Learnings of the week

Well this week was a pretty significant one. I have the privilege of coaching 2 groups at Fleet Feet! I am coaching Walkfit and No Boundaries. NOBO has 2 programs though; a run/walk plan and a run plan. Walkfit has about 20 people and NOBO has almost 50! I can hardly believe Lesley and the team entrusted me with this endeavor. When she asked when I was coming home I told her I was unsure and she told me the pondering of me doing it and I was simply elated and decided that I'd be stable enough to do it. Honestly it's the best decision because that means I get to be on the floor less and coaching more-which is my passion.

Though I do love me some pool deck coaching too!

One thing I have been learning and trying to embody is where my identity lies. I so desperately kept wanting it to be in the things I succeed at: 'the girl who works at Fleet Feet', 'the girl who coaches people', 'the girl who did an IronMan', 'the girl who ran a *insert time here* marathon/ran x amount of miles'. But at Fairhaven I was none of those things. They knew I did those things, but I was simply Meg and it was the most refreshing thing I could've ever been known for. The girl that was here to strive to live in Self; being a passionate bubbly human being.

I know that is impossible to have 100% down here, but in my own mind I want to be able to see myself as simply Meg; nothing else. Some days are better than others', but starting every morning off with Jesus, with my passion of training, and simply sitting in silence starts the day in the right direction!

Studying for this stuff was fun for all records :)

I continue to be in awe over all the things I'm getting to enjoy. Example: Monday at work is sometimes 'coffee Monday'. There is this seasonal King Cake Latte. Everyone was getting it and joking about it; it came to me and I pondered. There was a King Cake brew that I could get, but let's be honest-the Latte sounds AWESOME! So, I took the plunge and went for the Latte. No idea how many calories is in it; what flavors it is; just the knowledge of that it'll be King Cake flavored. (ILOVEMARDIGRAS) So it arrived and I enjoyed every sip-I didn't gulp it down like brew coffee, I savored the taste and wasn't judging myself with it, but simply living with the moment of it.

That is a recovery win, and a turning point to see the life change that FH truly provided for me.

Yummines in a cup

So there's last week. Jumping back into life head first, but with the support of my roomie, work staff, church family, and friends being patient with the new schedule I am adapting to. 

Being the new person Fairhaven taught me to embody, and is continuing teaching me to be. Learning to handle life and all it brings without my primary coping skill (thank you Ed), but learning to take on life with healthy coping skills like journaling, art, piano playing, blogging, and all the things my heart enjoys.

My over the top ramblings of thankfulness for Fairhaven has not dissipated every time someone asks me how I am doing, and that in of itself attributes to how life changing the experience was, and is.

So- know I am doing pretty dang grand. Know I miss Fairhaven with everything in me. Know my heart lies in Jackson and simultaneously in Cordova. Know I am thankful for Fairhaven while being equally thankful for #mytribe of people who supported me the last year and a half of this storm. 

Know it's not quite over but the sun is equally as present as the clouds. The sun is new life, and the sun is hitting my life in all the ways possible. And that is something to be endlessly grateful for.

Old life; new person. What an experience to never forget.

Here we are; back in Jackson; what a transition it has been.

Bless Renee' for having to listen to it all as she is embarking on whole 30.

I am endlessly thankful to have a roomie to check on me; make sure I'm on my meal plan; encourage me; ask me how I'm feeling; being there for me. 

Roomie pass-off.
Memphis roomie to Jackson roomie.

It was a beautiful good-bye ceremony at group. Notes, books, journals, a bracelet; all the things to keep to remind me of the work and time I spent at FH. I also got this yoga mat that...Natalie, (my fav. therapist besides Kelley) the mind/body (yoga) therapist was slightly OCD about because it didn't match the rest of the mats, but kept it for me. Wanting to get rid of it we decided for everyone to sign it for me to keep. It's on my floor leading to my room to remind me of the love that is there.

So, the following day, Renee' and my BRF (best running friend) came up to help take me back to Jackson. From the 901 to the 601; til the following Friday! YAY!

We (Fairhaven fam.) are so thankful for the decision for me to go back Friday's for a little while. It's nice to check-in, see the fam., see Kelley, Leslie, and Dr. Saini. Honestly I am terrified to get a new psych so I'm glad to have him to continue to work with me. Fairhaven is such a safe place so it's nice to get to spend a whole day being in Self to remind me what it feels like, and to get to start to bring it back to my life at home.

Speaking of being in Self, I am continuing to learn what Fairhaven provided for me. Helping me learn so many parts/emotions that ambushed me. Psalm 13 speaks so perfectly.

"How long must I struggle with anguish in my soul, with sorrow in my heart every day?...Restore the sparkle in my eyes, or I will die...But I will trust in your unfailing love, I will rejoice because you have rescued me."

In the Psalm there is the progression of WHY, to HELP, to PRAISE which seems to echo the trend of my thoughts for the month specifically leading to FH. I keep going back to it because it was such a blur; I was determined if you could die from anguish I was going to be there. I was determined that God WILL rescue me but was so upset it wasn't coming. It came, and I was in awe of the timing of it all. Thank you Psalm 13 for reminding me of His faithfulness even in the midst of terror; fear; overwhelming thoughts; craziness. 

What a blessing to have friends to journey the finding of Self,
and encourage me all along the way!

I started back work, starting coaching, started back at life. Jumping in head first is a bit of a shock but I have a staff to joke with me, but the second I tell them I'm struggling they have all the support for me. I am rockin' at having all the things that I deemed 'bad', but don't think twice about now. Mexican; grilled cheese; corn dogs; ice cream. I feel like a kid trying new foods and showing the parents how proud I am. 

the yogurt with more calories, grilled cheese, ranch;
all the things that are 'I love myself foods'. 

So. It's surreal; scary, overwhelming, refreshing, thankfulness filled, and so many other things being back. I am elated to be back coaching, to get to transition back to work, and reacquaint myself with my old life, but as a new person. 

601: I'm comin' for ya Saturday: DISCHARGE IS HERE.

I discharge today; FRIDAY and will be back living in the 601 Saturday. I start back work/coaching Monday. WHAT? (I know it's coming as a shock; I've been avoiding it as long as possible HAH.)
Thankfully I'll be back at Fairhaven on Friday's for a bit because I can't fathom going from 5 days a week to 'thanks for everything BYE'; it's making the transition more acceptable.
I can only imagine what I'll be rambling about after getting home-so here's my right before I leave Fairhaven ramblings.

Shameless plug that THIS was my run that morning!

I hope my appreciation for Fairhaven doesn't dissipate. I know soon it will become a mere memory; the thoughts will fade. I don't want my feelings towards this time of life to lessen. I want to remember the hopelessness I faced coming here; the darkness that plagued everyday. However, the now finding what recovery looks like. Being challenged to the core; breaking every thought I had conceived in my mind and rewiring what 'normalcy' looks like; putting back together the pieces that life has thrown at me.
Trusting my psych- Dr Saini, dieticians- Jenni then Leslie, and individual- Kelley to be apart of this whole being told no; being told to challenge and change my ways was a hard thing to give up, but one I was willing to try -because my ways obviously weren't working. This is something I am and will always be endlessly grateful.

One thing I've been thinking about and standing in awe over is how in the past 3 1/2 months my opinion of recovery has changed; for the better.

I kept hearing full recovery is possible and honestly I used to believe I don't apply to that rule. Though I'm not there, I am getting there day-by-day and believe so.
The thought process where I believe genuine freedom from 'safe foods', 'bad foods', counting calorie concerns weakening is actually happening; loving running EVERY time because I want to better my athletic ability, ALWAYS enjoying each moment of all the things I have; simply LIVING this distant euphoric land of full recovery is coming closer each small win that happens practically daily.

like getting Sheridans and
not thinking about the calories in it.
Man. Hello new Meg; I don't miss the old girl.

So- how to even describe FH group therapy? One thing I can't fathom leaving is the intimate friendships formed here (yay for phones and group texts). Hearing the depths of these girls' heart that have never been explored, and finding them myself; sharing it all while feeling lack of shame and judgement amidst crazy deep heart stuff is something that I will cherish for a life time. These girls are the people I know I could call any time and they would be there to support me, no questions asked. 

 It's an experience like none other; it's forming friendships and intimate bonds with people you have no choice with. It's realizing you all have a lot of common ground; hitting the end of your wits ends, realizing help was crucial for living, and then doing something about it. It's not only hearing the ins and outs of the girls lives', but desiring to learn it to not only relate but to see their growth.

These girls have helped save the course of my life through Fairhaven; the therapists, dietitians, recovery coaches, group members; heck the business people are just as vital because without them I wouldn't of logistically gotten here. 

So. In short. Thanks Fairhaven. 

Thanks for changing my life; saving it; helping me find freedom I didn't know was there.

These people love me and encourage me in life, and doing the crazy things I want!

Mark 11:22-24 is Light to the very fact of having the faith for full recovery. Before coming here this (bible verses below) was an aimless prayer because it was wishful thinking; it was sucky faith honestly. I like to come off as this cute girl who loves Jesus, but also needing help; yet having the faith to balance both.
Let me just tell you...sometimes I have sucky faith. I WISH for lots of things but having faith for it to happen sometimes doesn't always go through.
But. Piece by piece I am experiencing the mountain moving faith that Jesus has given me. That is with countless moments of screaming to God of why or how or impossible; I still have those moments, but I am striving for less of them because He is a God that has saved me from the depths of depravity and given me Fairhaven to find new life in recovery with Him.

And Jesus answered them, “Have faith in God. Truly, I say to you, whoever says to this mountain, ‘Be taken up and thrown into the sea,’ and does not doubt in his heart, but believes that what he says will come to pass, it will be done for him. Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours.

THE year of bold claims

First blog of 2017!

Ringing in 2017 was one for the books. Short story. 2 years ago, thanks to our mutual friend, Varina; Sara (girl pictured below) and I became 'virtual friends'. Fast forward to now; why not go spend all weekend with a girl I've never met but feel like I have. A girl that loves hard; loves Jesus; loves people; loves doing life. Sounded like a match, so off I went to Birmingham.

Sara and I did this epic train run New Year's Eve morning. I didn't race in 2016 so this was a huge deal for me. I fueled properly, drank water, hugged it out with smiles and encouragement as Sara ran off, and then off I went into the Red Mountain Park for 6.2 miles. Those were the best racing miles yet because they were ran while seeking recovery (and the hilliest course I've ever ran). Getting to finish strong and not feel terrible is a one in a million experience I can't wait to relive all season long.

Sara and Meg; real friends for 12 hours but newfound life bud as a BOBCAT.

The story gets better. Sara always ran with this bracelet; to remind her that her worth isn't in her numbers, speed, distance; her worth is in what is said about her. She is enough; I am enough. Not because of what we do, but because of what Christ did. I told her how much I struggle with that and how I thought of her bracelet through the run; she proceeded to take it off her wrist and tell me it's my turn to have it.

I am here to say to 2017 that I am enough. Period.

I am enoughnotbecause of how far I can run, how fast my 5k is, what my weekly mileage is; the list is endless. I am enough and that's that. There's no comma, no semicolon; just a PERIOD. I'm not saying I have that one down, but is one that I actively work on every time I step out the door.

2017 will be THE year; not 'another' year. Last year I made the complete opposite claim. That 2016 would be 'another' year; nothing special. And God has GOTTA be laughing about that one. 

I am making the bold claim that 2017 will be filled with lots of experiencing moments; lots of early morning joys, spontaneous nights of pizza after runs with FF, road trips to Memphis, early morning pool time, art projects, all the chips from Sombra, and so many more fun moments. 

2017 is going to be THE year; all year expect, 'this time last year I was starting treatment round 1'; 'this time last year I had to stop working because I couldn't handle it anymore'.

 Because I simply can't help but admire the past 12 months and glory in the fact I'm still here. I can't help but continue to scream until I can't anymore about how BIG His love is; His grace is; His plans are. That I am not only still here but getting to have new life.

This year I will be on my two feet, not only surviving but standing firm. 

This year I will look back and see His faithfulness while looking ahead at the newness of life. Seeing what adventures await.

so many reasons to jump for joy

The last few weeks I have been working on this art project with Kelley. It's about body image and what I want/am: one side is 'unrealistic expectations', and the other is 'recovery/self'. I spent a solid 2 weeks searching magazines endlessly finding all the right pictures. I finally had the right ones and proceeded to put the pieces together. Gluing the unrealistic expectations down was more liberating than I anticipated it being. It was letting go false 'hope' and looking to the recovery self. Putting the recovery self parts on the page was this newfound freedom in what I can continue to seek.

 The picture below is what I see for recovery. Joy over the FUN in racing. Not over how far it was, how fast it was; just the companionship of it all. Joy in enjoying sweet potato fries, greek yogurt, Newk's  favorite salad, soups. Joy in not hesitating for candy I love at work; coaching people to reach their goals and not compare my numbers to theirs.

My "OD" (other dad) and I have run lots of miles together I'll say. 

Recovery is being thrilled for the accomplishment at what my body can do, not what I can do to burn calories. Recovery is not blinking an eye for spontaneity and experiencing the moments. 

Recovery is coming for me; I am seeking it for 2017.