Modern-day miracles alongside meds in Memphis for Meg

*I hope you appreciated my alliteration for the title*
The weeks are starting to blend together.  5 weeks done.  5 weeks of battling my own version of hell; figuring out the hotter parts, how to steer away, and how to handle them in the inevitable times to cross paths with it.  Not necessarily getting rid of it with water, but handling the various degrees with sun screen, proper clothing and visors.

My newfound run buddy and I!

One of the 484392857 topics we process though is about what 'society' deems 'normal'. We do some work about what our 'Self' wants for us despite pre-conceived notions.  That we have different 'parts' that want different things, but there is 'Self' amidst it all.  I keep going back to that I want to be a 'teacher of passions' and 'an advocate for voices who can't/won't'. Quite honestly, the longer I am here, the more I realize that life when I get home is going to hit hard. I will jump back into the run culture of 'earning' certain food group calories. I will be challenged with 'good' foods and 'bad' foods despite my eating chocolate covered raisins happiness here. I will hear about peoples' weight loss successes, hear numbers that are triggering, and yet be back on the best staff on planet Earth that I miss dearly.  I LOVE our running community, but am learning much of what we 'practice' might not be pro-recovery. That's a tough one to type. Let's also not forget I assume I'll be home sometime in the *hopefully* beginning of 2017-HELLO WEIGHT LOSS CUZ IT'S NEW YEAR. So then we will have the 'X' number of calorie diets swirling around like leaves in Memphis on a crisp, fall day.
If I could scream from the mountain tops how many calories I have previously 'survived' off of, what I thought was normal, and what I eat now; each time the number has more than DOUBLED. Yeah. That's a fun pill to swallow. Diet is a word that will never enter the Meg realm again-and in our society that isn't exactly ''normal" for anyone over a size 2. But alas, I want to teach my newfound discovery of all food is equal, and scream it for those who won't.

Delicious yogurt bowls like this aren't in eating disorder hell, but only found in the deep water filled, recovery abyss.

Something I have had on my mind for a while now is how the heck to balance that I have been a Christ-follower amidst all of this. I know if I would've died neck-deep in my eating disorder that my salvation was and IS secure in Him.

I feel like lots of Christians feel 'ok' with saying, "I have had seasons of struggling with depression/anxiety/etc. when 'X' happened...but I prayed about it and realized I wasn't giving over 'X' to God, and wow it's so much better now." (I'm NOT discounting those experiences by any means!) But, then proceed to tell me books that will help me get closer to God because that HAS to be the issue, certain prayers to pray, what they did, bible verses, identity crisis help, etc.

What about those that are born with brain chemicals out of your control?
What if you can't help that some days you want to jump out of your skin from being so manic, to 2 days later struggling to get out of bed?
What if your season of struggling is my everyday?
What if you were told that you have a disease in your brain that some people don't believe in, that isn't curable, but is something that you have to learn to manage?
What about the fact that prayer plus doctors is hunky dory for my gallbladder help, but when it comes to my brain- not so much?
WHAT IF my Jesus experience involves relying on Him to show me what to DO to get better?

Getting to encounter God during my runs in my favorite part of the day.

I am here to say that I believe in miracles; modern-day miracles.  I believe that God so perfectly gave doctors the brains and tools to figure out HOW to make medicine to help my brain be balanced to function to the best ability my brain can.
THAT my dear friends is a miracle; not necessarily never taking another psychiatric med again, but having enough self-love to know that I DESERVE modern medicine for when I get walking pneumonia AND for when I have a panic attack and need help. To believe that God is still Sovereign over brain chemicals BY PROVIDING doctors to design things to help me manage my fallen nature.

We do apartment life, Fairhaven life, and social life!

This intensive week of therapy ended on such a happy note.  Fairhaven celebrated Thanksgiving during Friday lunch.  It was such a special moment getting to sit around a table with the people who are fighting with me everyday; that I am fighting alongside.  Getting to sit with the therapists and recovery staff who are apart of our successes, tough days, laughter, tears, and everything else. Having the freedom to know judgement isn't happening and no one will make any comments about food, size, or post-meal guilt (ok we process through that one).
One-in-a-million experience.

My friends and I also had a 'Cheesecake challenge' night. It was fun-filled!

I cannot wait for my next blog because I will be writing it from the glorious city of CLINTON, MS!!
Thanksgiving is coming and it will be filled with Fleet Feet family Turkey Day 8k, cabin time in the woods, running friends, Ridgeland trails, NOLA trip, Pinelake family, and anything else that might come up. It's going to be glorious.

'Til then. Know that it's going. Know that the days are getting more intense; that my days are finding more and more freedom with every small battle we encounter. Know that I appreciate all the wonderful letters I write. That I might take a few weeks to write back because my brain is so mentally exhausted from group therapy. So, thank you thank you thank you my tribe. Thank you for encouraging me all the way here, and for when I come back down. It's valued more than words can express.

Wastelanded locusts'-WEEK 4 Y'ALL

Well..I can't believe I am typing that I have been here 4 weeks.  One moment it feels like it's been 4 days, yet sometimes 4 months from all that I've gained.  I have had some wonderful weekends filled with people my heart is always elated to see.

Olivia and her clan is a great mix of fun and chill. (fun from that cutie in front, and chill from the adults--HAH!)

Lindy, Dae, Porter, David.  Lindy is the 'Paul' to my Timothy heart; teaching me Jesus and bible since I was 15.  Though we don't 'disciple' anymore, I am endlessly thankful for the beautiful relationship formed.

Lily, Dawn, and Dad came to see me and we ziplined and ropes coursed it up Saturday afternoon!

One thing that I could NOT wait to blog about is how Joel is SUCH a great picture of recovery.
Lemme tell you a story.  Stick with me because I promise it relates to where I'm at in a few paragraphs!
Joel 1-2:11 is a treacherous time about how awful the land of Judah was.  Locusts invade; it was a ginormous ordeal; makes me think of the 10 plagues- simultaneously.  There was earthquakes, gruesome descriptions of the locusts/ the destruction they caused, fires, darkness;
FEAR gripped all people.

But.  God. 


In 2:12 the story starts to turn around.  He talks about the deliverance that will happen.  Driving the locust armies away; only when the people of Judah come to him with broken hearts that provision happens -with GREAT rejoicing!
THEN.
V. 2:25: "The LORD says, "I will give you back what you lost to the swarming locusts, the hopping locusts, the stripping locusts, and the cutting locusts.  It was I who sent this great destroying army against you."
WOW! HE WILL GIVE BACK WHAT I LOST TO THE LOCUSTS.
But wait.  There's more.
V. 3:18-19 says, "...Water will fill the stream beds of Judah..But Egypt will become a wasteland and Edom will become a wilderness..."
WOW.  NOT ONLY WILL JUDAH COME BACK BUT EGYPT WILL BE WASTELAND!

The locusts' surely don't eat delicious things like this in Egypt.

Let me explain.
~The locusts are my eating disorder.
~Egypt is old Meg.
~Judah is my heart.
There is a terrible story I tend to leave out of this whole recovery process; making the beautiful story of redeemed recovery all the less miraculous.  Let me never skip over the month leading to here; the all hell breaking loose and coming to the place of true brokenness. I am learning to not forget the depravity and bound heart that once was, to see what God is doing to loosen the chains of gripping fear, all the while accepting that the destroying locust armies indeed served a purpose.
However, it's time for the locusts' to be taken to war; sent to the wastelands.  It's not that Egypt is expected to disappear off the map, but becomes a part that no longer has impact on Judah.
THUS it's not like I am asking ed to magically disappear, but I AM telling him where he belongs- not able to impact my heart.
God will and is restoring me by watering the streams of my heart; being a refuge, fortress; never again disgracing my 'Self' with locusts.

CAN WE PLEASE TALK ABOUT HOW THIS RELATES TO EXODUS 14 FROM LAST WEEK AND Y'ALL I CAN'T GET OVER IT.

My friends and I do fun things. Like Sasha (my roomie) and I getting delicious Pyro's. 

So.  That's my 'what I am learning'.
Otherwise Cordova itself is great.  I am loving learning alongside all my group friends; doing fun outings like custard, Old Navy shopping, pizza, grocery outings, movies.  Group itself is becoming more intense each week; delving into psychodrama, different therapy coping skills, figuring out who ed was to me, all the rules ed has for me, and screwing them up by breaking them!!  Raising my med's to try to get my brain to a more stable place is going well because we are actually doing it one at a time; slowly-WOW.  Some days are tougher than others, I get exhausted from a lot of it.  I miss Jackson more than words can express.  I love and appreciate my friends-the amount of love and support is truly incredible and makes my fight all the stronger.
I am thankful for this place; I could scream from the mountain tops of my thankfulness for each person at Fairhaven for being such a version of compassion I have never seen. For being apart of the life saving/life changing/life giving experience of continually finding true recovery.

Defeating my Egyptians is no small task.

Week 3. DONE. It feels surreal to even say.
I usually like to wait until Saturday to blog, but DAD is coming up so I'm sure I would have lots of happy things to say and steer away from the depth of what I am learning-so I blogged a day early.

There is SO much learning going on.  Struggling. Enduring. Tears. Laughs. Fears. Successes. I won't ever say failures because being here within itself is nothing short of failure.
I am learning about core beliefs and how skewed mine are.  I am learning the value of good food; that the new numbers I am consuming is fuel.  I'm learning that 100 calories isn't a big deal.  I am accepting the vitality that Fairhaven is truly saving my life.  I am accepting that diagnoses aren't an I AM statement but an I HAVE one.  That I have a fabulous job family; I have bipolar; I have 2 arms; I have pretty hair.  You know. Throw it all in.

Art therapy is the JAM! This is a snow storm; a great depiction of where I am at with life.  Snow can be beautifully calm, yet rage filled, destroying everything in its' path; never without hope because of the Son.

I had to choose a phrase or quote to go back to for when I'm struggling; when I want to give up.
I wanted to think of the 'perfect' phrase; the 'something' that everyone will love and accept.  But, I kept thinking of this one particular verse; "I didn't want to use THIS one-there HAS to be something better."  Exodus 14:14 just seemed silly-I mean gosh I just need to be still.
BUT surrounding v. 14 is the beauty of recovery.  The Lord is fighting for me yes, BUT is practically helping me seek life; finding the freedom to the other side of the water.  The Lord didn't let Moses lolly gag around-NO! He told Moses to ACT; to DO something to help the Israelite's. That the Egyptians would be GONE.  The Lord provided for them, and Moses ACTED on the provision.  THAT is how recovery works.  I am given Fairhaven; I am SO thankful for the provision and perfect timing for this place.  I am truly eternally grateful for my individual therapist Kelley, and my dietitian Jenni.  They get to help me find new life. They deal with all my questions, hesitancy, happy moments, intense moments, and everything in between. They challenge me, let me complain about how hard it is, but know they are altering the course of the rest of my life. And THEN I get to put into practice what I am given.

13 Moses answered the people, “Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the Lord will bring you today. The Egyptians you see today you will never see again. 14 The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still.”

15 Then the Lord said to Moses, “Why are you crying out to me? Tell the Israelite's to move on. 16 Raise your staff and stretch out your hand over the sea to divide the water so that the Israelite's can go through the sea on dry ground. 

Welcome to Fairhaven; we have fun dogs that enjoy each other's company just like their mama's!

So. This place is pretty stellar.  I am learning about how my bipolar and eating disorder go together. That the trauma of my attempting to deal with my lack of balanced brain was apart of the starting and culmination of my ED. That is was my mal-adaptive coping skill.  This is all honestly pretty surreal to 'blog' on-but I just don't want you to miss the vitality; the miracle in all of this.  That I never thought I'd be 'that girl'. It's surreal knowing so many people know I am 'getting help' for my brain- can I just state the obvious that it's kinda scary yet incredibly freeing! It's so helpful for me to blog through, but if you get to learn from it to then that is an ultimate win.  I love answering questions to help you process and understand more, but know it simultaneously helps me all the same.

Welcome to recovery. I get yummy breakfast like granola, apples, and PB in a yogurt bowl!

So. It's going. It's not stopping. I am learning more and experiencing more freedom than I ever dreamed possible for my life, my future, my brain, my runs. 
It's certainly no small task but is one We are taking on.