Being the 1 in 5

Something's been stirring inside of me that I haven't quite had the words to put to 'paper' so to speak-but I'm going to try. I keep up with eating disorder instagram/facebook/pinterest accounts actively and one common theme is diets, and how damaging they are to talk about and do.
Here's a statistic: 1 in FIVE people struggle with a mental illness. I am that 1 in five. Specifically 30 million struggle with an eating disorder. So, when you're standing in a circle talking about the 'last 10 pounds' you want to lose, or that latest 'low carb/low fat/keto' (low FUN) diet, we as ED sufferers are desiring to run from the room. Every time someone talks about the latest diet they are on, I used to want to scream, however now I want to just hug them and tell them how accepted they are for who they are at that moment. I'm not saying no to weight loss, but I am saying that fad diets are not the way to do it, to self-punish, to deprive oneself of life.

So, here's a pro-tip for all the females (and males) out there dieting. Ok cool, do your thing, but I say in the nicest way- I truly could care less. When I don't compliment how you look, how good you're doing, or seem interested, it's not you I'm not interested in, it's your actions; it's protecting my recovery with everything in me. It's trying to communicate that you are worth far more than that new number on your pants/shirt/scale. Recovery wins for me are changing the topic, or just completely walking away from said conversations.

The diet industry is one that has infiltrated our culture telling us that quick fixes are the way, that everyone needs to 'try this!' or 'wrap that!' to find happiness. I am here to say that happiness should *NEVER* comes from the size of your body. I'm sure most everyone would agree with that too. But do you fully believe it? How do you feel when you look in the mirror? How do you feel in public when you compare yourself? What about seeing a picture someone tagged you in that you don't look your 'best' in? Do you want to untag yourself? The diet industry has come to tell us there is one way to look right and feel right and I for one am tired of it.

To my friends that were/are/will be on diets: I love you at this moment. I love you for your smile, your jokes, your fun shoes, your words of wisdom, your encouragement to my life, for being my 'people'; for a plethora of other things than your size. When I think of my best friends I think of their best attributes-not their pants size. So my dear friends, please don't take this personally, but take it as a 'how I can help my 1 in five friends' of what is helpful for us. I know I am not your only 1 in 5 friend because you know more than 5 people-so this blog is to hopefully help you become more cognizant of your words and actions and how your 'oh did you see so-and-so? They look so good!' talk can harm more than help.

I have learned over the last 3 years that I am worth far more than weighting 'X' pounds, and I wish the rest of the world could learn this fact too.

One more fun fact: 42% of 1st-3rd graders want to be skinnier-so yes these 2nd/3rd graders I am teaching, I have the privilege to positively impact them for the rest of their life potentially. I want to have the heart to love these kids unconditionally. To be able to be there for them; to live life with them. I have the honor of doing a class kids either love or dread (PE). I want to show those scared little girls that we females can have fun doing 'boy things' too! I want to show-up for these sweet kiddos and be their cheerleader every single day. I hope by the end of the year these sweet girls can pursue being strong vs. skinny. I want them to know love and be loved dearly by their Creator. I know I can't outright tell them about Jesus but I sure plan to love them like so.

Ok...I think my rant is over. I have been desiring to address this topic for quite some time now, and I guess I just got up the gumption to do so. I also want to make sure my friends know that I love and cherish your friendship even when unhelpful topics come up. I've learned to cope thank you Fairhaven, but I couldn't not share mine and all eating disorder sufferers hearts on this matter.

Life change is comin' for me

I've dropped off the face of the Earth in blog world because quite honestly nothing exciting has been happening. Since quitting Fleet Feet, I had a prior obligation through the end of May (and sports camp in June!), but it was only part of the day, so ultimately I have had a lot of time to do school, and what not.
I have some really fun and exciting news. I will be assistant teaching PE at Northside Elementary School in Clinton, MS. I LIVE on the road of the dang school so this couldn't be more perfect.
It is SUCH a God thing of how it happened. Long story short I had a job opportunity with another wonderful company. I had the contract in my e-mail when Mandy Ambrose, the principal, called me, questioned me, and offered me a job! I said THE most unprofessional thing I could've said, "Let me call my dad!" HAH. But we decided this is the place for me for the time being. I am excited to be joining the Northside family August 1st!
I am TERRIFIED because I will be going to teaching school full time and taking night classes for grad school. Me and that much business has a tendency to not do so hot but, this time will be different. This time I know myself more than I ever have before; this time I have plans in place for when I get overwhelmed. This time I have coping skills, and more Christ-centered friends to pray me through, encourage me, and call me out when needed. This time I will succeed..God-willing.

SO PUMPED!

Class is going well. I am LOVING writing/reading about things I am passionate about like mental illness, how it impacts 'normal' people, and how I can use my personal experiences to impact my future clients. So far my grades are showing my passion, and I hope to keep it up! (I also currently have plenty of time to study so I better make good grades haha) I am taking theories, and 'helping people' which is basically where I learn how therapists 'do their thing' of helping you encounter tough emotions and how to work through them thorough various techniques.

long-time bestie who can now help me in counseling classes! 

One thing the Lord has been using in my life in a huge way are the kiddos I teach Sunday mornings. The Lord led me to a revelation. Ya see...I struggle with pride. I love that my personality is a lot; I own it. I like my energy, I like that because of it everyone knows who I am, I love being 'known' in public, I love being on stage Sunday's, I love people complimenting my accomplishments; I find my worth in how 'known' I am *I realize this is not the right mentality*. Ya see..I still struggle with my eating disorder..ya see I am doing all the things everyone has told me to do. I left my favorite place on Earth, Fleet Feet, I distanced myself from running culture, I ask for help from my friends, I create a relapse prevention plan, my mood is gaining more and more stability; I essentially *should* be 'cured' (terrible wordage)...but I'm not. Why? Why does this still happen? Well...I can't have that much pride in myself while I still struggle with behaviors; it reminds me I am human and struggle day-to-day. It's time to get honest with myself and my treatment team. Until I start to find my worth ONLY in the Lord and all He has spoken over me, I think my progress will be to a minimum because I am too prideful to admit my deep flaw, but it's time to practice what I teach these precious kiddos. Getting to lead and impact so many tiny humans changes my life every week in the hardest and best way possible. So...here's to humbling myself to the cross and starting to fully believe that Jesus is IT..He is enough..He is my pride..not my accomplishments.

I love getting support these little people.

Family (plus Meg) Popsicle dates are the bomb.com

So..life is about to pick up a bit. I have one more week of solitude and I plan to spend it with friends, with Jesus, with my bike and the road, and myself to mentally prepare for the upcoming semester. So..there's the reader's digest version of my summer and what's to come :) 

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Schooling and life ponderings filled blog

Last time I blogged I was 25, so now you get even wiser words from a 26 year old Meg!
Exciting, fun, and revelation filled things are comin'.

1) I GOT ACCEPTED INTO GRAD SCHOOL!
What? Mental Health Counseling
When? I start this summer; May 29th
Where? Mississippi College
Why? When I realized I needed to go back to school my mind instantaneously went to being a therapist; it's what *everyone* told/tells me to do. First off, I HATE doing what everyone tells me to do. But it usually ends up being the right decision *eye roll*. Anyways, in a state of Self, I realized that I DO want to help people. I mean...I'm wearing the T-shirt-I get it. The last 3 years has taught me a lifetime about mental illness being in various group therapy treatment settings. I have received and receive such great help that I want to be able to be that for others' struggling/seeking recovery.
Feelings? I am nervous as heck to start classes for mental health counseling while still trying to seek recovery myself, but am confident in my decision to go back. I am scared I'll fall, but am determined to give it my best go. I am excited to go back to school to learn more about something I am so passionate about. I am ready to start this next chapter of life mostly!
What about FF? Part time life yo. It's the new full time.

Trace drives are the best way to center for the day

2) I encountered a pretty cool bible story that I directly relate to *shocking*. Let's look at John 9; it's the story of when Jesus heals a man born blind.
So..someone questioned why that happened (him being born blind). Jesus says, "This happened so the power of God could be seen in Him. We must quickly carry out the tasks assigned us by the One who sent us."- V. 3-4.
The story doesn't end there though. "He made mud with saliva and spread the mud over the blind man's eyes. He told him, 'Go wash yourself in the pool of Siloam'. So the man went and washed and came back seeing!"- V. 6-7.
WHOA! So...where do I currently stand? I am in the depths of v's 3-4. I question why the last few years has played out like it has. Why does mental illness exist? It's quite honestly beyond frustrating to have something 'wrong' that no one can see. I have been flustered by that fact lately. But...THIS is why. I am assigned the task to be an activist for those who aren't; I am to experience the power of God through it all. I am to experience daily mini miracles where I say to myself 'only God let me respond vs. react to 'X' situation.' Something to cling onto when life is in disarray.
Will my story end the same way the man's does? I'm not sure. It feels impossible, however I know our God is the God of the impossible. I also know that Paul had a thorn in his flesh that continually humbled him (of which my disorders do daily) so..who know's. I do know healing will come; either on this Earth or when in the presence of Jesus.

Thankful for friends to spontaneously go to waffle house at 2:30 am with!

So.. that's life. Run..work..work on being the best Meg I can be..eat..sleep.
Oh..next blog will be a race recap of FUU (Fondern Urban Ultra). I've been 'training' for this 12 hour endurance race April 14th. Pretty stoked, nervous, and anticipating what we in endurance sport world call the 'pain cave'. #miseryenjoyscompany So, stay tuned.

confidently praying through the rocks

Well. A year ago or so I wrote a blog about Acts 27. It talks about this harbor called 'Fair Havens'.
How fitting right?
Basically Paul is going to Rome, a storm hits, they are told to stay in Crete, but they journey on anyways. The storm rages on and they start to take refuge at Fair Havens, but it's too exposed. Anyways they continue on, and the storm is raging and v.29 says all hope is lost. BUT God promises that no one will die despite the ship going down. So, God will be gracious to save their lives, but because they disobeyed they still had to face the consequences-they were gonna be shipwrecked. So, the bible finishes the chapter by detailing the shipwreck, but, they all survived!

OK, so how does a shipwrecking apply to my current stage of life?
I lived the gale-force winds battering the ship. I had lost all hope. I shouldn't of left Fairhaven the first time, but I did anyways. The story doesn't end there thankfully. God was merciful to keep me going, and send me back to finish the work we started.
BUT...they still ran into rocks, leading to ship wrecking. I think I'm running into the rocks.
The people had a promise that God wouldn't forsake them, but they still had the fall.
I have a promise from God that all will never be lost, but the struggle still continues.
I am thankful for my friends to provide me with support when the waves surround my ship. I am thankful to have biblical truths to fall into when I run into another rock. I have a work place to distract me (sometimes) from when I have to cut the anchors and leap out in faith to cope with life.

thankful to be in this girls circle, and her in mine.

Another realization that correlates to the above paragraphs is one (thanks to Pinelake) that is the difference in life and death.
Here are the two options:
1) Sin- guilt- confession- forgiveness- LIFE.
2) Sin- enemy- shame- condemnation- negative self talk- DEATH.

Lately I've been living towards death. I've had negative self-talk; shame; let the enemy run with sin. But. No. Forgiveness is the key to life.
Lately I've been doubting God's power; doubting His ability to HEAL. I am praying for my heart to have the faith in God that moves mountains; that can heal my body. I've never pondered (til now) praying with confidence to God about healing from Ed/anxiety. It's a prayer that scares me; makes me feel awkward. How can I pray about that one? Having these things isn't even a sin so how do I go about praying for this whole shin dig? I don't know the answers but I do know Jesus wants freedom for my life, so somehow those have  to correlate and end my story with freedom in His name.

I saw a movie The Greatest Showman. The last time I saw a movie was when I was at Fairhaven round ONE. *I don't like movies* But Renee' kept telling me how great it was, so I gave it a shot.
ZOMG EVERYONE NEEDS TO SEE IT!! One line that stuck with me is, "Don't you wanna get away from the same old part you gotta play." I am trying to see 'The Other Side' (song from the movie). I want to get away from the monotonous parts of life. I want to experience continual freedom, new risks, spontaneity, big life change, adventure; things that I could only do as a single 26 year old gal.
So, we start small. Investing in fun filled things like a new hair color and expensive mascara. It's the small things that lead to the big things; why not? Lots of potential big things are in the works; it scares me but someone once told me if your dreams don't scare you then you aren't dreaming big enough...I'm sure dreaming big these days.
Stay tuned.

Turning tables

Some pretty big life events have been happening.
I have had this reoccurring nightmare for quite sometime. It goes with me everywhere; crippling fear comes into play. Instead of me telling you the actual dream, I want to share the underlying parts of it. It's me rejecting something; running away from something; fear surrounding it all; finishing stories before they happen.
I've learned that your dreams are entities of you. So, Susan and I were talking about what I am running from that scares the hell out of me and it all clicked; my future. I know it's coming for me; it's constantly on my mind, and is something that is inevitable (obviously).
SO. I started pondering it; narrowing my options down. I had some ideas and threw them out, added another idea. This scares me but excites me because I know my life is heading in the right direction. I had to pause my entire life for 2 years for this whole shin-dig, but I *think* I'm coming back into the light; able to take on more tasks at hand. I am getting to dream about my future life-the life more than 2 months ahead of me. What DO I want to do when I 'grow up'? I know that no matter what, my future is bright because I know God is going before me on it all; preparing my heart for what's to come, and guiding my steps to do what is best ultimately to bring glory to His name and renown.
I have some future plans in the making that I can't WAIT to share- hopefully soon!

My 'safe place' forever: a specific strip on the Rez.

So, I am in the process of discipling a girl. We are reading through a book called 20 Basics Every Christian Should Know. It's basically questions like: who is God, what is the trinity, what is election, what is justification/sanctification...stuff like that.
The point of all of this is for me to teach her things; to invest in her spirituality; to pour out what was poured into me (shout out to Lindy). I am quickly learning quite the opposite is happening. As she learns and ask questions, it refreshes within me the awe-striking reality of what Christ accomplished for me.
I am relearning what God means in my life as a single, recovery minded, almost 26 year old girl. I am redefining my faith. Last time I looked at this book I was a new Christian, 15 years old. 11 years of life has happened between now and then that has shaped me to be the person I am today. Life has shown me that God is still faithful; His goodness hasn't changed, but my perception of some of His attributes have been enriched, deepened, and molded to fit Meg. I am in a place to dig into myself to see what I truly believe, and what I don't. It is a twisty, curvy, sometimes confusing route day-to-day, but is one that is needed, and will strengthen me all the more at the end of it all.

Blues marathon cheer tent!

Blue marathon was last weekend. And what an emotional based race that one holds for me.
2014: my first marathon.
2015: my friends first marathon that I paced her for.
2016: the culmination of sick Meg. I couldn't function enough to even go run with one of my dear friends. It was one of my worst days through it all.
2017: I was in Memphis.
Which brings us to...
2018: I worked the expo Friday-almost a 12 hour day. Woke up race day to 'work' the cheer tent all morning/afternoon.
It as crazy to reminisce over the vast difference of 2014 to 2016 Meg. Both Meg's were sick. Not that 2018 Meg isn't, but she's able to handle a 12 hour day. She's able to 'adult' if you will, all the while working on herself in the midst of it all.
It was a pretty redeeming experience to be out there with all my friends, having a good ole' time, not worrying about if I would be ok the next moment.

So. Life is going. It has more ups and downs than I fathomed having 4 months out of Fairhaven, but I've come to grips that no matter what I'm still working recovery; working bettering myself as a human day in and day out, and that is what matters.

Take the jump

"Hope when you take that jump you won't feel the fall. 

Hope when the waters rise that you'll build a wall."

I want to stand to disagree with those lyrics. 

I want to say that feeling the fall is vital to human life. It's the breeding ground for creativity; for vulnerability; which leads to connection; which is a key component to human life.

It's what makes the journey to the bottom and the journey to the top worthwhile. However it's not all rainbows and sunflowers. It's sometimes painful; filled with uncomfortable moments; moments of showing up for yourself; times of letting go of shame; getting curious with your inner 'parts'; letting go of people who aren't willing to jump with you; ultimately it's embracing the vulnerability to obtain the beautiful life that you once had/were searching for.

Thankful for my people who jumped alongside me

This obviously relates to my current life state. I fell; hard. I took the jump, felt the fall, and am now 'rising strong'. (Brene' Brown writes a whole book about it. Look her up!)

I keep reminding myself to never forget when I 'dared greatly' (another Brene' Brown book); to remember that I CAN have the hard conversations; I CAN show up for myself; I WILL feel the fall but will keep fighting.

It's such an experience to 'jump' alongside friends. To be apart of their questions, actions, thoughts, emotions; all the things that embody taking the jump. 

Short and sweet blog that came to me that I had to share. 

Hope you can feel the fall to rise strong; to embrace continually transforming your life to live it to the fullest no matter the length of the jump. 

Adore

HELLO 2018!

What a year it's been. I could sit here and write novels of reflecting that majority of this year was spent in Cordova, TN in treatment. I could sit here and write of the depths of darkness and the highs of light that were all encountered. I could write myriads of reasons of why I am thankful for treatment, yet for leaving simultaneously. I WILL write however, how one 2018 goal is to not hit my deductible LOLOLOL (treatment ain't cheap y'all!)

While all of the above things are true, I want to look ahead. To be able to momentarily look back, while continually living in the moment to celebrate God's grace showering over me.

I don't really do the 'resolution' thing because that ultimately sets me up for failure. By nature, I am wired to seek the 'next thing'. Having me do ONE think for 12 months is unobtainable.

Keating, my friend, proclaimed on Facebook her 'word' for 2018 (sanctuary) and asked what ours is. I decided to ponder it, and kept coming back to adore. So-that's the word.

adoration that my body is capable enough to run TWENTY miles.

So, I want to take the year to marvel; to have complete adoration over my progress of seeking recovery; over my wellness; over the redemption that will happen this year. 

I want to adore the Cross; what Jesus accomplished for me and what that practically means for my daily life-for my fight. 

I will adore being back in Jackson; seeking recovery (no matter how strong or weak); my friends for being on my team. 

I will continually adore what my body is capable of; how resilient it is.

I will adore drinking lattes.

I adore Fairhaven, yet adore that I am not there anymore because progress happened and is happening.

I've been listening to this song and the chorus is: 

"Oh come all ye faithful, bow before our Savior. Come let us adore, the One who came for us. Glory in the Highest, praise the name of Jesus. Our King has come."