Like a small boat in the ocean

This sure has become my fight song year.
My beautiful or beautiful disaster choosing time.
Change is circumstance, because nothing ever comes without a change year.
The 'Can't write my story, I'm beyond the archetype' mantra for each day.

One year ago we started making 'slow' slightly-life altering changes to my brain, chemically speaking.  Fast forward to now.  The 'rather fast' majorly- life altering changes to my brain, chemically speaking, are hindering the life I live now.  I love life; I love my roommate, Fleet Feet, coaching, teaching kiddos at Pinelake; becoming a mid-20's alongside others', and doing life with a plethora of y'all along the way.

I am currently like a car stuck in the mud.  The harder I/we try, the deeper down the tires go; the tougher it gets to come out.  When I spin the wheels more, the mud splatters all over, and the whole car goes deeper into the hole.  The way to get out is to SELAH (pause), and approach the car as a whole, not just the tires that are stuck.

This journey has escalated more than it ever should of.  Thanks to Susan/Dad/Dawn we have made some decisions to figure this out. There's not a way to secretly leave or subtly go into this. 

My favorite color flowers, with glitter; thanks to Keating for making hard work days not as rough!

I am going to an inpatient/residential treatment center for 6-8 weeks to live there, and figure out what is and isn't going on in my brain.  I am currently on the 'waiting' list for where seems best, and are working with my doctors to get me to a point to be deemed 'appropriate' for it all. I will leave everything planned; stop life.  Getting to reach this point is no fun, but realizing it is the difference. I will come back and continue on at FF (duh) and pick up coaching again.  I will come back ready to pour out because I myself will be stable enough to.

There's lot to say.  Lots of questions.  Lots of unknown.  Lots of worry.

So, here's a few tips/what/how-to's:

1) Pray for supernatural peace for my family, wisdom for my doctors, strength for all of us.  Pray that in my rapid lows I trust He is good-always..

2) Remember this whole shindig is a disease; a chronic disease.  I'm coming to grips with just that 'simple' fact.  Learning to accept, and how to manage it all.  Realizing this is a 'fault' of no one; nothing to be ashamed of; simply feeling my way through the realms of life.

3) Remember I am going to be away and life here will keep going, so I gotta be updated on what is happening here.  I'll be allowed snail mail so write away! I am not a 'presents' person but can go for some scratch paper and a hand-written letter on it.  Hello I need to be up to speed on the saga's and drama and who did what when I come back!!  Ok, but really, just know I want to know about you; to not feel bad about telling me your life-I want to know.
4) Know that I am going to be missing it here extremely, but know this is the best decision for me.  Know that it makes me sad/upset/all of the above as it does you.  I just feel everything differently at this point.

man I love coaching -I hope my friends at CC will be into sports! 

There's lots to say and lots to process.  But I know I'm not alone in this one.  I appreciate all the positive thoughts, and can tell you this fight is a big one.  Know I am fighting hard- always, but also know the 2 things I am up against are fighting me back equally as hard.

It's time to get more armor and more ammo!  That means going to the store.  But not the store down the road; to get ready for big battles you go to the best available place.  That's what's happening, and we are making preparations for this journey!

Peace out.  (Ok let's be honest another blog with come soon-ish I'm sure)

Patiently waiting.

September 2015: I wrote a blog titled 'Wake me up when September ends' basically saying that I couldn't believe it was race month for IMCHATT and that I was nervous but ready.

September 2016: I am writing a blog in awe that I just got back from New York; that I am confident enough to write custom training plans; that USAT is going to trust me enough to be a Level 1 coach.
It was everything I wanted it to be and more.  I could sit here and nerd out about what we learned.  Instead, I want to exclaim how weak I am and how strong the Spirit that is dwelling in me is.  I figured when I got back I would write a whole blog about how wonderful NY was; how great the clinic was. I also figured when I got back I wouldn't be changing the path of my life.

I liked the way these buildings looked so had to snap a picture.

Small recap:
October 2015.  That is when my 'road map' took a new turn.  I 'came out' to a few close friends and told them I had an eating disorder; this is when I started seeing Susan.
February 2016: every med was tragically failing and I start a 3 month process of being at Three Oaks.

September 2016: We decide to start a new process of meds because my mood disorder is on the bipolar spectrum.  *I think I cringe every time I say that because I still can't believe it*.
I still get antsy writing all of this, but I want to be able to look back to see how life has panned out, and how thankful I am for where I AM vs. where I *was*.

What does this mean for now?
It means everything I am taking now will change course.  It means the next few months are going to be tough.  It means I am going to rely hard core on my friends; #mytribe.  I love that I can text my work family, Tri family, church family, and they are nothing but supportive and on my team.
I'm not here to tell you 'God is teaching me x,y,z' and have a cute answer; I am not here to tell you about how awesome my faith is in this time of life. I'm here to tell you it's dang scary knowing my sanity lies in the hands of some pills.  I am here to tell you that my brain still isn't balanced and this is why I skip out on parts of life.  Some weeks I struggle getting out of bed; some weeks I decide sleep isn't needed.  Some moments I am ready to just do something crazy like move to Peru again; some moments I am ready to quit this process because it's hard.  Everyday is different.  It's always been this way but I thought everyone had this intense of emotions and I just didn't know how to deal with them (HA!)
I am entering a world of unknown and my ultimate word is how SCARY it all is.
God is bigger than fear; I am somehow not fearful of what the future holds but am scared of how I will get there; the journey I know is going to be very tough.

I found this trail and it led to the BOTTOM OF THE HUDSON RIVER!!

I am patiently waiting on so many things in so many realms.

I DIDN'T EVEN PRAY FOR PATIENCE ;) 

Christian jokes are fun.  You know, they always say 'don't pray for patience' because God will give you the situation to practice it. (ha ha ha)
Honestly, I don't think any of this is 'God's fault'.  I think that because of sin entering the world we have stuff life this; we aren't perfect people anymore and so stuff like diabetes and bipolar and cancer happens.  It's not directed towards me; it's directed towards the human race as a whole.  Romans 5 is great because it talks about how our hope, our love, our faith is in Christ.  It also talks about how sin started with Adam and Eve, and because sin entered through them, it spreads to all the world because all have sinned.  And because of that, death spreads to all the world.  So, bipolar; eating disorders; sickness; death are NOT A sin, but it's BECAUSE of Sin as a whole.
There's my rant about how my ED/Bipolar isn't my fault and never will be.  I'm thankful to know it. 1/2 way needed to say that to some friends and 1/2 way to say that to myself.

Reppin' the Mississippi Blues Marathon!

So: what can you do?
-Just don't leave.  Friends to talk through moments of life, help me process, and feel stable enough to pour out at work are how I function
-Pray for me if that's your thing.  Pray that in EVERY moment I seek His face; that I rest in that my strength for each day lies in His hands; that I only trust Him all the more through this process.
-Know that when I zone out/disappear that it's nothing you did; it's how I tend to react when things are going array in my brain.
-Encourage me.  I love people; I love spending time with people; I am usually coined 'the encourager coach' because I myself love being encouraged.  I love happy words.
-Know it's ok to ask questions; related to the craziness and also LIFE!  Like how church is going; how my family is; how my roommate is; running.  Life is still happening and for that I am thankful.
 
I am thankful for my church family to be with me this round.  Between October 2015 and September 2016 I got plugged in two ways: I am in a small group, and help lead kids church Sunday's.  These two things make Sunday's my favorite day of the week.  I get to pour into kids and simultaneously be poured into; that in of it self is such a cool experience.

I love seeing Pinelake life happen from this view.

So.  Here we go.  Round 2.  I wasn't expecting this to happen but: it's how the cookie crumbles, and who doesn't like cookies?!