Able

As you and I both know, I am not the 'secret'/'quiet' type for life changes.  Typically that is ok and I can handle when I decide to do or not do something.  However, this is a time when I want to be secret; I want to just have this subtle change and no one be aware that my life is being stripped down piece-by-piece.  That's not the life I've ever lived, and at almost 24 years old I'm sure not starting.

So.  Starting February 23rd, I will be spending over 1/2 my day at 'Three Oaks Behavioral Health'.  Monday-Friday; 9am-3pm; 4/6 weeks. It's what is called a 'PHP/IOP' (partial-hospitalization/intensive outpatient) program. 

Q&A with me.

Why?  I have an eating disorder that has slowly consumed me, and finally hit my 'point' of white flag this last week.  Three Oaks is mostly 'group therapy' and I'll be with more 'addictions' people, because that's what all of this is.  It's a ruthless disease that I nor anyone has a choice over, and is something I'm working on talking through (so work with me ;)!) I'll go into more 'details' when I deem acceptable, but let's just start here.
What?  An endurance athlete has an ED?  Yep.  This is why I can't fathom another IM.  Over-exercising and ED's actually REALLY go together and is the most vicious cycle I'll ever experience in life.  At Three Oaks I will have: a nutritionist, an individual therapist, a psychiatrist, a doctor/nurse, and of course all the group therapy that will happen (which is 90% of this place.)  With that, they will have a direct opinion on my training life.  So, I will find out this week what I can/can't do physically and I am TERRIFIED as to the outcome, but know they have in mind more than I can fathom right now.
REALLY?!? *read this for your 2 minute overview.* For real.  It's MEGA shallow but gets the point across.
When? This has been a 'thing' for quite some time, but has gotten worse as I've gotten older and a series of situations has 'led' me to this point.
Like what?  I've been going to different doctors/my therapist working with a slew of medications since October, and they all have ended terribly.  I mean like: hallucinations, not sleeping, sleeping through Blues (oh yeah..), happy, sad, love, hate, depression symptoms (which is genuinely NOT me!), and all culminating with it effecting my ability to simply function at work.

Ok there's a few BASIC facts for you. (AKA catch you up to speed for the following weeks).
Why am I sharing? Because I don't want to look back and 'miss' and 'wish' I had remembered more. I'm done wishing and I'm starting DOING.

My heart in the matter? (because we all knew this was coming!)
I am overwhelmed at the support/love/'team' effort that is happening before my eyes.  I 'came out' to a few buddies back in October and they have been nothing but on my team, and my work crew has been nothing but helpful.  They pick up where I have been failing, and love me endlessly.  It's awesome to tell the therapist 'interviewing' me for Three Oaks that my 'main' support system is my work crew.  She thought that was cool, and I couldn't agree more.

 Am I mad/sad/confused/ready/excited?
Eh.  I am OVERWHELMED at the supernatural power of God.  For real y'all.  A dear friend of mine mentioned treatment about 6 weeks ago and I denied it up and down and was slightly mad that I..MEG should go.  I mean I'm not THAT sick. *Olivia-go ahead and chuckle.*
But Jesus and I both knew that I wasn't ready mentally and I needed more time to 'suffer' to understand the validity that treatment will have for me. 
Anyways, a month ago I was all the negative things associated with it.  Like-how could a God like Him, take a precious child like me, and 'give' me THIS to work with?
Now? I am so scared I could jump through a wall, so ready I could sleep-over by the door *pondering* life outside of my 'soon-to-be' OLD BFF: ED, and mostly so in awe over my peace for it all.  The experience to struggle having a normal conversation the last 8 days has been one that I'll never forget, one I wouldn't wish upon anyone, and one I would never give up.  The amount of peace, and wisdom specifically that is going through my body for it all is indescribable.  It all the more affirms this is right, despite my terror for it all, and gets me excited to see the majesty of God work through this.  I am nervous to start and meet my 'group' that is about to become my 'core', but ready to fight for life, fight for freedom, and fight to live vivaciously; exactly how God intended my unique personality to be.

I have been going to PLS (Paul Lacose Sports) for 5/6 weeks now, and these people are pretty legit and I HOPE to keep it!!

Philippians 4:4-7 is mah jam right now, and not because of the 'typical' verse 6, but actually verse 5 and 7. I want you to see my 'reasonableness'; I want to make SO freaking clear that this is the hardest thing I could ever fathom, but it's crazy to see God come in and fight with me; providing His powers JUST when I need.

Philippians 4:4-7 English Standard Version (ESV)
⁴ Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice. ⁵ Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; ⁶ do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. ⁷ And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

If you need a jam; this is a good one.

I'm learning to not be awkward about it, so it's ok to be non-chalant with me about it-it's not weird.  It's like having a broken arm.  You have to go to the doctor to get the diagnosis.  You try the sling maybe but it's not enough.  You go through a period of having a cast.  Then you go to PT to relearn and slowly learn to bend it again, learning to write, learning to lift, and eventually acquire the life that you had/wanted.
Same thing.  I know I have an ED.  I tried the sling via my therapist and a few meds, and I wouldn't be this far without it. But.  Now it's time to cast via PHP/IOP.  I have to go to PT via my individual therapist there.  I have to learn to rewire my brain non-'addict' ways and I don't know how to but I'll learn. 

So that's that.  Expect weekly updates because I want to remember it all.

Thanks for being in my village; my tribe; my team.

Because tribe members watch TV and ride bikes... :p

<3 meg="" s="" span="">

Finding Identity 'Contentment' Instead of 'Crisis'

So contentment is something I am striving towards this year, and that is permeating through every aspect of my life; more than I fathomed ever would. 

Let's take a walk through a snippet of my 'selves', and maybe you can relate with me.

 IDENTITY is one major portion.  Being CONTENT in WHERE my identity is.  Through a series of thought processes I have come to the realization (through the help of a few key buds) that I have some disordered thoughts in where I find identity.

This blog, which led to the creation of my other blog, speaks volumes to that.  As you know, there's the 'running blog', and the blog you have your eyes on; my life blog.

I created two entities for myself without even realizing, which started to change my way of living to resemble that.  I am now finding my self worth and validity as not only an athlete, but person, in something other than Christ; I am finding my 'self' in SPEED and DISTANCE.

What would happen if those two things were taken away from me?  What if I stopped associating within those realms?  Would I still be loved as dearly? Would I still have my friends? Would you still want to read about my life? Would you want to hang? Where would my 'self' be?

I know that right now you are thinking to yourself, OH PLEASE MEG! I am aware of this; this is disordered thinking, and that is the problem.  I am loved by my friends for my fun spirit, for my love that is not of myself, for being HERE.  I am not loved by my village for my 22 minute 5k, nor will I be anymore cherished for subbing 20.

However we can't stop there.  THAT would be a FALSE realization; realizing that my personality alone is why I am here; not my 'running'.  It needs one more crucial step.  'Meg' is ultimately not assured by your love; nor by my dad; or of any thing I can accomplish.  I am assured in Him. Or.  So I am supposed to believe.  Somewhere along the way I lost sight of that, which is why I am here.  Because of my outgoing, confident, love-based personality I never pondered there being a miscommunication within my self over where I am found.  That my self worth is stationed elsewhere than in the cross of Christ.  I have convinced myself that because I listen to Passion on my way to work, pray for my co-workers/buds, and even can hold my own in a 'religious' conversation that surely the core of my being is in Him..right?

 False.

 At the end of the day, I seek Meg in frivolous things that ultimately fade.  I find 'pure' joy in seeing myself get faster more than the joy of going to church. I need to start loving myself like I love my best buddies.  I could care LESS about their speed, and will be their cheerleaders at an 8 minute mile, or a 12 minute mile; a 5K or an Ironman.  Sometimes the best things we can do is listen to ourselves, and I for one am going to start working on that.  Love comes from Him.  I love hard because He first loved me HARD.  When I was running avidly away from Him, He still ran towards me.  So, the only thing left to do is to USE running to RUN towards Him until the 'race' is finished.

Idolatry leads to identity misplacement because putting any thing above Christ puts yourself first instantaneously, and that is the false gospel; doing the right things, with the right motives, with a dark heart.  I desire for my heart and livelihood to be continuously shaped to live each day CONTENT in HIM; not in my mileage for the day.

So.  Who are you really? There's a line somewhere; let's go find it.