Lots of thankfulness. Lots of whys. Lots of present and fore-coming newness, while old life fades away.

T-less than 1 week. So many emotions towards all of this. Excitement for a new city. Anxiety for the lack of future planning. Sadness for leaving all the things in Jackson; leaving all the training programs that holds my heart. Fear of how long I'll be in this mental battle. Joy because I'll be with my friends. Anticipation because of all the new places to go, see, and get plugged in at.
READY because-it's time.

Lots of things practically have happened, are happening, and will happen. I have moved most of my stuff to my apt. in Memphis. My dad is coming up this weekend to get my furniture. Friend dates are coming to a close. My training group programs are ending. I went through my stuff last week. I went through my clothes which was a daunting process that ended up being OK with my good 'ole friend Amanda. My heart is thankful to have her there to just hold space and lessen the intensity.

Me: We are taking a selfie.
Amanda: ......
Me: Like how I didn't ask *pulls out phone*
Amanda: makes thrilled face 

The reason I am in Jackson until April 3rd is because of the people below. They inspire me to be the best me possible in this phase of life. Having no idea what's happening in my life, nor me to theirs, we all get to put it all away and bond over the love (or momentary hate) of getting in shape. My heart feels like a proud mom watching them grow to walk, run/walk, or run their 5K goal race this weekend. They have battled all the weather conditions the last 10 weeks (thank you Mississippi). They have dealt with my craziness of forgetting things, being so insecure the first week, forgetting names, and sometimes running a *bit* more than intended. They have battled hills, small setbacks, successes, slips, and all the things we runners know happen-they are learning. They are the people that were/are my constant amidst my inconsistent life phase. They are the pure joy I looked forward to each day amidst my craziness. They are why I am here and though we questioned if I should stay, I know and see it was endlessly worth it to get to know and do life with these people.

Be still my heart; taking their 60 second walk in the
midst of their interval.

As I was thrown into the fact I need to go back to Fairhaven-all the thoughts of 'why' started flooding back. *THIS* was my biggest fear. I even stated that in my last blog. I could never go back to 'old Meg' and needing to back to treatment would mean I went back there; I failed. OF COURSE God has a sense of humor.

The plus side of me going back is that I am not going back for what I was so scared to go back for: my eating disorder. Praise the Lord that though it's not 'gone', it is much more manageable and I am seeking more and more freedom as the days go by. 

Like spontaneously having a milk shake because they are yummy.

So why go back?
Ya see, I had a part of me that denied this whole bipolar diagnosis because I hadn't experienced all that I am 'supposed to'.. *cue me going to Fairhaven and getting quite distant from Ed*. So I come back and rapid cycling like I've never had is thrown at me; life is crumbling before my eyes yet again. I begin to question why and thank the Lord for Fairhaven. They have shown me in a way it's a good thing.
WHAT??
Well, anytime I used to experience a 'feeling' I didn't want to, I would fall back on Ed to help me feel only what I wanted to. So now that I'm learning to feel and cope like a normal person, the things that my brain is working through is coming up more.

I feel much more 'comfortable' going back to FH because of this. To learn how to function in life.

Travel buddy and all the things en route to Memphis!

I didn't go back to old Meg. I won't ever go back to old Meg. She is a mere memory I can feel sad for, be thankful for of what she provided, and when remembering her be reminded of how much silent suffering there was and how much more freedom I have in recovery.

New Meg has life. New Meg knows what she is missing and is being humbled enough to ask for help, desperately cling to Christ, and all the while still have moments of the breath of life when standing in front of 40 people who trust you to help them with their athletic goals.

New Meg still has a lot to learn, and is blindly jumping into this new phase of life. To see all that the world has to offer. All that Christ wants to further teach. All that there is to live for and to find more of it each day. 

901: I'm comin' back for ya!

There's no way to slightly say it so let's just go for it. April 3rd I'll be going/moving (back) to Memphis; Cordova; Fairhaven.

Don't ask life plans because 'Oh Lord God only You know' sure applies right now. I know that I'm leaving my Fleet Feet family. I know I'm moving out of Renee' and I's house *tears*. I know I am going to have to transition my brain from Pinelake to Highpoint. I know that a timeline finally isn't set. I know that is terrifying yet the most freeing thing I'll probably ever do for myself.

Practical plan: I'll go to Memphis. Get back on my feet. For more than a little bit. Transition down in the program up there and get a job. Start to function in real life-see what works.
It's what I got; the end. 

I am essentially removing myself from any and all ties until I'm well enough to not go through this whole 'I'm fine...I'm dying..I'm fine...I'm dying' pattern. It doesn't get easier. I know with everything in me 'last time' was IT for a lot of things but not 'it' for everything; THAT IS OK. This doesn't mean I failed last time, but simply a learning experience.

Some ties will be broken and some won't. Thankful for these people to celebrate my 25th birthday with me and know they will always be on my team-no matter what city/country I live in.

 So here's my funny story about my life being inserted into a snippet that is usually unnoticed in Acts 27. (The harbor Fair Havens...I can't make this stuff up.)

Long story short Paul was trying to get to Rome and kept getting set back. The time comes to set sail; they get rerouted because of storms so they stop in this harbor named Fair Havens (I can't even...). Paul is like we need to stay! Everyone else doesn't trust him, so they are like nope- they figured they had it; they knew best; it couldn't be that bad. So, they keep going; Paul knew storms were going to take them out, but also knew they'd make it out okay.

"The terrible storm raged for many days, blotting out the sun and the stars, until at last all hope was gone." (v. 20)

The people were like OMG WHAT and Paul was like I BELIEVE GOD- we are gonna make it. So, long story short they made it out alive, but not without the shipwreck.

Making it out alive amidst the shipwreck with these beautiful girls.

I read this February 20th- right when these decisions were made.

I literally laughed as I read. 

Storms were raging so I finally sought (or thrown at) safety at Fair Haven in October. Storms were still happening but was sheltered and couldn't see it all, so I left 'confidently'. I didn't ask because I obviously know best. Fair Haven knew I was doing good but felt cautious.

So-I left- just like they did. And yes- the storms came within days; all the fears I had were happening. Anxiety, rapid changes, disassociation, intensified everything, the ability to function; all the things that already happened.

So finally (like them) I AM DONE. So- I take a leap of faith to hope I'll make it; they (FH) know I'm gonna make it- but not without the shipwreck. Sometimes all hope seems lost, but other times I know I'll make it out; it's lasting longer than I intended- like the people felt about theirs. But they survived and all I can do is cling to that my story will end like theirs.

Because the girl on the left thought all hope was gone despite the successes of an Ironman; the girls on the right are seeking true freedom and experiencing the before/during smiles of love in vulnerability found within recovery friendships.

It hasn't hit me yet I won't be here. That blog will happen eventually. ;)
But I'll still be back for some races. I'll just be a few hours north- so if anyone wants to road trip I'll be there for some time and totally accepting!<3 nbsp="" p="">