Learning my volume level is louder and learning to hear it.

Right now I feel like I am living in a mix of extreme flexibility and yet going 90 to nothing.  It's an awkward feeling. I also am blogging this as I am still living in another spaced out dimension, so take this one as you will.. ;)

SO.  What's been up? We knew when I left 3 Oaks that we would have to...'tweak' my meds eventually.  I didn't quite understand, but I trusted every part of 3 Oaks so I went with it. Well, insert a bit of a more drastic turn that we fathomed happening. It's been a rough 2 weeks; each day approached and I was scared for 1-5pm.  That is the time where I guess things overlap or lack there-of; I don't know.  All I know is what was and is externally happening because of internal chemical stuff.  Anyways, so went to my Dr. and we changed some stuff and are seeing if what was instructed is going to be better.  It's initiates fear for me to be back in the 'trying' phase, but I got to keep what I wanted so that's nice.  Now I am simply in the adjusting phase to see if I 'accept' it, so fingers crossed!!

I also am styling in this awesome thing thanks to Keating!!

It's a unique place to be; to know that what is happening is a life thing.  It can be overwhelming, and I was having an overwhelming day and texted my key work people that have been here since day one, and Karen (of-course..she's *always* right) texted me the perfect word for now; Selah. What does it mean? Well, after researching it sufficiently, I decided on 'to pause and praise'.  Oh how that resonates with me.  See-it was used in the OT, between psalms.  And it basically was like 'Ok think about what was just said/sung'.  It was a moment for the singers to pause and breathe; a moment for the people to be able to ponder; maybe lift their hands in praise or bow their head and think.  It was to pause from whatever you were formerly doing to think of such things. 

Right now the thoughts and dwellings of it all can be taxing if I'm being honest with you.  Internalizing new truths to live by and new methods to do life.  I am not one to post articles I read, but this excerpt is pretty empowering.  The end of number 8 and number 9.  That my brain is louder, and that I did nothing to get here.  That is pretty stellar.  So-I take encouragement from it and had to share where I am finding encouragement.  That my volume in my head is louder than yours, and that is ok.  Learning to finagle what is normal; what is extreme.

So, I am in the midst of a life Selah.  I am *forced* to pause; to think about what running does for me, what swimming provides, what training does for my identity.  And can I just say that is some hard core stuff! I am getting to pause on my 'former' things, and think of them.  I am getting to cheer, coach, watch, hang-out, spontaneously do more than I ever thought I would.  I got to help coach Tri 101, am still coaching a Wednesday swim group, and now help coach Ryanman.  Pretty stellar, and it is what keeps me alive; seeing people reach new goals, forms, speeds, and ultimately confidence levels for their endeavors.  It's the best part of my week every time I get on the pool deck (man I never thought I would say those words!!)

Some of my Clinton girls I have the honor to coach. Love them!

So, how is life? It's going.  It's not stopping.  It depends on the moment you ask me.  It's not *just* an 'afternoon slump', it's not me *choosing* to not listen to my doctors of why I am still in the boot, but it's the cards I am dealt at this time of life.  I don't want to look back and not of gained anything; God sure has a plan, and though I have NOOOOOOOOO idea what the heck is up His sleeve; I trust His way has got to be better than mine!

 

*Funny story?* War has officially started at work.  I put a root beer Gu in Madison's water bottle and it was EPIC! HEARTS MADS <3 crying="" emoji="" laughing="" p="">

Be the are.

I have had so many thoughts towards life the last 6 weeks.  I read a blog and this is a small snippet from it that I loved.

"I was so scared.  I could feel it draining the life out of me, only to drown me.  But now I am no longer afraid; I will not let myself be dragged by the tide to drown, I will fight against it and swim.  I will swim to the life I've always wanted to live.  I will swim, and I will live."

 

As you know, life has been hitting me pretty hard.  I am not quite sure what to do with all of it if we are being honest here.  I have gone from the extreme of pondering quitting; if 'this' is worth it, to praising the Lord for recovery and how it's the best thing ever.  And, somewhere in there lies this beautiful medium that I will find and master for more than I am succeeding at for now.  But this is all about progress and I have made it farther than I dreamed possible.  I wish I could express how much of my brain power recovery takes; it truly is Ironman 2.0.  So that's where more of my thoughts are being given to; more than I'll ever give off; fighting against the tide to live.  Post 3O you would assume the fight looks different, but I am learning everyday that the method to swim against the tide looks vastly different, and I have to appreciate the flotation devices being thrown at me in various forms.

The extreme that has no 'negative' extreme to counteract is my appreciation for my tribe.  Work has quite a few new people who were not with me back in October when this whole process started; who were not here in December and January when I kept leaving work because of mishaps.  But nonetheless my work family, of course, is just as strong no matter the group of people.  However, the people who have been here for all of it simply astound me for never changing towards me.  I could sing and proclaim how thankful I am for that stability amidst the craziness of my life. 

 

Having this boot, the car stuff, and getting walking pneumonia TWICE now could cause a 'normal' person to be a bit...sporadic.  Throw it on a girl with some unbalanced brain powers that rely on modern medicine to keep stable; now that could be a good story!  But praise for all of those things because I am still here.  I hate having to miss work because of being sick because work is where happiness is found for me.  It's where no matter what is going on, I will always have a blast with my co-workers, and the variety of customers.  The place I get to be Meg and help people in process.  The post-work beer on occasion with co-workers is always nice too ;)

 

 

So.  For now my word is 'be'.  Susan and I have been talking a lot about 'being'; not acting on our extreme emotions.  That is what got me here in the first place, and it's what will get me out.  Also, knowing that feelings are.  Feelings are..period; that's all. So I came up with 'be the are'. 

Simply exist and not act 'be'; with the present feelings 'are'.

Be the are.

*As far as practically speaking--I go to the doctor later this week to see what the heck is going on with my foot.  Stay tuned to see what is coming my way!*
*My bouts with walking pneumonia have taken me out hard, so after the second time I am seeing I have to come back slower than I fathomed*
*My car is wonderful and I am still in process of getting everything squared away from June, but I am endlessly thankful for Summer!!!*

Til next time.