I hope the spark in my face of new life and freedom continues to grow.

This time last year I wrote a blog called Contentment Year where I made bold claims towards 2016; some were on point about growth, and one about 2016 being 'another year', and not 'the' year.....

Boy was I wrong.

I laugh at the fact I claimed 2016 to be 'another' year, yet it all too quickly became the year that I found rock bottom, but then got to build a new foundation upon; one that is changing the course of my life.
I can't help but hold the emotions of sadness and thankfulness simultaneously; that half of 2016 was spent in treatment. That I was really that broken; I really came to the end--twice. That I realized I needed help, and had/have a multitude of people journey beside me and fight with me.

I spent my birthday; Mardi Gras; Easter; Halloween; Thanksgiving; Jesus' birthday; New Years amidst treatment. I spent countless hours, nights, mornings, road trips, life experiences doing homework, life work, mindfulness work, processes, art, music, and all the things involved to seek recovery.

Christmas Even run with FF was EPIC; 2 people who've stood beside me and prayed me through 2016.

I hope I never grow tired of smiling when I talk about Fairhaven. I hope the intensity of the 3 weeks leading to Fairhaven doesn't dissipate. I hope I never lose the fire of experiencing newfound core beliefs I deemed weren't possible. I want to keep seeking my 'euphoric grey land'.  I hope the spark in my face of new life and freedom continues to grow. I desperately want to keep recovery.

I want recovery. I want recovery for all it's worth. I want to fight; to struggle; to FEEL; to LIVE; to BE; to embody TRUE freedom; to know what that even means. I want to continue to find the rainbow yet grey land; to seek confidence only found in Self. I need to continue to separate Ed and Bipolar as 'parts'; know there is a Meg 'Self' and know who she is apart from them. I want to eat ice cream at 10 pm; have a salad because it's yummy; run 15 miles because of the high, not because of high caloric foods. I want to have chocolate covered raisins on January 1st because I LOVE them; not start the latest fat diet.

Candiss' girlie whom my heart loves/adores/cherishes

So. Here we go 2017. I finished this year by not going to Gulfport for Christmas; I spent it with one of my BFF's, Candiss, and her family of FIVE kiddos. Oh boy was that a glorious experience!

I spent time with my Fleet Feet fam. whom I can't wait to be united with, and finished the trip with my Church family.
In case I haven't ranted enough about my love for Pinelake, I'm going to continue. The kiddos that my heart loves to teach made me Christmas cards. They were filled with cuteness, 'Jesus loves you', 'Merry Christmas', 'praying for you', and my personal favorite: "Hi. I'm a new girl. You must be really nice. Can't wait to meet you." COULDN'T MAKE THIS STUFF UP!

Thanks Bethany for making this happen! Best. Christmas gift. Ever.

The fact Jesus is teaching me identity lessons in my instagram literally makes me laugh.
See the picture below.
The left half is a girl who didn't want her face to be seen because she was seeking to be filled with perfection. She didn't think she was worth it; she didn't believe in the word beauty. She thought she had 'freedom', but didn't comprehend what that means.
The right half is a girl who is seeking to accept imperfection. A girl who is learning to seek compassion. She is trying to keep the raw freedom she is discovering. She values friendships, late night talks, quiet mornings with Jesus; she wants to experience the inevitable growing moments life is throwing at her. She is thankful and joy filled because stability is being found, and that is a miraculous experience she never wants to minimize.

One moment in group that really showed me how much I've learned is one day there was a new woman who joined and she was talking about some struggles she was having and Kelley (my individual) was leading the group; knowing I was battling similar things she looked at me to impart to her what I'm learning. So-I encouraged and talked, I finished and Kelley was like 'I can leave if you want and you can do this'. Obviously we all laughed and continued on, but I realized I wasn't just saying those things. I'm not just doing them like I came into FH doing; following along but not believe them to be true. I am now doing all the things because I BELIEVE them. The shift in my mind is happening before our eyes; THAT is astounding, miraculous personally. 

My response was that I have a great therapist who has taught me well. Divine appointments are real and the intricacies of who was given me to gently (and sometimes not as gently but always compassionately) see 2x a week with was DEF planned. 

So. Week 11 came and went; work is being put in; new parts of my heart are being seen. Despite the fear and shame, learning to let go is a surprising, refreshing experience.

Hello 2017 to welcome in week 12/month 3 in Cordova.

Fro-yo in 27 degree weather, and group experiences that are unexplainable

Hello Christmas! What a unique experience to be at treatment until Christmas Adam.
It's been a killer week as far as progress goes-I think I've made a month's progress in the span of 48 hours...literally. This is the point in this blog where I lose words because if you didn't already know-group therapy is the most intensive thing in life; it's a perfect portrayal of what the Church should be. Though not everyone believes that Jesus is the Son of God, that He died for us, and rose again, we all come together on the common ground of God; that there IS a higher power helping us with recovery.
Anyways, I've been approaching all the topics I find shame in, what I find shameful, why I find them shameful, and how to find freedom outside those walls. As I get more and more into recovery I remember more; it's such a beautiful experience because I heard of that happening but of-course I was convinced that I was above that rule-HAH.

Sasha and I have had some fun times this week. Like getting fro yo in the midst of the cold front. I couldn't believe I had that whole thing as a snack, but I loved every second. Realizing I didn't 'screw' up my day, but just listened to what my body was craving is such a new realm of life I never knew possible until now!

For 2 days our afternoon group consisted of 'the odd couple', and that was wonderful simply because our level of trust for each other. This week our apartment was filled with great conversations about life, Jesus, yet sitting in silence, Christmas present talk, and of-course playing with Nadia.

Sasha joined 'phase 2' with me this week, and the thing we both value is the intimacy and vulnerability levels that we all come to. Everyday as some point group is intense; filled with emotional trauma talk, figuring out more and more what Ed and other mal-adaptive behaviors provided for us, and coming face-to-face with shame and intense emotional moments.

In other news, I have found a girl, Bridget, that loves Jesus so much, and we are prayer partners. Having another person be so in tune with the Spirit is a blessing to my life.

Below is something that I've been striving to view everyday with every meal. The red is 'diet' mentality, and the green is the realm we should be in. 

So, here we go Christmas! I am going to Jackson to spend most of it with my BFF Candiss and couldn't be anymore elated to wake up with FIVE kiddos my heart loves so dearly! I'll see dad for a few hours Christmas Eve, but overall Candiss and Meg are back in action!

Week 9's ramblings of celebrating friends, Summers departure, and the redeeming love of phase 2.

9 weeks. I'll always have to start each blog with that for 2 reasons: each week I'm overwhelmed by the number rising, and so I can keep up with it HAH!

Getting to celebrate my 'other half's' birthday was a beautiful experience! We are dubbed 'the odd couple' because literally imagine the opposite version of me, and you have Sasha. We have begun to think on the same wave length because more than once we have texted each other simultaneously. We can sit in silence forever and not think twice about it, then jump into random conversations ranging from aimless life chats, to past experiences leading us to present day.

God sure had a plan bringing us to Fairhaven at the same time; divine timing is a beautiful thing.

That thing was GLORIOUS. 

Facetiming my MAD clan while I spend quality time with PoMegranate (my bike) is so fun. I can't wait to be back in Jackson to continue these dates and many more in person!

The 'Meg face' is always a favorite.

In case you missed it, I was in a car wreck on Tuesday. I was driving straight, the other car was trying to turn left; he had a yield green type deal, and missed my blue car apparently. It was one of those moments where I saw that he was about to hit me and it was RIGHT where I was sitting so there was no avoiding it so I simply braced myself for the fate I was given. I spun, 3 airbags went off, smoke emerged, and I stopped in the middle of the road. I drove 4 feet to the gas station adjacent to where I was hit, and so did he. We proceeded to call the cops, and my first call was to Fairhaven to tell them to get Vanessa to come get me. Vanessa showed up 10 minutes later and kept me company as my car was towed, the claims were made, and all the things involved in the process. I went to FH after and simply hung out there for a little while to calm down and process the fact Summer is probably totaled. 

As of now I have the police report, we are planning an agent to come asses my car to deem it totaled and thus time to find another car. Round 3; this has to be a joke.

At the time I didn't feel anything, but as adrenaline left my body, my neck and lower back became sore and stiff, and my arms were hurting. I went to the doctor and they said I strained muscles in my lower back and neck, and gave me meds to help. I am feeling better everyday, and I am so thankful to be at a place in recovery to be able to handle this physically, mentally, and emotionally. Recovery is something that flows to every part of life, and I sure learned that Tuesday!

My friends are too entertaining to either appreciate my jokes, or give them to me!

 Friday was probably one of the best days superficially of group. We had parties to celebrate Jenni and to wish Jo Jo and Becca good-bye; two vital group members. Jo Jo and I have such similar recovery stories; it is a beautiful thing to watch and be apart of someone's transforming life.
We dressed up, so I was an elf ;) and then got too hot so my friend cut me a shirt to be 'trendy'. THANKS LAUREN! So alas, Jenni is gone but her spirit lives here because she changed many lives.

Bridget and I switched shoes because we are cute that way.

SO thankful for this lady. 

SO. As far as therapy goes, this week was a beautfully bonding one. I learned and grew closer to each girl in phase 2; I was so resistant to go but God knew the week I needed to transfer and this was a golden one. Lots of breakthroughs for them and myself. Lots of raw, authentic, tear-filled, messy, redeeming moments for many of us.

I personally am working through body image, which is one of the biggie's for breaking up with Ed. The breakup is long, draining, filled with being done and desiring him back. But ultimately knowing he is toxic and a person that I never want to be consumed with again.

So. It's going, and I can hardly wait for week 10 to see what it holds.

Life lessons deserve a mid-week ramble

I have been ingesting about a month's worth of therapy in a span of 4 days. I couldn't really wait another 4 days to blog because who knows what else I will be learning/experiencing.

There are so many things to talk about so I'll start with the 'lighter' one. 

One of the key parts of Fairhaven that is changing the course of my life is the amount of food that I eat, and internalize that I NEED.

The fact that my body is still here simply amazes me. Realizing how many nutrients and energy sources I deprived my body of makes me thankful for my life; thankful to be able to dance, sing, twirl in circles, crunch leaves in the yard, do sports my heart loves, coach, craft; the list could go on.

The knowledge that my perception of 'normal' was so vastly skewed by a LONG SHOT is mind blowing. The fact that I fought for so long and gave up the fight by walking in these doors is even longer of a shot.

That would be all thanks to my in-your-face, 1/2 the time telling me no, calling me on my safe foods, telling me to buy FREAKING butter, rest day encouraging, teaching, non-judging, compassionate, loving dietitian, Jenni.

My phrase to her is 'DAMMIT JENNI; THANK YOU!' because she challenges me, pushes me, encourages me, and has gently thrown me into this new world of feeling deserving of food even when I don't run/cycle. Of feeling content eating a cookie because I want one; having a salad with lots of things on it because it's yummy; simply LIVING the life that I've missed out on for so long.

Like sitting on the couch with Nadia enjoying the fire

I'll never get over the fact that I am so comfortable and content with the amount of food/calories I eat in a day. Like. DANG. I love getting to eat chocolate covered raisins, the fancy yogurt and granola, mac and cheese, sweet potato fries, and last but not least CALORIC DRINKS FROM STARBUCKS BECAUSE THEY ARE YUMMY AND IT'S OK TO DRINK CALORIES SOMETIMES.

So. Food is the physical reason I'm here and some war fighting and victory has been happening.

I also will never get over the fact that I want to do triathlons as a SPORT. If I'm being honest with you, I was always confused why some of my friends did triathlons because they were already 'skinny' and didn't need to lose anymore weight. So, why do a sport that just burns calories? 

OH MEG.

For the first time I am seeing their perspective. I get glimpses when I am doing a hard workout that I am not simply doing this to burn calories anymore, but because I enjoy the rush I get; the adrenaline; the satisfaction of seeing my body overcome so many things.

Getting to fall in love with running and cycling again is a beautiful, redeeming experience that I'll never be able to communicate that I appreciate. 

Like getting the confidence to buy the shorts Ed told me for 2 years I couldn't buy because my thighs touch and the shorts are tight. But. NO. HECKYES.

*In group we give this one therapist a hard time because she does 'hard left turns' meaning she changes topics quickly; so in Terri form I am taking one of those.*

1) What do you fear?

2) Where does your pride lie?

1) shame and judgement 

2) my athletic numbers

Church on Sunday ended with those two questions. Little did I know God had bigger plans that just Sunday at Highpoint with those questions.

Of-course on Monday (yes 24 hours after that) Kelley and I talk about the perceived expectations I have of myself from others via running, and the topic of shame and why I feel that towards specific things in my life.  

I have such a huge self-critic part that I am learning more about and that needs a separate home regarding all of this. So much of my beliefs, I am learning, stems from what OTHER PEOPLE either have given me the reason to perceive myself, I have given myself the reason to judge me, or simply taught me 'beliefs' with no valid explanation. Other people seemed to be the driving force of the conversation; I am learning I don't really know why I believe some of my core beliefs, and getting to figure them out and re-wire my brain physically, emotionally, and spiritually is a pretty tough but empowering process.

Getting to fight the fear with Light is a draining, raw, messy, but fulfilling, restful, redeeming part of Fairhaven that I never would've done.

No shame will be found in the fact that I walk Nadia while eating my various breakfast foods

So. Though I'm here for a little while longer; Jenni won't be. My sadness is overwhelming but my happiness for her life transition is hopeful. So. Her leaving made me ponder and revisit the Meg that walked in the doors of Fairhaven 8 weeks ago. To look at her, feel sad for her, learn from her, and never go back to her again. To never forget the Meg that was so that I can always be thankful for the Meg that I am becoming.

To look at the progress Fairhaven has given me, cry tears of thankfulness, scream shouts of joy-filling freedom, and await the coming weeks' lessons.

WEEK 8. Weekend wonders and new words declaring my livelihood

I thought this was going to be when I left FH. That I only needed an 8 week 'tune up' for lack of words. But. No. Of-course my timeline has no effect on God's.

This past week I have done a LOT of processing. About the function of my eating disorder; what it provided for me, and what I can do for myself now. I personally also go into HOW much the symptoms of bipolar are rampant within Ed. It never ceases to amaze me to see how bound my life was before Fairhaven, and how much freedom I get to seek and find here.

I am reading Revelation, and this Christmas bible reading plan. I've never really done this before so it's such an eye-opening experience! So far my favorite is this. Isaiah 57. Verse 4 is pretty much the summary of what FH is helping me get to;

FEAR NOT; SHAME IS NOT THE DEFINITION OF YOUR LIVELIHOOD.

He redeemed; He is holy; He is over the Earth.

THAT is my new found definition. REDEEMED.

In other news my foot is ascting up again so I spend my days cycling; doing various workouts. I'll never be able to express how FH is redeeming my view of triathlons. That I never TRULY viewed it as my sport until about a month ago. That I FUEL my body FOR the love of the sport. That I need rest days, recovery days, hard days; days where I simply listen to my body for what it needs. 

THAT my friends is what an athlete is, and I am learning and yearning with my whole heart to be that every day.

2017-I'm coming for ya; Meg is back in action for racing!

Since we last 'talked' I went home again. I partied it up at FF's Christmas party. It was such a beautiful time to JUMP right back into my staff who loves, supports, and misses me ALMOST as much as I miss them.

tacky dress up parties is what we do; we go all out for any and everything.

The most filling thing that can happen for my heart is walking in the doors of Pinelake; where the whole staff prays for me thanks to Bethany. Supportive of the fact that yes God is in this, but I needed more help than I was able to find; that Jesus PLUS treatment is still glorying in the Lord. THAT is how you know you found the capital C Church . Leading those kiddos to learn about trusting and obeying God was such a one in a million experience.
I also got to hang out with my small group Sunday afternoon.  These ladies pray for me, send me mail, and love me in my place of life.

We saw The Nutcracker and went to dinner and played dirty santa!

So. Week 8 is done. 

I am more and more grateful for the Sovereignty of God for placing Sasha (roomie), Nadia (her/our dog), and I in the same apartment. We are officially known as 'the odd couple'. We are as opposite as people come; if you've seen the movie 'Inside Out', one of my friends described as a 'happy' and 'sad'. *Sasha isn't a sad person, but simply isn't as expressive with her feelings towards life-I sure make up for that*. So. That's fun, and wonderful, and I can't even ponder having to leave her.

There's so much going on that it seems impossible to encompass everything that I am learning; doing; seeing; experiencing; feeling. This is my effort to remember what I want to remember because hey-this is the blog where I can look back and glory in where I was, is going, and want to be.

Passionately committing

Well. I started week 6 blog, walked away, didn't come back, and now here we are to blog about week 7. That just feels awkward. 7 weeks of Fairhaven. 7 weeks of changing the course of my life.
I'm gonna try to not skip over week 6 because it was Thanksgiving!

Thanksgiving day at the cabin with the fam. is always a party.

I had the best Thanksgiving Turkey Day 8k morning a girl whose missed Jackson could have.  I was greeted with such happiness and was elated myself. I jumped right back into the FF family. Staff has changed, but the closeness of our staff carries over; it's incredible. That made my anxious heart calm and apart of the family that my heart longs to be back with. The FF community was so welcoming and happy to see my face back. I was thankful to start the morning with the crew and I have no amount of words to express my admiration for everyone happy to ask how I was, and genuinely encourage my pause of life.

I love my staff. The end.

So the weekend was pretty big because MY SISTER GOT MARRIED Y'ALL! I was so happy to drive to NOLA to celebrate her. We ate lots of yummy foods, got ready, looked pre-tay, and celebrated!

I love my sissy!

Week 7 started off with a BANG. My individual therapist, Kelley, is gone this week for some training which makes me sad. Last week I did my first speed work session and it went GREAT! (6:15's baby!) I was supposed to race St. Jude 5K and had high ambitions to crush it. 

DUN DUN DUN. 

Wednesday I was running- did 1 800 @ RP and BAM. The all known too well fractured foot feeling came soaring back. Not as intense-but the same twinge, dull pain, annoying limp when I first stand up, and lots of other frustrating things.

So thankful for such close friends like Elizabeth to encourage me in running, recovery, and life in general. Doing life with #mytribe is worth recovery.

Another aspect I am thankful for is a December Christmas bible reading plan I'm doing with Elizabeth and Amanda. In Isaiah 9 it talks about what the Lord is going to accomplish with the Messiah. I am always blown away by the fact THOUSANDS of years before Jesus was here, He was being prophesied about and worshiped. One phrase my recovery bible used in v.7 was 'passionate commitment'. It was specifically talking about how the Lord would do all the things He said he would in the preceding verses, like bringing to light darkness and giving birth to Christ, our Mighty God.

Passionate commitment.

THAT is what I want my recovery to embody.  I have been making strides and claims to 'love hard'; to be an 'activist for voices who can't'; to 'follow my passions'. And. THIS is it. Passionately commit to recovery and the rest of life will fall into place. JUST like following Christ and being in His word will simultaneously put us in the center of His will no matter the circumstance. Being in His word; passionately committing to recovery will get us to full recovery and redemption in Him.

Recovery wouldn't be possible without these ladies by my side. Processing my life, their life, and all that encompasses it.

Apart from my Jesus time, group itself is good. I am learning a lot about separating Ed from Meg. (He is officially a person vs. MY person-which is a big deal) Getting to talk about him, to him, and pretend to be 'Him' is pretty powerful. We talk to and about Parts of us like: perfection, self-critic, Ed, and various others. It's intense classes, but makes recovery worthwhile.

So. Week 7 done. I'm discouraged because of my foot, but encouraged because I am still trekking along despite physical setbacks. I'm elated to go home for my FF fam. Christmas party and get to have a fun night celebrating us.
Bring. On. The. Fun. :)

Modern-day miracles alongside meds in Memphis for Meg

*I hope you appreciated my alliteration for the title*
The weeks are starting to blend together.  5 weeks done.  5 weeks of battling my own version of hell; figuring out the hotter parts, how to steer away, and how to handle them in the inevitable times to cross paths with it.  Not necessarily getting rid of it with water, but handling the various degrees with sun screen, proper clothing and visors.

My newfound run buddy and I!

One of the 484392857 topics we process though is about what 'society' deems 'normal'. We do some work about what our 'Self' wants for us despite pre-conceived notions.  That we have different 'parts' that want different things, but there is 'Self' amidst it all.  I keep going back to that I want to be a 'teacher of passions' and 'an advocate for voices who can't/won't'. Quite honestly, the longer I am here, the more I realize that life when I get home is going to hit hard. I will jump back into the run culture of 'earning' certain food group calories. I will be challenged with 'good' foods and 'bad' foods despite my eating chocolate covered raisins happiness here. I will hear about peoples' weight loss successes, hear numbers that are triggering, and yet be back on the best staff on planet Earth that I miss dearly.  I LOVE our running community, but am learning much of what we 'practice' might not be pro-recovery. That's a tough one to type. Let's also not forget I assume I'll be home sometime in the *hopefully* beginning of 2017-HELLO WEIGHT LOSS CUZ IT'S NEW YEAR. So then we will have the 'X' number of calorie diets swirling around like leaves in Memphis on a crisp, fall day.
If I could scream from the mountain tops how many calories I have previously 'survived' off of, what I thought was normal, and what I eat now; each time the number has more than DOUBLED. Yeah. That's a fun pill to swallow. Diet is a word that will never enter the Meg realm again-and in our society that isn't exactly ''normal" for anyone over a size 2. But alas, I want to teach my newfound discovery of all food is equal, and scream it for those who won't.

Delicious yogurt bowls like this aren't in eating disorder hell, but only found in the deep water filled, recovery abyss.

Something I have had on my mind for a while now is how the heck to balance that I have been a Christ-follower amidst all of this. I know if I would've died neck-deep in my eating disorder that my salvation was and IS secure in Him.

I feel like lots of Christians feel 'ok' with saying, "I have had seasons of struggling with depression/anxiety/etc. when 'X' happened...but I prayed about it and realized I wasn't giving over 'X' to God, and wow it's so much better now." (I'm NOT discounting those experiences by any means!) But, then proceed to tell me books that will help me get closer to God because that HAS to be the issue, certain prayers to pray, what they did, bible verses, identity crisis help, etc.

What about those that are born with brain chemicals out of your control?
What if you can't help that some days you want to jump out of your skin from being so manic, to 2 days later struggling to get out of bed?
What if your season of struggling is my everyday?
What if you were told that you have a disease in your brain that some people don't believe in, that isn't curable, but is something that you have to learn to manage?
What about the fact that prayer plus doctors is hunky dory for my gallbladder help, but when it comes to my brain- not so much?
WHAT IF my Jesus experience involves relying on Him to show me what to DO to get better?

Getting to encounter God during my runs in my favorite part of the day.

I am here to say that I believe in miracles; modern-day miracles.  I believe that God so perfectly gave doctors the brains and tools to figure out HOW to make medicine to help my brain be balanced to function to the best ability my brain can.
THAT my dear friends is a miracle; not necessarily never taking another psychiatric med again, but having enough self-love to know that I DESERVE modern medicine for when I get walking pneumonia AND for when I have a panic attack and need help. To believe that God is still Sovereign over brain chemicals BY PROVIDING doctors to design things to help me manage my fallen nature.

We do apartment life, Fairhaven life, and social life!

This intensive week of therapy ended on such a happy note.  Fairhaven celebrated Thanksgiving during Friday lunch.  It was such a special moment getting to sit around a table with the people who are fighting with me everyday; that I am fighting alongside.  Getting to sit with the therapists and recovery staff who are apart of our successes, tough days, laughter, tears, and everything else. Having the freedom to know judgement isn't happening and no one will make any comments about food, size, or post-meal guilt (ok we process through that one).
One-in-a-million experience.

My friends and I also had a 'Cheesecake challenge' night. It was fun-filled!

I cannot wait for my next blog because I will be writing it from the glorious city of CLINTON, MS!!
Thanksgiving is coming and it will be filled with Fleet Feet family Turkey Day 8k, cabin time in the woods, running friends, Ridgeland trails, NOLA trip, Pinelake family, and anything else that might come up. It's going to be glorious.

'Til then. Know that it's going. Know that the days are getting more intense; that my days are finding more and more freedom with every small battle we encounter. Know that I appreciate all the wonderful letters I write. That I might take a few weeks to write back because my brain is so mentally exhausted from group therapy. So, thank you thank you thank you my tribe. Thank you for encouraging me all the way here, and for when I come back down. It's valued more than words can express.

Wastelanded locusts'-WEEK 4 Y'ALL

Well..I can't believe I am typing that I have been here 4 weeks.  One moment it feels like it's been 4 days, yet sometimes 4 months from all that I've gained.  I have had some wonderful weekends filled with people my heart is always elated to see.

Olivia and her clan is a great mix of fun and chill. (fun from that cutie in front, and chill from the adults--HAH!)

Lindy, Dae, Porter, David.  Lindy is the 'Paul' to my Timothy heart; teaching me Jesus and bible since I was 15.  Though we don't 'disciple' anymore, I am endlessly thankful for the beautiful relationship formed.

Lily, Dawn, and Dad came to see me and we ziplined and ropes coursed it up Saturday afternoon!

One thing that I could NOT wait to blog about is how Joel is SUCH a great picture of recovery.
Lemme tell you a story.  Stick with me because I promise it relates to where I'm at in a few paragraphs!
Joel 1-2:11 is a treacherous time about how awful the land of Judah was.  Locusts invade; it was a ginormous ordeal; makes me think of the 10 plagues- simultaneously.  There was earthquakes, gruesome descriptions of the locusts/ the destruction they caused, fires, darkness;
FEAR gripped all people.

But.  God. 


In 2:12 the story starts to turn around.  He talks about the deliverance that will happen.  Driving the locust armies away; only when the people of Judah come to him with broken hearts that provision happens -with GREAT rejoicing!
THEN.
V. 2:25: "The LORD says, "I will give you back what you lost to the swarming locusts, the hopping locusts, the stripping locusts, and the cutting locusts.  It was I who sent this great destroying army against you."
WOW! HE WILL GIVE BACK WHAT I LOST TO THE LOCUSTS.
But wait.  There's more.
V. 3:18-19 says, "...Water will fill the stream beds of Judah..But Egypt will become a wasteland and Edom will become a wilderness..."
WOW.  NOT ONLY WILL JUDAH COME BACK BUT EGYPT WILL BE WASTELAND!

The locusts' surely don't eat delicious things like this in Egypt.

Let me explain.
~The locusts are my eating disorder.
~Egypt is old Meg.
~Judah is my heart.
There is a terrible story I tend to leave out of this whole recovery process; making the beautiful story of redeemed recovery all the less miraculous.  Let me never skip over the month leading to here; the all hell breaking loose and coming to the place of true brokenness. I am learning to not forget the depravity and bound heart that once was, to see what God is doing to loosen the chains of gripping fear, all the while accepting that the destroying locust armies indeed served a purpose.
However, it's time for the locusts' to be taken to war; sent to the wastelands.  It's not that Egypt is expected to disappear off the map, but becomes a part that no longer has impact on Judah.
THUS it's not like I am asking ed to magically disappear, but I AM telling him where he belongs- not able to impact my heart.
God will and is restoring me by watering the streams of my heart; being a refuge, fortress; never again disgracing my 'Self' with locusts.

CAN WE PLEASE TALK ABOUT HOW THIS RELATES TO EXODUS 14 FROM LAST WEEK AND Y'ALL I CAN'T GET OVER IT.

My friends and I do fun things. Like Sasha (my roomie) and I getting delicious Pyro's. 

So.  That's my 'what I am learning'.
Otherwise Cordova itself is great.  I am loving learning alongside all my group friends; doing fun outings like custard, Old Navy shopping, pizza, grocery outings, movies.  Group itself is becoming more intense each week; delving into psychodrama, different therapy coping skills, figuring out who ed was to me, all the rules ed has for me, and screwing them up by breaking them!!  Raising my med's to try to get my brain to a more stable place is going well because we are actually doing it one at a time; slowly-WOW.  Some days are tougher than others, I get exhausted from a lot of it.  I miss Jackson more than words can express.  I love and appreciate my friends-the amount of love and support is truly incredible and makes my fight all the stronger.
I am thankful for this place; I could scream from the mountain tops of my thankfulness for each person at Fairhaven for being such a version of compassion I have never seen. For being apart of the life saving/life changing/life giving experience of continually finding true recovery.

Defeating my Egyptians is no small task.

Week 3. DONE. It feels surreal to even say.
I usually like to wait until Saturday to blog, but DAD is coming up so I'm sure I would have lots of happy things to say and steer away from the depth of what I am learning-so I blogged a day early.

There is SO much learning going on.  Struggling. Enduring. Tears. Laughs. Fears. Successes. I won't ever say failures because being here within itself is nothing short of failure.
I am learning about core beliefs and how skewed mine are.  I am learning the value of good food; that the new numbers I am consuming is fuel.  I'm learning that 100 calories isn't a big deal.  I am accepting the vitality that Fairhaven is truly saving my life.  I am accepting that diagnoses aren't an I AM statement but an I HAVE one.  That I have a fabulous job family; I have bipolar; I have 2 arms; I have pretty hair.  You know. Throw it all in.

Art therapy is the JAM! This is a snow storm; a great depiction of where I am at with life.  Snow can be beautifully calm, yet rage filled, destroying everything in its' path; never without hope because of the Son.

I had to choose a phrase or quote to go back to for when I'm struggling; when I want to give up.
I wanted to think of the 'perfect' phrase; the 'something' that everyone will love and accept.  But, I kept thinking of this one particular verse; "I didn't want to use THIS one-there HAS to be something better."  Exodus 14:14 just seemed silly-I mean gosh I just need to be still.
BUT surrounding v. 14 is the beauty of recovery.  The Lord is fighting for me yes, BUT is practically helping me seek life; finding the freedom to the other side of the water.  The Lord didn't let Moses lolly gag around-NO! He told Moses to ACT; to DO something to help the Israelite's. That the Egyptians would be GONE.  The Lord provided for them, and Moses ACTED on the provision.  THAT is how recovery works.  I am given Fairhaven; I am SO thankful for the provision and perfect timing for this place.  I am truly eternally grateful for my individual therapist Kelley, and my dietitian Jenni.  They get to help me find new life. They deal with all my questions, hesitancy, happy moments, intense moments, and everything in between. They challenge me, let me complain about how hard it is, but know they are altering the course of the rest of my life. And THEN I get to put into practice what I am given.

13 Moses answered the people, “Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the Lord will bring you today. The Egyptians you see today you will never see again. 14 The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still.”

15 Then the Lord said to Moses, “Why are you crying out to me? Tell the Israelite's to move on. 16 Raise your staff and stretch out your hand over the sea to divide the water so that the Israelite's can go through the sea on dry ground. 

Welcome to Fairhaven; we have fun dogs that enjoy each other's company just like their mama's!

So. This place is pretty stellar.  I am learning about how my bipolar and eating disorder go together. That the trauma of my attempting to deal with my lack of balanced brain was apart of the starting and culmination of my ED. That is was my mal-adaptive coping skill.  This is all honestly pretty surreal to 'blog' on-but I just don't want you to miss the vitality; the miracle in all of this.  That I never thought I'd be 'that girl'. It's surreal knowing so many people know I am 'getting help' for my brain- can I just state the obvious that it's kinda scary yet incredibly freeing! It's so helpful for me to blog through, but if you get to learn from it to then that is an ultimate win.  I love answering questions to help you process and understand more, but know it simultaneously helps me all the same.

Welcome to recovery. I get yummy breakfast like granola, apples, and PB in a yogurt bowl!

So. It's going. It's not stopping. I am learning more and experiencing more freedom than I ever dreamed possible for my life, my future, my brain, my runs. 
It's certainly no small task but is one We are taking on.

Week #2 doesn't get a crafty name because my brain is tired ;)

It feels like I just wrote week #1's blog post and it's already been another week. Another week of challenging meals, hard conversations, tears about what I have to do, laughs with newfound friends, Bablu, ice cream, new meds, fun running routes, getting lost and mapping my way home, happiness over the girls in group, frustration over the process knowing it's worth it; kissing Meg's timeline good-bye and surrendering to the powers above me (Jesus and Fairhaven..ha!).

There's so many things to say that will never begin to explain the depth of everyday. But first let's look at some light-hearted fun things that have been happening!

Saturday (today) I had the thrilling opportunity to go to Tupelo to see my kindred spirit, and her kiddos.  AG qualified for STATE MEET as a 7th grader so getting to cheer her on was wonderful.  I've also gotten to facetime/talk to a plethora of friends from Jackson and that always makes my day.  I am happy to hear from you; tell me about your day! I love getting mail that simply tells me daily life stories.  Trust me, it's crazy enough here I love hearing your work/run/school stories HAH!

I had the privilege of spending last Sunday with the Avery's.  I went to church with their family; went over for lunch (15 people mind you), laughed, had birthday yumminess, talked; all the fun things that people do on Sunday's.  It was beautifully good for my soul in so many forms.

I also Facetimed into my bible study in Clinton.  It was SO fun to jump right back in!

I have been learning oodles about myself and it's only been two weeks.  Imagine having to change the way you've been thinking your entire life; that is what my everyday is like.  It's pretty intense safe to say.  Learning how bound I have been to myself for 24 years is a sobering reality, but one that is going to be freed up is an even better life picture. 

Learning the ins and outs of what exactly is imbalanced in my brain; all the things that caused it, what we can do about it, and how to deal practically with it.  I'll be here a little while to go through the individual parts of my treatment plan; it takes time, work, trust, and the desire to do it all. 

Learning different systems of therapy, about the various 'self's' we have, how they communicate, what the lack of communication does, and how to have more inner dialogue between them all (no...this is not multiple personality disorder!! :D).

We talk a lot about what our bodies can do.  So.  Here is some art therapy because this will always be my favorite part of group; that and my individual sessions with Kelley (primary therapist) and Jenni (dietician).

We talk a lot about self-compassion, and how to implement it.  That we are raised in a culture that counteracts the very notion; that we should 'suck it up', always put others first, and smile.  Self compassion sometimes needs the complete opposite, and that's OK.  For me, I need to learn to embrace negativity, sadness, anger, and all the things that I don't show.  So that is going to take some time; recovery has to come first and if that means staying here longer than so be it.

So.  Here we are.  Fairhaven is the sole thing that is going to alter the course of the rest of my life.  Can I just say that knowing I am doing the thing that is going to free me to be a healthy Meg is pretty enthralling.  I honestly was sick of being sick.  You might not of ever had the 'honor' *sarcasm* of seeing some of my not-so-pretty moments, but for those that did saw they sure inhibited my daily life.  

Just like diabetes will hinder you; untreated brain chemicals will do the same.  Lack of control over your blood sugar is the EXACT same as lack of control over how I will be feeling that moment.

This is not where I talk about having sudden control.  This is where the word surrender comes into play.  That I am continually surrendering my thoughts, emotions, desires; all the things into the hands of Fairhaven and Christ.  I surrender every morning into His will, and His will is for me to be here, so they coincide beautifully.

Week 2 is done, and I am hopeful for week 3 to continue the success from week 2.

Fore-coming freedom in all the ways I never envisioned.

Talking about my first week of treatment is tough one.  I would like to be able to say that I love it here.  That I have made lifelong friends. That I don't miss anything and everything is the perfect mix of challenge but good.

Week one and week two of treatment just isn't that way.  Week one is overwhelming; your desire to go home each day increases; every meal; hourly challenges; 473728 'check-in's' of how you feel.
Let's not forget this whole walking pneumonia thing coinciding with week one!!

Because going to the minor hospital the 3rd day in Cordova is the cool thing to do.

I miss Jackson more than you'll ever know.  I miss my friends; my Pinelake church family and kids ministry people.  I miss walking into Candiss' house and her kids just assuming it's me. I miss my Natchez Trace drives to work; runs with my Wednesday partner Lesley; Meghan; Erica.  I miss living with Renee' always catching up on each others' work drama (which never happens in either of our lives since we both work at perfect place with perfect people :P)  I miss DEARLY my FF fam; I can't wait to be back with them.
Eventually I'll be back with those things; when I am better able to.  But right now home is not the place for me, and it's ok to not be ok with that but to do it anyways because we can do hard things!

Thanks for encouraging me and getting me here. I love you Candiss no matter what!

It's not bad though-I don't need rescuing! I have a good roommate who is different from me but we live well together already; we got another one this weekend too.  I went out with 3 ladies from group; I found a few girls I'll connect well with; a few girls I don't connect much with.  We keep each other accountable and simply do life as best as we possibly can.
Group overall is encouraging and is an atmosphere where life-change will happen.  It's going to be the place where this blob of 'fore-coming freedom' I have always quietly dreamed of will happen.  We even did a visual exercise where we envisioned our recovered selves and it was such a beautiful experience listening to everyone's dreams and hear theirs align with mine.

TIGHTS WEATHER IS IN MEMPHIS Y'ALL

What's a normal day?
I usually wake up at 6/6:30. Read. Do homework. Journal. Coffee. Breakfast. Take a walk (when I can run--RUN).  It's a beautiful morning that is low-key to prepare for the day at hand.
Drive to Fairhaven around 9:20
check-in/vitals: 9:30
snack: 10ish
group #1: 10:30
lunch: 12:30
post-lunch process: 1ish
group #2 (sometimes a third group exists here too): 1:15
individual with my individual (Kelley) or nutritionist (Jenni) usually at 3 or so (or sometimes before vitals).

After group? If I don't run before, I'll run after; go on a walk; do homework; nap; talk to my friends from Jackson; FaceTime dates; read for fun; read for group; Netflix; hang with other girls/my roomie.

Shelby Farms is such a pretty place to walk around and run in!

~Snack is pretty fun: we try to get it over with quick so we can go back to the room to hang out, read, do outside art therapy, or whatever we want.
~AM group the first 2/3 weeks is 'compassion group' where you talk about your 'compassionate self'.  That is the KEY word for Fairhaven: compassionate; it's pretty beautiful if you ask me.  So compassion group is a little different everyday but revolves around our compassion book.
~After the first few weeks it's mind and body or some sort of non-book based therapy.
~Lunch is usually good; sometimes intense.  Some days we process more than others.
~Group 2 is different everyday: relapse prevention, IFS work, mind/body, poetry, art therapy, DBT work, Nutrition group; the list could go on.

I love me some art therapy.

So.  It's going.  I'll be here a little while that's for sure.  But: for fore-coming freedom it will be worth it.  I know I'm worth spending the time on because I want to be back in Jackson healthy and happily taking on what life has to offer.  With that, social media has become the place where I get homesick the most.  So-I am peacing out until I'm more comfortable here.  I'll still blog but-I won't be keeping up.  SO PLEASE if something happens shoot me a text.  I love pictures and random texts.  I love #mytribe and how it has expanded.  I wouldn't make it without y'all and the new people being added from all over the USA here in Cordova!

Treatment is going.  It's the best decision I've made for my life.  I can't wait to meet the Meg that I'm learning more about.  It's harder than any Ironman I'll ever do.  This is a small group of people who has my utmost respect to fight for themselves, and decide to get better, no matter the cost of uncomfortable moments; I hope to get there and am on my way.