This blog is one that I never thought I would write. I officially discharged from 3O; signed off my name and that place/experience is merely a memory. Geez. This journey has been longer than I'll ever be able to communicate. One that has gone on for far too long and I am more than thrilled to say that I have 'started' the race, and life is at my fingertips-cautiously. HELLLLLLLO RECOVERYYY! I will live the next 6 months or so on such a guard. Satan knows that I have been beating him to the ground daily, and he HATES that. He wants to drag me down to the depths of secret self-pity, fears, shame, doubt, and ultimately death. My 'self' still/will always feel the depth of sinful nature, but PRAISE for practical, useful things that God uses to help us heal; to seek recovery daily like all the skills I have learned at Three Oaks.
I could write for eternity for my thankfulness for 3O. They have saved my life as I know it, and I am loving getting to experience life moment-by-moment. This last week has been all about 'checking off' everything I have been anticipating. I wanted to leave 3O 100% confident; knowing I accomplished every last item on my plan, and I have. I know God lets me struggle along with this daily/will always to bring me to a place of brokenness. I now have to task myself with applying what I learned DAILY. It reminds me of how in Matthew it says to deny yourself, take up your cross, and follow Him. It's the SAME principal. I have to remind myself DAILY that I can't do this whole 'thing' myself. No matter how much I want to run my own life, I have proven time and time again I simply can't, and gosh I just hope and pray fearlessly to stay there. 3O has helped me see another side of life that I knew existed but didn't comprehend. I am going to miss that place more than ever. That place/that group is where life was found for myself, and my group members. I never thought a group of 6 or so guys would be the people I sought recovery with, but hey...I wouldn't change a thing! Those guys know more of me than I dreamed would happen, and I am so thankful for this. I know them just as much and have loved getting to see inside other peoples' depths of brains.
I am back full-time, and I think everyone at work is just as thrilled as I am. I genuinely care about each person that walks in the door of FF. Not that I didn't before, but I have such a different approach, and I know it's because of all the ways I have grown up. I think that is what truly happened there for me. I never expected 3O to impact my experience at FF, and I didn't think I could love/enjoy work anymore, but geez here we are. Our staff (as I have stated MAYBE once before ;)) is my family through and through and they sure proved that endlessly through this. Every single person-not a dang one excluded- NEVER made me feel awkward/less loved for going there everyday and having to cut back major hours; this is something that is madly respected for FF as a whole. I was never looked down upon for all the times I had to spontaneously leave because certain days just didn't work like I thought they would go. So. Again. Here we are. My FF fam is here; never leaving; always changing, yet consistently the same ending and that is beautiful.
There are many people that have started to mosey on out of my life, yet a plethora of people that made themselves known during all of this and jumped in. That in and of itself has meant more to me than I'll ever communicate. Going through treatment, I was told, was going to show me who my real friends are/support is, and 'they' were right. If you made it this far with me; thank you. A simple 'thank's' will never communicate my love and admiration I have for everyone who has thought of me/texted/called/prayed/loved me through this. JUST like IM training, it sure takes a village, and I truly have the best one a girl could have. Though I wouldn't of sought this on my own without 3O, I surely wouldn't of ever made it through all the rough times involved within it without my support system; my tribe. I held that group of people close to me, and thrived off of their care for me. It feels so nice to be 'here' everyday and able to start investing fearlessly in things other than all the books I am assigned for homework, and more in FF, and Pinelake (WHICH I JOINED LAST SUNDAY WHOOP!!!!).
So. Here we are. Hello start line. You were crossed and it's off to the races we go! I never want to go back to life before now, and am elated at what lies ahead.
Saturday, April 30, 2016
Sunday, April 24, 2016
Making my way to the start line!
Weeks 8/9 have passed by in 'blog world' because honestly there has been so much depth that has happened I can't possibly explain it all. As I said before, I felt like the first 1/2 was about ED, but the 2nd 1/2 is about life itself. So. Know that I am progressing and have been entering back slowly into more hours at work and will be back FULL TIME May 2nd. That's right.
DISCHARGE DATE IS APRIL 29th-THIS FRIDAY!!
Countless sessions, almost 3 months of this group therapy stuff, and I finally 'get' enough to stand on my own two feet; Three Oaks approved. I am stable enough to see 'both' sides sitting in group; getting to encourage the newcomers that Three Oaks is the best decision they will make and how it will literally save their life. It's incredible to get to experience and then begin to provide hope. I pondered writing more about discharge, but I want to live each moment to the fullest and so-I will get there next blog. After it happens.
SO.
Now?
The last two weeks have been pretty fabulous with only one 'hiccup' that lasted 3 days. I keep being reminded the gravity of neurotransmitters and levels in the brain and all that science-y stuff that I don't comprehend but trust my doctors to figure out for me. Not that I ever questioned it, but I sure get it now. I mean. Dang. I always thought and STILL think that people who don't 500% agree with modern medicine via 'pulling the Jesus card' are pretty ridiculous, but my thinking towards it has only increased. I could rant about this endlessly because of various reactions from people, but-thankfully I don't find my identity in what you think, but only in what He thinks. ;)
I have worked on a project in art therapy that I am 'presenting' Thursday that is a 'timeline' we are all working on about our lives. Well. Mine is via a 'board game' type look and I must say I am pretty proud of it. The timeline has to be all symbols and you can fathom how colorful and 'artsy' my board game is. It's based off of 'Life' because cars and people keep getting added through the game and that is my life story. Also some kind of 'Chutes and Ladders' and 'Sorry' collided with it to create 'The Journey of Meg'.
I have gotten to hang out with SO many people in #mytribe (I set my schedule up this way specifically) and that has been wonderful getting to tell stories of 'success'. Of getting to summarize all that I have deeply learned and putting it into a picture of beauty. I started out in complete disarray and had no amount of words to describe the abandonment I felt upon myself, and getting to experience both sides makes these moments all the better. The level of 'normalcy' is just awesome within conversation. I am thankful for my friends shifting their 'level' of comfort of conversation to where I am in life. It's shown me who to talk this realm with in-depth, and who to share bits and pieces with.
It's just like training for my Ironman (I think people who 'graduate' from Three Oaks need a finish line as exciting as the IM!) I have done the training, I am in the last week of taper, and my race begins Friday afternoon; THAT is the reward for all the work. I have put in so much since October that the journey is only starting. There will be moments of total wonder and elation, and moments of utter misery and questioning everything. But, I know that is life and getting to even experience that makes it beautiful. It's funny how the IM led me here, and same experience is applying upon leaving.
So. Here we are.
Taking it one day at a time. I plan to be 'here' for a while, and I wouldn't want it any other way.
DISCHARGE DATE IS APRIL 29th-THIS FRIDAY!!
Countless sessions, almost 3 months of this group therapy stuff, and I finally 'get' enough to stand on my own two feet; Three Oaks approved. I am stable enough to see 'both' sides sitting in group; getting to encourage the newcomers that Three Oaks is the best decision they will make and how it will literally save their life. It's incredible to get to experience and then begin to provide hope. I pondered writing more about discharge, but I want to live each moment to the fullest and so-I will get there next blog. After it happens.
SO.
Now?
The last two weeks have been pretty fabulous with only one 'hiccup' that lasted 3 days. I keep being reminded the gravity of neurotransmitters and levels in the brain and all that science-y stuff that I don't comprehend but trust my doctors to figure out for me. Not that I ever questioned it, but I sure get it now. I mean. Dang. I always thought and STILL think that people who don't 500% agree with modern medicine via 'pulling the Jesus card' are pretty ridiculous, but my thinking towards it has only increased. I could rant about this endlessly because of various reactions from people, but-thankfully I don't find my identity in what you think, but only in what He thinks. ;)
I have worked on a project in art therapy that I am 'presenting' Thursday that is a 'timeline' we are all working on about our lives. Well. Mine is via a 'board game' type look and I must say I am pretty proud of it. The timeline has to be all symbols and you can fathom how colorful and 'artsy' my board game is. It's based off of 'Life' because cars and people keep getting added through the game and that is my life story. Also some kind of 'Chutes and Ladders' and 'Sorry' collided with it to create 'The Journey of Meg'.
I have gotten to hang out with SO many people in #mytribe (I set my schedule up this way specifically) and that has been wonderful getting to tell stories of 'success'. Of getting to summarize all that I have deeply learned and putting it into a picture of beauty. I started out in complete disarray and had no amount of words to describe the abandonment I felt upon myself, and getting to experience both sides makes these moments all the better. The level of 'normalcy' is just awesome within conversation. I am thankful for my friends shifting their 'level' of comfort of conversation to where I am in life. It's shown me who to talk this realm with in-depth, and who to share bits and pieces with.
It's just like training for my Ironman (I think people who 'graduate' from Three Oaks need a finish line as exciting as the IM!) I have done the training, I am in the last week of taper, and my race begins Friday afternoon; THAT is the reward for all the work. I have put in so much since October that the journey is only starting. There will be moments of total wonder and elation, and moments of utter misery and questioning everything. But, I know that is life and getting to even experience that makes it beautiful. It's funny how the IM led me here, and same experience is applying upon leaving.
So. Here we are.
Taking it one day at a time. I plan to be 'here' for a while, and I wouldn't want it any other way.
Tuesday, April 12, 2016
Find Safety in Transcendence
Well-I feel like I am getting the hang of this stuff.
So here's the thought process of the last almost 8 weeks:
'Good morning self' 'Go run (on allowed days)!' 'Do homework and read and preface the emotional standing of the day.' 'Go to group and be elated to be amongst the people who are saving their lives alongside you.' 'Talk about all the things and feel all the feels you didn't know were there.' 'Go eat lunch and shallowly socialize and be thrilled to do so.' 'Repeat with the next therapist and don't forget helping other's process their lives!' 'Transfer the mindset to go to work and help people.' 'Pack for the next day, revise homework.' 'Sleep.'
I love it; it's how my life is being saved one day at a time. Whatever it takes to continue recovery I am first in line. Doing all the things; lacking all the miles; journaling 328749437 moments; confronting all life has to offer.
I am still being blown away by ever-changing definition of community. I went to see Peter ROCK his music in church and the sermon was 'assaulting afflictions with anchored friendships'. It was truly amazing to listen and be in the mindset of thankfulness for the afflictions I am facing because of being surrounded with anchored people who chose and are choosing to stay. Why? Because I love every single day, despite the emotional hardships we as a group encounter. Because in the end our lives are being saved day by day; by ourselves, each other, and our systems outside of the walls of Three Oaks.
There are so many words, feelings, thoughts, expressions I have for the word 'recovery', but for now I am being blown away by, ' Find safety in transcendence when there's nowhere else to hide'. I saw it in a Dallas Clayton creation and haven't stopped thinking about it. Transcendence is defined as: 'existence or experience beyond the normal or physical level.' I started researching various ways to look at transcendence and came across this blog and liked it. So, in laymen's terms, it's a spiritual awakening; 'find safety in spiritual awakening'. This is pretty stellar timing for what we are learning; God is actually a big part of all of it, and for me personally, Christ. I can find my safety in Him because HE is safe. There's no hiding with Him because He already knows it all so take heart dear friends; He is Constant and He is Safety when all else seems chaotic. Thanks Dallas Clayton!
Right now I am knee deep in a 'sugar detox'. I successfully went to a fabulous wedding (CONGRATS COREY AND STACEY!) and avoided the delicious looking cakes. WIN. I can't say I desire it any less, but I will say that fruit is slowly tasting sweeter so that's cool I guess. I think I'm gonna do it for 6 weeks- maybe 8- verses the usual month because when I go back to 'processed sugar' I want to 'need' less of it.
Almost 1 month in; almost half way.
So. Here we are. My self created and Three Oaks created 'to-do' list is being checked off slowly but surely, and the light at the beginning (not the end) of the tunnel for life outside of Three Oaks is coming closer and closer week-by-week.
Still there. Still learning. Still loving. Still seeking.
So here's the thought process of the last almost 8 weeks:
'Good morning self' 'Go run (on allowed days)!' 'Do homework and read and preface the emotional standing of the day.' 'Go to group and be elated to be amongst the people who are saving their lives alongside you.' 'Talk about all the things and feel all the feels you didn't know were there.' 'Go eat lunch and shallowly socialize and be thrilled to do so.' 'Repeat with the next therapist and don't forget helping other's process their lives!' 'Transfer the mindset to go to work and help people.' 'Pack for the next day, revise homework.' 'Sleep.'
I love it; it's how my life is being saved one day at a time. Whatever it takes to continue recovery I am first in line. Doing all the things; lacking all the miles; journaling 328749437 moments; confronting all life has to offer.
I am still being blown away by ever-changing definition of community. I went to see Peter ROCK his music in church and the sermon was 'assaulting afflictions with anchored friendships'. It was truly amazing to listen and be in the mindset of thankfulness for the afflictions I am facing because of being surrounded with anchored people who chose and are choosing to stay. Why? Because I love every single day, despite the emotional hardships we as a group encounter. Because in the end our lives are being saved day by day; by ourselves, each other, and our systems outside of the walls of Three Oaks.
 |
| I really hope to craft this in the next month. ILOVEIT! |
Right now I am knee deep in a 'sugar detox'. I successfully went to a fabulous wedding (CONGRATS COREY AND STACEY!) and avoided the delicious looking cakes. WIN. I can't say I desire it any less, but I will say that fruit is slowly tasting sweeter so that's cool I guess. I think I'm gonna do it for 6 weeks- maybe 8- verses the usual month because when I go back to 'processed sugar' I want to 'need' less of it.
Almost 1 month in; almost half way.
So. Here we are. My self created and Three Oaks created 'to-do' list is being checked off slowly but surely, and the light at the beginning (not the end) of the tunnel for life outside of Three Oaks is coming closer and closer week-by-week.
Still there. Still learning. Still loving. Still seeking.
Sunday, April 3, 2016
The lack of in's and outs, but all the thankfulness for week 7 coming up.
6 weeks of #3oaksmeetsmeg is finished and there's so much I've learned I don't know where to begin! I wish I could tell y'all the in's and out's of what group is like because it's one of those experiences that is impossible to replay, is desired to be relived once finished (I hear), yet never wished upon anyone.
I am going down to 3 days a week for the next little while because life is getting unmanageable without any time to function as a person outside of those 4 walls, and everyone at Three Oaks believes I can handle it which is encouraging. I am not finished at treatment, but I am certainly making strides to learn as much as I can while seeking recovery. We learn about mindfulness; how to practice 'radical acceptance'. We process the shallow parts of the day, and relate them to the inmost parts of our being which is only able to happen in a group setting. We learn the details of each others families, and help each other connect dots we couldn't do on our own. The people in my group are one in a million; I love those people more than I've ever loved a group of people because the closeness that is felt is pretty indescribable. There are so many times I 'go therapy' on myself and my friends and I wouldn't want to be any other way. I do so much 'homework' it's crazy, but I decided on day one that I will only get as much out of this as I put in, and I sure plan to hit this point of life once! Getting to actively seek recovery with my group members is pretty cool. I must say: my view on drugs and alcohol have been so radically altered it's pretty cool. There is so much more that goes into it than I ever thought fathomable and I am honestly finally thankful I get to be here.
But. Lately I am overwhelmed with the providence of God. He knew at this time I would crash and need to be at a place to be able to spontaneously leave my job, my life, my everything, and yet still be able to rely on all those things somehow. God, of-course, in His power gave me Fleet Feet; Renee'; no commitments to any race, and lets me leave them and still participate in them.
God knew I didn't need to go to Peru; be an RD; go grad school. All those things were simply myself running from myself. I simply followed what I 'felt' was right, and praise the Lord for that one!!! I can't fathom being in Peru having to hit this moment. I can't fathom having to leave the country right now--I couldn't.
So, it's simply awe-striking to know 2 years ago when I applied for Fleet Feet, simply because I love running, that God had bigger plans than I ever dreamed of. It's the best feeling talking about my staff in group; how supportive they are of me; letting me pace myself when I do go to work and including me like I am still there all the time. Getting to talk about my boss, Lesley, being my friend too, and an incredibly patient woman; still keeping me, and encouraging me all the way through. And even getting to run with her on Wednesday's! I can't fathom losing my job to go to treatment, and am endlessly thankful I have Fleet Feet to not only walk with me through it, but anxiously awaiting when I get to go back full time. Group knows my love for my job, for my sport, and for my Lord. If that is my identity for the moment; I am content with that.
The last few weeks I was struggling with the concept of my lack of hanging out with my friends because I my availability is very limited, but I realized that I am getting to see my real friends through all this; see those who are curious into my life, and wanting me in theirs. Some of it is good; some hard; all of it is an experience that was needed. My tribe ended up being some people I didn't expect to enter, but I know that I can't make it without them. So many words and 'feels' are experienced everyday when I share random snippets during breaks and continuously get encouragement.
So. For now. I am thankful. Thankful that God is powerful and managing of my unmanageable life. Thankful that He provided the perfect place for this experience. I shouldn't be surprised because..He is God.
I am going down to 3 days a week for the next little while because life is getting unmanageable without any time to function as a person outside of those 4 walls, and everyone at Three Oaks believes I can handle it which is encouraging. I am not finished at treatment, but I am certainly making strides to learn as much as I can while seeking recovery. We learn about mindfulness; how to practice 'radical acceptance'. We process the shallow parts of the day, and relate them to the inmost parts of our being which is only able to happen in a group setting. We learn the details of each others families, and help each other connect dots we couldn't do on our own. The people in my group are one in a million; I love those people more than I've ever loved a group of people because the closeness that is felt is pretty indescribable. There are so many times I 'go therapy' on myself and my friends and I wouldn't want to be any other way. I do so much 'homework' it's crazy, but I decided on day one that I will only get as much out of this as I put in, and I sure plan to hit this point of life once! Getting to actively seek recovery with my group members is pretty cool. I must say: my view on drugs and alcohol have been so radically altered it's pretty cool. There is so much more that goes into it than I ever thought fathomable and I am honestly finally thankful I get to be here.
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| How can you not find this wonderful; art therapy is on Thursday's! |
God knew I didn't need to go to Peru; be an RD; go grad school. All those things were simply myself running from myself. I simply followed what I 'felt' was right, and praise the Lord for that one!!! I can't fathom being in Peru having to hit this moment. I can't fathom having to leave the country right now--I couldn't.
So, it's simply awe-striking to know 2 years ago when I applied for Fleet Feet, simply because I love running, that God had bigger plans than I ever dreamed of. It's the best feeling talking about my staff in group; how supportive they are of me; letting me pace myself when I do go to work and including me like I am still there all the time. Getting to talk about my boss, Lesley, being my friend too, and an incredibly patient woman; still keeping me, and encouraging me all the way through. And even getting to run with her on Wednesday's! I can't fathom losing my job to go to treatment, and am endlessly thankful I have Fleet Feet to not only walk with me through it, but anxiously awaiting when I get to go back full time. Group knows my love for my job, for my sport, and for my Lord. If that is my identity for the moment; I am content with that.
 |
| #mytribe #lovemyvillage |
So. For now. I am thankful. Thankful that God is powerful and managing of my unmanageable life. Thankful that He provided the perfect place for this experience. I shouldn't be surprised because..He is God.
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