Life lessons deserve a mid-week ramble

I have been ingesting about a month's worth of therapy in a span of 4 days. I couldn't really wait another 4 days to blog because who knows what else I will be learning/experiencing.

There are so many things to talk about so I'll start with the 'lighter' one. 

One of the key parts of Fairhaven that is changing the course of my life is the amount of food that I eat, and internalize that I NEED.

The fact that my body is still here simply amazes me. Realizing how many nutrients and energy sources I deprived my body of makes me thankful for my life; thankful to be able to dance, sing, twirl in circles, crunch leaves in the yard, do sports my heart loves, coach, craft; the list could go on.

The knowledge that my perception of 'normal' was so vastly skewed by a LONG SHOT is mind blowing. The fact that I fought for so long and gave up the fight by walking in these doors is even longer of a shot.

That would be all thanks to my in-your-face, 1/2 the time telling me no, calling me on my safe foods, telling me to buy FREAKING butter, rest day encouraging, teaching, non-judging, compassionate, loving dietitian, Jenni.

My phrase to her is 'DAMMIT JENNI; THANK YOU!' because she challenges me, pushes me, encourages me, and has gently thrown me into this new world of feeling deserving of food even when I don't run/cycle. Of feeling content eating a cookie because I want one; having a salad with lots of things on it because it's yummy; simply LIVING the life that I've missed out on for so long.

Like sitting on the couch with Nadia enjoying the fire

I'll never get over the fact that I am so comfortable and content with the amount of food/calories I eat in a day. Like. DANG. I love getting to eat chocolate covered raisins, the fancy yogurt and granola, mac and cheese, sweet potato fries, and last but not least CALORIC DRINKS FROM STARBUCKS BECAUSE THEY ARE YUMMY AND IT'S OK TO DRINK CALORIES SOMETIMES.

So. Food is the physical reason I'm here and some war fighting and victory has been happening.

I also will never get over the fact that I want to do triathlons as a SPORT. If I'm being honest with you, I was always confused why some of my friends did triathlons because they were already 'skinny' and didn't need to lose anymore weight. So, why do a sport that just burns calories? 

OH MEG.

For the first time I am seeing their perspective. I get glimpses when I am doing a hard workout that I am not simply doing this to burn calories anymore, but because I enjoy the rush I get; the adrenaline; the satisfaction of seeing my body overcome so many things.

Getting to fall in love with running and cycling again is a beautiful, redeeming experience that I'll never be able to communicate that I appreciate. 

Like getting the confidence to buy the shorts Ed told me for 2 years I couldn't buy because my thighs touch and the shorts are tight. But. NO. HECKYES.

*In group we give this one therapist a hard time because she does 'hard left turns' meaning she changes topics quickly; so in Terri form I am taking one of those.*

1) What do you fear?

2) Where does your pride lie?

1) shame and judgement 

2) my athletic numbers

Church on Sunday ended with those two questions. Little did I know God had bigger plans that just Sunday at Highpoint with those questions.

Of-course on Monday (yes 24 hours after that) Kelley and I talk about the perceived expectations I have of myself from others via running, and the topic of shame and why I feel that towards specific things in my life.  

I have such a huge self-critic part that I am learning more about and that needs a separate home regarding all of this. So much of my beliefs, I am learning, stems from what OTHER PEOPLE either have given me the reason to perceive myself, I have given myself the reason to judge me, or simply taught me 'beliefs' with no valid explanation. Other people seemed to be the driving force of the conversation; I am learning I don't really know why I believe some of my core beliefs, and getting to figure them out and re-wire my brain physically, emotionally, and spiritually is a pretty tough but empowering process.

Getting to fight the fear with Light is a draining, raw, messy, but fulfilling, restful, redeeming part of Fairhaven that I never would've done.

No shame will be found in the fact that I walk Nadia while eating my various breakfast foods

So. Though I'm here for a little while longer; Jenni won't be. My sadness is overwhelming but my happiness for her life transition is hopeful. So. Her leaving made me ponder and revisit the Meg that walked in the doors of Fairhaven 8 weeks ago. To look at her, feel sad for her, learn from her, and never go back to her again. To never forget the Meg that was so that I can always be thankful for the Meg that I am becoming.

To look at the progress Fairhaven has given me, cry tears of thankfulness, scream shouts of joy-filling freedom, and await the coming weeks' lessons.