Learning my volume level is louder and learning to hear it.

Right now I feel like I am living in a mix of extreme flexibility and yet going 90 to nothing.  It's an awkward feeling. I also am blogging this as I am still living in another spaced out dimension, so take this one as you will.. ;)

SO.  What's been up? We knew when I left 3 Oaks that we would have to...'tweak' my meds eventually.  I didn't quite understand, but I trusted every part of 3 Oaks so I went with it. Well, insert a bit of a more drastic turn that we fathomed happening. It's been a rough 2 weeks; each day approached and I was scared for 1-5pm.  That is the time where I guess things overlap or lack there-of; I don't know.  All I know is what was and is externally happening because of internal chemical stuff.  Anyways, so went to my Dr. and we changed some stuff and are seeing if what was instructed is going to be better.  It's initiates fear for me to be back in the 'trying' phase, but I got to keep what I wanted so that's nice.  Now I am simply in the adjusting phase to see if I 'accept' it, so fingers crossed!!

I also am styling in this awesome thing thanks to Keating!!

It's a unique place to be; to know that what is happening is a life thing.  It can be overwhelming, and I was having an overwhelming day and texted my key work people that have been here since day one, and Karen (of-course..she's *always* right) texted me the perfect word for now; Selah. What does it mean? Well, after researching it sufficiently, I decided on 'to pause and praise'.  Oh how that resonates with me.  See-it was used in the OT, between psalms.  And it basically was like 'Ok think about what was just said/sung'.  It was a moment for the singers to pause and breathe; a moment for the people to be able to ponder; maybe lift their hands in praise or bow their head and think.  It was to pause from whatever you were formerly doing to think of such things. 

Right now the thoughts and dwellings of it all can be taxing if I'm being honest with you.  Internalizing new truths to live by and new methods to do life.  I am not one to post articles I read, but this excerpt is pretty empowering.  The end of number 8 and number 9.  That my brain is louder, and that I did nothing to get here.  That is pretty stellar.  So-I take encouragement from it and had to share where I am finding encouragement.  That my volume in my head is louder than yours, and that is ok.  Learning to finagle what is normal; what is extreme.

So, I am in the midst of a life Selah.  I am *forced* to pause; to think about what running does for me, what swimming provides, what training does for my identity.  And can I just say that is some hard core stuff! I am getting to pause on my 'former' things, and think of them.  I am getting to cheer, coach, watch, hang-out, spontaneously do more than I ever thought I would.  I got to help coach Tri 101, am still coaching a Wednesday swim group, and now help coach Ryanman.  Pretty stellar, and it is what keeps me alive; seeing people reach new goals, forms, speeds, and ultimately confidence levels for their endeavors.  It's the best part of my week every time I get on the pool deck (man I never thought I would say those words!!)

Some of my Clinton girls I have the honor to coach. Love them!

So, how is life? It's going.  It's not stopping.  It depends on the moment you ask me.  It's not *just* an 'afternoon slump', it's not me *choosing* to not listen to my doctors of why I am still in the boot, but it's the cards I am dealt at this time of life.  I don't want to look back and not of gained anything; God sure has a plan, and though I have NOOOOOOOOO idea what the heck is up His sleeve; I trust His way has got to be better than mine!

 

*Funny story?* War has officially started at work.  I put a root beer Gu in Madison's water bottle and it was EPIC! HEARTS MADS <3 crying="" emoji="" laughing="" p="">