds.

Life lessons deserve a mid-week ramble

I have been ingesting about a month's worth of therapy in a span of 4 days. I couldn't really wait another 4 days to blog because who knows what else I will be learning/experiencing.

There are so many things to talk about so I'll start with the 'lighter' one. 

One of the key parts of Fairhaven that is changing the course of my life is the amount of food that I eat, and internalize that I NEED.

The fact that my body is still here simply amazes me. Realizing how many nutrients and energy sources I deprived my body of makes me thankful for my life; thankful to be able to dance, sing, twirl in circles, crunch leaves in the yard, do sports my heart loves, coach, craft; the list could go on.

The knowledge that my perception of 'normal' was so vastly skewed by a LONG SHOT is mind blowing. The fact that I fought for so long and gave up the fight by walking in these doors is even longer of a shot.

That would be all thanks to my in-your-face, 1/2 the time telling me no, calling me on my safe foods, telling me to buy FREAKING butter, rest day encouraging, teaching, non-judging, compassionate, loving dietitian, Jenni.

My phrase to her is 'DAMMIT JENNI; THANK YOU!' because she challenges me, pushes me, encourages me, and has gently thrown me into this new world of feeling deserving of food even when I don't run/cycle. Of feeling content eating a cookie because I want one; having a salad with lots of things on it because it's yummy; simply LIVING the life that I've missed out on for so long.

Like sitting on the couch with Nadia enjoying the fire

I'll never get over the fact that I am so comfortable and content with the amount of food/calories I eat in a day. Like. DANG. I love getting to eat chocolate covered raisins, the fancy yogurt and granola, mac and cheese, sweet potato fries, and last but not least CALORIC DRINKS FROM STARBUCKS BECAUSE THEY ARE YUMMY AND IT'S OK TO DRINK CALORIES SOMETIMES.

So. Food is the physical reason I'm here and some war fighting and victory has been happening.

I also will never get over the fact that I want to do triathlons as a SPORT. If I'm being honest with you, I was always confused why some of my friends did triathlons because they were already 'skinny' and didn't need to lose anymore weight. So, why do a sport that just burns calories? 

OH MEG.

For the first time I am seeing their perspective. I get glimpses when I am doing a hard workout that I am not simply doing this to burn calories anymore, but because I enjoy the rush I get; the adrenaline; the satisfaction of seeing my body overcome so many things.

Getting to fall in love with running and cycling again is a beautiful, redeeming experience that I'll never be able to communicate that I appreciate. 

Like getting the confidence to buy the shorts Ed told me for 2 years I couldn't buy because my thighs touch and the shorts are tight. But. NO. HECKYES.

*In group we give this one therapist a hard time because she does 'hard left turns' meaning she changes topics quickly; so in Terri form I am taking one of those.*

1) What do you fear?

2) Where does your pride lie?

1) shame and judgement 

2) my athletic numbers

Church on Sunday ended with those two questions. Little did I know God had bigger plans that just Sunday at Highpoint with those questions.

Of-course on Monday (yes 24 hours after that) Kelley and I talk about the perceived expectations I have of myself from others via running, and the topic of shame and why I feel that towards specific things in my life.  

I have such a huge self-critic part that I am learning more about and that needs a separate home regarding all of this. So much of my beliefs, I am learning, stems from what OTHER PEOPLE either have given me the reason to perceive myself, I have given myself the reason to judge me, or simply taught me 'beliefs' with no valid explanation. Other people seemed to be the driving force of the conversation; I am learning I don't really know why I believe some of my core beliefs, and getting to figure them out and re-wire my brain physically, emotionally, and spiritually is a pretty tough but empowering process.

Getting to fight the fear with Light is a draining, raw, messy, but fulfilling, restful, redeeming part of Fairhaven that I never would've done.

No shame will be found in the fact that I walk Nadia while eating my various breakfast foods

So. Though I'm here for a little while longer; Jenni won't be. My sadness is overwhelming but my happiness for her life transition is hopeful. So. Her leaving made me ponder and revisit the Meg that walked in the doors of Fairhaven 8 weeks ago. To look at her, feel sad for her, learn from her, and never go back to her again. To never forget the Meg that was so that I can always be thankful for the Meg that I am becoming.

To look at the progress Fairhaven has given me, cry tears of thankfulness, scream shouts of joy-filling freedom, and await the coming weeks' lessons.

WEEK 8. Weekend wonders and new words declaring my livelihood

I thought this was going to be when I left FH. That I only needed an 8 week 'tune up' for lack of words. But. No. Of-course my timeline has no effect on God's.

This past week I have done a LOT of processing. About the function of my eating disorder; what it provided for me, and what I can do for myself now. I personally also go into HOW much the symptoms of bipolar are rampant within Ed. It never ceases to amaze me to see how bound my life was before Fairhaven, and how much freedom I get to seek and find here.

I am reading Revelation, and this Christmas bible reading plan. I've never really done this before so it's such an eye-opening experience! So far my favorite is this. Isaiah 57. Verse 4 is pretty much the summary of what FH is helping me get to;

FEAR NOT; SHAME IS NOT THE DEFINITION OF YOUR LIVELIHOOD.

He redeemed; He is holy; He is over the Earth.

THAT is my new found definition. REDEEMED.

In other news my foot is ascting up again so I spend my days cycling; doing various workouts. I'll never be able to express how FH is redeeming my view of triathlons. That I never TRULY viewed it as my sport until about a month ago. That I FUEL my body FOR the love of the sport. That I need rest days, recovery days, hard days; days where I simply listen to my body for what it needs. 

THAT my friends is what an athlete is, and I am learning and yearning with my whole heart to be that every day.

2017-I'm coming for ya; Meg is back in action for racing!

Since we last 'talked' I went home again. I partied it up at FF's Christmas party. It was such a beautiful time to JUMP right back into my staff who loves, supports, and misses me ALMOST as much as I miss them.

tacky dress up parties is what we do; we go all out for any and everything.

The most filling thing that can happen for my heart is walking in the doors of Pinelake; where the whole staff prays for me thanks to Bethany. Supportive of the fact that yes God is in this, but I needed more help than I was able to find; that Jesus PLUS treatment is still glorying in the Lord. THAT is how you know you found the capital C Church . Leading those kiddos to learn about trusting and obeying God was such a one in a million experience.
I also got to hang out with my small group Sunday afternoon.  These ladies pray for me, send me mail, and love me in my place of life.

We saw The Nutcracker and went to dinner and played dirty santa!

So. Week 8 is done. 

I am more and more grateful for the Sovereignty of God for placing Sasha (roomie), Nadia (her/our dog), and I in the same apartment. We are officially known as 'the odd couple'. We are as opposite as people come; if you've seen the movie 'Inside Out', one of my friends described as a 'happy' and 'sad'. *Sasha isn't a sad person, but simply isn't as expressive with her feelings towards life-I sure make up for that*. So. That's fun, and wonderful, and I can't even ponder having to leave her.

There's so much going on that it seems impossible to encompass everything that I am learning; doing; seeing; experiencing; feeling. This is my effort to remember what I want to remember because hey-this is the blog where I can look back and glory in where I was, is going, and want to be.

Passionately committing

Well. I started week 6 blog, walked away, didn't come back, and now here we are to blog about week 7. That just feels awkward. 7 weeks of Fairhaven. 7 weeks of changing the course of my life.
I'm gonna try to not skip over week 6 because it was Thanksgiving!

Thanksgiving day at the cabin with the fam. is always a party.

I had the best Thanksgiving Turkey Day 8k morning a girl whose missed Jackson could have.  I was greeted with such happiness and was elated myself. I jumped right back into the FF family. Staff has changed, but the closeness of our staff carries over; it's incredible. That made my anxious heart calm and apart of the family that my heart longs to be back with. The FF community was so welcoming and happy to see my face back. I was thankful to start the morning with the crew and I have no amount of words to express my admiration for everyone happy to ask how I was, and genuinely encourage my pause of life.

I love my staff. The end.

So the weekend was pretty big because MY SISTER GOT MARRIED Y'ALL! I was so happy to drive to NOLA to celebrate her. We ate lots of yummy foods, got ready, looked pre-tay, and celebrated!

I love my sissy!

Week 7 started off with a BANG. My individual therapist, Kelley, is gone this week for some training which makes me sad. Last week I did my first speed work session and it went GREAT! (6:15's baby!) I was supposed to race St. Jude 5K and had high ambitions to crush it. 

DUN DUN DUN. 

Wednesday I was running- did 1 800 @ RP and BAM. The all known too well fractured foot feeling came soaring back. Not as intense-but the same twinge, dull pain, annoying limp when I first stand up, and lots of other frustrating things.

So thankful for such close friends like Elizabeth to encourage me in running, recovery, and life in general. Doing life with #mytribe is worth recovery.

Another aspect I am thankful for is a December Christmas bible reading plan I'm doing with Elizabeth and Amanda. In Isaiah 9 it talks about what the Lord is going to accomplish with the Messiah. I am always blown away by the fact THOUSANDS of years before Jesus was here, He was being prophesied about and worshiped. One phrase my recovery bible used in v.7 was 'passionate commitment'. It was specifically talking about how the Lord would do all the things He said he would in the preceding verses, like bringing to light darkness and giving birth to Christ, our Mighty God.

Passionate commitment.

THAT is what I want my recovery to embody.  I have been making strides and claims to 'love hard'; to be an 'activist for voices who can't'; to 'follow my passions'. And. THIS is it. Passionately commit to recovery and the rest of life will fall into place. JUST like following Christ and being in His word will simultaneously put us in the center of His will no matter the circumstance. Being in His word; passionately committing to recovery will get us to full recovery and redemption in Him.

Recovery wouldn't be possible without these ladies by my side. Processing my life, their life, and all that encompasses it.

Apart from my Jesus time, group itself is good. I am learning a lot about separating Ed from Meg. (He is officially a person vs. MY person-which is a big deal) Getting to talk about him, to him, and pretend to be 'Him' is pretty powerful. We talk to and about Parts of us like: perfection, self-critic, Ed, and various others. It's intense classes, but makes recovery worthwhile.

So. Week 7 done. I'm discouraged because of my foot, but encouraged because I am still trekking along despite physical setbacks. I'm elated to go home for my FF fam. Christmas party and get to have a fun night celebrating us.
Bring. On. The. Fun. :)