Thankful fun-filled times sprinkled with 'what's next?' (spoiler alert-don't expect much!)

If  you want to run faster, run with a faster runner: Newman.

If you need to run slower, run with a slower runner: me.

If you want to run far, run with a long distance runner: Jeff.

December 17th, Newman had his birthday 'party'. How did he celebrate? He ran his age (plus one): 31 miles (50k baby). Jeff, Newman, and I were the official trio.

Blood (Jeff), sweat (all), and tears (me) were also accomplished between the 3 of us haha!

~So what's next for me? Since spontaneously running St. Jude/31, my love and drive for distance was rekindled and instead of marathons, of course I want to go big.

~When? April 14th; a 12 hour race here in Jackson. AKA I get to sleep in my own bed and have all my friends and running buddies along for the ride. AKA no one cares how fast I go!!

~How am I training? To keep my recovery first, week day runs won't look like everyone else's (5-6 miles), 1 long run, 1 walk day, and 1/2 rest days.

No huge plan. Just gonna run some, walk some, realize that a lot of the sport is mental, so mentally prepare myself for the long day, and just see what my body can do!

Fellow ultra/run buddies

~How am I doing back in Jackson?

I am LOVING it. Even in the tough/struggling moments, I still am grateful for the opportunity to be back in my city; back with my tribe. From girls nights, to girl time with my best friends kiddo, there's so much to live with and for. 

Don't be mistaken that darkness still comes, but the reaction is different, and that's what counts.

I am about to switch to FULL TIME at work and could not be more thrilled. With every difficult fit where I just want to fall apart, but don't, I prove to myself over and over that I am ok; that this time is 'different'; that I don't have to go back.

~What's next?

Nothing. Between treatment round one and round two was 5 months; 5 months from what I thought was 'it', to complete meltdown again. So, before making any committed life plans, I am giving myself 6 months to simply be; to reaffirm in myself that I will continue to thrive where I'm at. I feel like that's a fair game right? Right. 

Because when Karen visits, old times are meant to happen.

Christmas 2017 was definitely my own marathon. 3 houses in 7 hours. #divoricetimestwoprobs It was fun-filled to see my siblings, parents, nieces, nephews, cousins, and even my long time discipler turned bestie, Lindy!

I survived, got some presents, gave some presents, and more importantly got to spend time with those that have journeyed life with me and me with them. 

MY SEEEEEESTER 

So. There's your Meg update. Striving to live everyday to the fullest. Living in such a blessing filled life. Living for a higher purpose all the days of my life. Living the struggle moments still, yet coming out of them.

In Your presence God, I'm completely satisfied. 

For You I sing, I dance. I rejoice in this Divine romance. 

Spontaneous redemption

So many things going on in my brain I don't know where to begin!

I have so many joy filled moments to counteract the darkness that sometimes happens in my brain. 

I have so many redeeming moments to counteract the moments that aren't my brightest shining ones. 

I have so many grace filled blessings to count that I can't even have a counteraction. 

So I decided to do a thing. I sorta kinda (TOTALLY) ran St. Jude FULL marathon. Whoops. 

~Lemme explain. What happened was I secretly signed up for the full way back when. I had all these hopes and dreams of the 'perfect' marathon; I wanted a certain time; I was 'ready' to redeem this distance. Well, time passes, training happens, and I realized in order to put recovery first I was going to have to give up full training; so I did. I decided within myself to drop down to the half. NOW. The half was technically sold out, but St. Jude told me I could just run the half and call it a day. 

~Fast forward to packet pickup. I receive all the full marathon stuff; the bib; the shirt; the info. I have a complete meltdown over that my hopes and dreams to redeem myself wasn't coming true; I wasn't going to get my time; my 'perfect' marathon was gone. I was ready to jump in my car and come back to Jackson.

~The story doesn't end there.

Thanks to my dear friend Candiss, (pictured below) I had a come to Jesus meeting of 'what would happen if I did run the full?'

So. It was decided. 12 hours before the race. I would go for the full. 

expoing with my best friend was pretty rad

So. Race day comes. Mile 11 comes for the split off. At this point I was happy-go-lucky, doing everything right in order to complete the full-so off I went with the random strangers to embark on the next 15 miles of the race.

The miles pass, and I am LOVING it. The weather was a bit warm, but nothing crazy. The hills were there but nothing unmanageable. The miles are ticking away with each water stop and I see more and more of how strong my body really is. The wall and I never met and that was pretty epic. 

I learned something that day. Redemption looked much different than what I imagined, but it still happened. This marathon is one for the books where I could care LESS what my time was. I had rough estimates but I just kinda ran and kept going until the finish line appeared; this was a new experience that's for sure. It was actually pretty freeing to not really look at my watch! I also fueled pretty dang well if I do say so myself (Meg-1. Ed-0). I ran for myself, by myself, and for no one else. I went to this race by myself and had a blast doing so. 

marathon #7-SMASHED!

In other news I am running for kicks and giggles these days. Running with my Clinton guys, running with random friends, running by myself;  just running for the joy of it. There are different seasons of life for running and I am in one where time and I simply aren't enmeshed. A season of truly finding my identity as Meg-a girl who DOES run but isn't DEFINED by her runs.  I'll get back into racing in due time, but for now, I'll just hit the pavement and the watch is optional.

So. There's that. Life is going. Life isn't perfect, but it's a heckuva lot better than it used to be. And for that, I am truly grateful.

We sang a new song at church and the chorus is pretty spot on; "God with us. God for us. Nothing can come against; no one can stand between us."

This is a truth to cling onto when the gravity of the last year weighs upon me. NOTHING did, is, or will come between me and God. No moment, diagnosis, disorder, person, thought; ANYTHING not of Him win because the Lord is with me and for me. 

Praise.

I will look back and see that You are faithful.

This is a sweet time of life. I love reading the blogs I posted 1 year ago. I had some wise words that came to me from a place of Self, and I'd like to share one monumental paragraph that I believe rings true for every person battling some type of mental illness.

"I believe in miracles; modern-day miracles...Not necessarily never taking another psychiatric med again, but having enough self-love to know that I DESERVE modern medicine for when I get walking pneumonia AND for when I have a panic attack and need help. To believe that God is still Sovereign over brain chemicals by PROVIDING doctors to design things to help me manage my fallen nature."

I'll never grow tired of yogurt-shameless plug.

So. That's where I am at. A season of gratefulness. Today at church we sang the song that I deem that time of life song. One part is, 'I will look back and see that You are faithful. I look ahead believing You are able.'
One year ago I clung onto the fact that one day I would look back and see His faithfulness; I couldn't see it then; all hope seemed lost.
However, now is that time. I get to look back and stand in awe that He saved my life; that I still have breath in my lungs; that I have a body strong enough to carry me through a half-marathon.
I am getting to redeem the city where it all fell apart. God so graciously is giving me everything back that I had before my breakdown. I get my old roommate, my Clinton running guys, my church family,  my old therapist who started this whole journey with me, my dietitian who knows how to call me out just when its' needed, and the best of all-my glorious job at Fleet Feet back. I am simply head over heels and beam with happiness every time someone says 'welcome back!' because I still can hardly believe it.

first day back at work!

I tend to forget to mention what the heck is up with me running wise. Well, I'm running St. Jude half, and then after that who knows! The options are endless. I know my 'fast days' are behind me for the moment, and that's ok. There's a season for everything, and this is my season to rebuild and reground my life, not with my identity in my speed and distance. To just be a 'normal' runner.....whatever that means anyways.

So. That's that. Our series at church is 'Lord, I am grateful', and every October and November I will forever live in thankfulness for the grace He showed me in that darkness; for the redemption process I am getting to experience; for the foundation I am recreating for myself back here in Jackson.

I surely will look back and see that You are faithful.

Hopeful transitions

So I started this blog post a week before I left Fairhaven (yes 5 weeks ago). Here was my first paragraph:
"The countdown is on 'til one of those life-changing transitions happens; where rubber meets the road; where recovery is sought without the realms of treatment. A part of me is ready to leave tomorrow, while still holding that it's not quite time. I'm still learning things, experiencing successes and struggles, doing projects that all help pave my path to this being 'it'; to never need to walk through those doors again. (Plug that I'm eternally grateful for FH, but the process to get to need it--not so much.)"

My therapist, Megan (left) and dietician, Hannah (right) whom
I still miss on the regular.

Fast forward a month later, and yet another hopeful transition is taking place.
In case you didn't get the memo-I moved from treatment life down to the coast to live with dad and Dawn (his GF).
The moments I remembered all too well started again. Emotional instability occurred. Old Meg was trying to come back no matter how hard I fought.
BUT. This story doesn't end badly. This time I handled myself differently. I assessed the situation, and realized that Jackson is home. Jackson might be where my downfall(s) happened, but Jackson is also where #mytribe happened; where all my friends rallied around me to support me as best they could. So, Jackson is the place I want to get back into real life.

Mah roomie, Renee'!!!

So what does that entail? Beautiful things, my friends.
1) living with my old roommate, Renee', who handled/handles all of this/me so well. Couldn't ask for a better friend to be a roommate. Also to the addition is Chelsea, new roommate for me!
2) going back to my treatment team: Susan, my therapist, and Olivia, my dietician. These 2 were there when it was good and there when it was down. I can't wait.
The third piece is one I can't even believe I get to type.
3) I GET TO GO BACK TO WORKING AT HOME: FLEET FEET. After the craziness I put Les and my FF fam staff through, I wasn't sure about it. But, Les and FF, proving just how much of a family we truly are, is giving me a second chance (ok like a 4th chance if we are being honest).
4)  back to my church family, Pinelake. That staff prayed me through the month leading up to FH. That church family accepted my craziness and loved me through it.
Furthermore back to my kiddos. I LOVE kids ministry. Getting to pour some Jesus into kids every Sunday is something I truly look forward to every single week.
5) back to my running friends in Clinton- aka: 'the guys'.

'the guys' plus Amanda, Allie (not pictured), and me

So, I am back to my old life, as new Meg.
Excited is an understatement.

Beach life: here I come (back)

It's been a hot minute since I blogged. Life has been happening. It feels incredibly surreal  that it's September and I'm still in treatment. I can tell you when I came here months ago this was not my plan. However, no timeline is what is healing me from the inside out; I'm not doing this again so I'd rather spend the time now getting this stuff done. I'd rather experiment with meds./have crazy changes happen while I have the support of people who not only believe me, but understand first hand. We celebrate successes, and have compassion/empathy for each other when slips happen. We fight together.

So, there's no subtle way to say this one so I'm just going for it. 

I am moving back to the coast mid-October! 

I will be moving in with dad and Dawn. I will be substitute teaching so I can control when I work to slowly get back into the realm of work and helping people.

There are so many feelings associated with this I can't even begin to go for it. 

We debated over Jackson vs. Gulfport; which city would help me seek recovery the best. 

Through that I had a revelation. My draw to Jackson is the life I previously had. Being with the 'fast' people, working at my dream job, coaching, socially running; having all the things I 'dreamed of'. 

And I was so sick; me and Ed were best friends.

It's time to create a new life.

I'm not saying no to Jackson forever, but am simply saying hello to Gulfport- for now. 

The fam. (plus Shelby haha)

So, otherwise this summer has been full of racing successes. Getting to RACE vs. participate with Ed. Ya see, Ed and racing don't co-exist; they simply can't.  My passion is now racing- not running alongside Ed. He no longer is in the driver seat for my training life. This is still a newfound concept and I loved getting to keep that all season and am loving it with upcoming races.

Shout out to the best coach ever, Karen, for dealing with my craziness. She sure knows how to get a girl to her goal!

Shoutout to my awesome relay partner Sarah!

Getting to make treatment friends real life friends is something that simply won't get old. These girls and I go through it together. We succeed together; struggle together; laugh together; feel feelings together. It's a 1 in a million experience. The days are long but the weeks are short. These girls and so many more are what keep me going here in the 901.

So. That's that. I'm learning a ton with Megan and Hannah. I am making revelations about feelings; past experiences; all my parts and how they work together; where so much of my fear stems. I learn and relearn what food does for me; who 'Self' is, and how to access her; how to use the skills that Fairhaven has and is teaching me.

Without them recovery wouldn't be where it is so mega shout out to the best treatment team ever.

This whole therapy thing works y'all!

~See ya later's, racing, and redeeming feels from it all~

Gator Bait 2017 is officially a mere memory. Whoa.

Before I get into race stories I need to take a moment; all my personal successes for this weekend wouldn't of happened without the girl in the middle. Meet Stephanie. Steph and Megan (not pictured) have been my individual therapists' since Kelley left, and man did they sure learn all the right things about how to be a great therapist! Anyways, Steph had to leave FH and though I'm oh so sad, I am oh so happy for her newfound time with her kiddos. This isn't a 'good-bye', but a 'see ya later' to Steph and also a 'hello' first week of her playing more with her funny, witty, beautiful kiddos!

I have said thank you 84729295 times but I'll say it again because she deserves them and more. So. Thanks for teaching me so much about recovery. Thanks for embodying compassion. Thank you for being apart of changing the course of my life; the good-bye feels are endlessly worth it.

Bridget, Steph, and me.

I am not even sure where to start to recap this weekend because so much happened physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, all the 'ally's'.

Lets go over the list of things that I did 'first'.

1) first open water swim of the year was at GB

2) first ride outside of the year was at GB

3) first time wearing the tri top I wore was at GB

4) first time running 6.2 miles with my new shoelaces was at GB

Race morning I got there, got everything set up, met up with dad, and practice swam. Did some visualization for the day, "listened" to the 'mandatory' race meeting and OFF we went!

pre-race with the lake we swam in, in the background

Swim: it was choppy but I just love all forms of swimming so the waves and toughness made it all the more fun!

Bike: this is where it gets tough for me. The last season I raced was 2014; the last tri I did was 2015 (hello IM...that was deemed survival). 

Little did I know all the walls I broke IM training mentally, all came back up. By mile 2 I was done with this ride. I wanted to be done..I didn't even want to spend 5 more minutes on Pom. This of-course is world shattering for me because triathlon is 'who I am'. 

This is not the blog where I say 'and this is ok blah blah blah.' Nope. 

This is the blog where I simply say 'this is what happened and I am processing it all.'

So I ended up finishing the bike because Steph and I planned so much around this weekend I couldn't fathom telling her that I didn't like it and quit. I've never raced intentionally for someone until that and let me just say it's the most inspiring thing to keep going.

Pom and I in transition.

Run: at this point I wasn't really 'feeling' like racing so I just kinda ran for kicks (pun intended). I talked to people, I drank Gatorade, I had a blast! I finished strong too! (look at that form-gah)

The finish was really wonderful because all my friends were there cheering me on and I felt great.

I had so many recovery wins through this day that it was amazing. I listened to my body 500% and didn't think about it. Ed kept trying to make his presence in my mind, but I was like UH NO I WANNA MAKE THIS RACE A GOOD ONE. So- I did. Again-first race this happened. #recoverywin

I am in love with this picture!

I ended up not getting my time goal and ya know what. This is ok. The mere fact this is ok testifies to recovery and wow is it worth it.

I also ended up not having a panic attack. This is the first triathlon this has happened -ever. Again-thank you recovery. 

I ended up getting first in my AG so that was pretty cool considering I wasn't even trying for that!

All-in-all it was a wonderful weekend. I got to have dinner with 3 friends that I went to Florida with to do their 100 miler and my 50 miler so we are all buds after that-HA.

I did the race, got to hang with quite a few of my friends that night enjoying company, and of course eating yummy food and a DQ blizzard.

Sunday morning I had coffee with 'the guys'; everyone was there (like 15 of us) and it was like I never missed a beat.

I went to church with Amanda-who I stayed with.Thanks to Amanda because without her this trip wouldn't of happened!

Then I drove back while jamming to songs, and that ended the trip back to the 601.

My friend who I hung with after the race and I!

So new race plan? Relay Heatwave, do HOD, relay a tri in August probably, and relay Ryanman.

I have no desire to 'break' the walls that are mentally back up towards cycling. I do this for FUN and if I don't enjoy the journey then what's the point?

Thank you recovery; Steph; Megan; Fairhaven for teaching me this. That it's for fun, not for exercise; it's for training; to push my limits in a non-ED way.

This is a life-changing season and I wouldn't have this redeeming experience without them.

refreshing road trips, races, and redemption at its' finest.

So many things has happened since I last blogged! 

I am delving into the depths of therapy which is its' own training. Some days I have to take a few moments to decompress before continuing on with the afternoon. It's exhausting; it's up there with IM training. Treatment is its' own form of running a marathon.

. 

I am slowly gaining the ability to be more social which is exciting. I am making Memphis more and more my 'home'; it's surreal but a cool experience. One wonderful example is L (left) and I road tripped to Oxford to see S (right). It was and is refreshing to be 'normal people' with the girls I do intense life with at FH! 

It was double decker weekend which made the experience all the more fun!

I still have been training quite hard and am excited about my upcoming race(s)! However, in the midst of it, a few of my NOBOer's decided to take on a 10k! I told them I'd come run it with them, and it was the most beautiful thing to be able to participate in with them. Seeing them go from .25 miles of running to completing a 10k makes me feel like a proud mom (coaching win).

They were so proud and I was just as elated as them!

To go off the racing topic, it is continually the best part of recovery to be rescued from the depths of Ed; to start to walk in life-giving life of training for Him; to see food as fuel. I'm certainly not saying I have this down everyday, but overall the mental shift is one that I never dreamed possible. 

The progression of proclaiming His rescuing to confidence in Him and having nothing to do but sing praises; this is redemption guys. (see below said progression).

"For You have rescued me from death; You have kept my feet from slipping so now I can walk in Your presence, O God, in Your life-giving life. - Ps. 56:13.

"My heat is confident in You, O God; my heart is confident. No wonder I can sing Your praises! - Ps. 57:7.

Re for rescuing redemption. (the flowers however have surpassed being rescued)

I pondered how to end it, and the way I ended last blog still rings true.

"So in short there's lost sof parts: fabulous, tough, sad, thrilling, awesome, fear, frustration, love, happiness, beauty; all the things life should hold.

And then sometimes I forget it's been a month since I blogged

I can't believe it's been a month. I feel like I just got here yet feel like I never left. So much has happened yet so little.

'How's Memphis?' I get asked and I appreciate the curiosity of it all. So 3 parts: FH, Memphis, Meg.

2) Fairhaven is still life-changing. My new individual therapist, Megan, is one in a million (her name helps that too). 84839538 questions of 'curiosity' thus making me question myself is the hardest yet most helpful part of every week. The group members have slowly changed and as always, are oh so imperfect perfectly supportive.

My shameless plug that I can now do a headstand!

2) Memphis is FABULOUS. I am doing 'growth track' at HighPoint to start getting plugged into the mid-20's group next week, and I already serve with HP Kids!! Karen (coach) is going to start writing in my plan a weekly run with Fleet Feet up here so I can meet another realm of fellow crazies (hehehe).

Like going to Pitter Potter- SO MUCH FUN.

3) Meg is here.
After contemplating what fabulous bible analogy to use and coming up with nothing, I decided to just share what I'm clinging to at this point; Romans 8:35-39.
"No, despite all these things, OVERWHELMING VICTORY is ours through Christ, who loved us."

That verse is powerful blah blah, but not really if you don't know the context. It starts with, can anything separate us from Christ's love? Does *insert list of terrible things like danger, persecution, calamity* mean that He no longer loves us?
*cue v. 37* OVERWHELMING VICTORY!
So it ends with NOTHING can separate us from God's love including *insert longer list of things that can never steal from us His love.*
That is beautiful. No matter the depths of suffering happening, His love overcomes and ultimately I will overcome because of His love and victory. Praise for that Truth to stand on.

At least we have light- hearted fun between groups.

SO. I understand 500% why they wanted to wait until I got here to add what we wanted to add. They are thinking it's going to work; I am hoping. The side effects are not exactly my friend. It never gets easier. However this time is better because I'm with all my FH friends who have all been here and accept my disassociation and help me out of the head space.

Training is going well. I have my first race in TWO WEEKS. I'm shaking even typing that one out. It's the most redeeming part of all of this realm right now. Training everyday because I want to; because I want to push myself; because I LOVE the sports; eating stuff before, during, and after; because its no longer just about burning calories.
Karen is surely testing that last one. Hard days are TOUGH and she kicks my ass, but easy days are easy and mentally tougher than hard days. I complain over it sometimes, but seeing my numbers get better and better is truly worth it *how to know my motives are in a much better place*.

Thankful for this girl to share our love of sports, Jesus, and RECOVERY with.
Proud of her for discharging to take on life!! 

So in short there's lots of parts: fabulous, tough, sad, thrilling, awesome, fear, frustration, love, happiness, beauty; all the things life should hold.

Lots of thankfulness. Lots of whys. Lots of present and fore-coming newness, while old life fades away.

T-less than 1 week. So many emotions towards all of this. Excitement for a new city. Anxiety for the lack of future planning. Sadness for leaving all the things in Jackson; leaving all the training programs that holds my heart. Fear of how long I'll be in this mental battle. Joy because I'll be with my friends. Anticipation because of all the new places to go, see, and get plugged in at.
READY because-it's time.

Lots of things practically have happened, are happening, and will happen. I have moved most of my stuff to my apt. in Memphis. My dad is coming up this weekend to get my furniture. Friend dates are coming to a close. My training group programs are ending. I went through my stuff last week. I went through my clothes which was a daunting process that ended up being OK with my good 'ole friend Amanda. My heart is thankful to have her there to just hold space and lessen the intensity.

Me: We are taking a selfie.
Amanda: ......
Me: Like how I didn't ask *pulls out phone*
Amanda: makes thrilled face 

The reason I am in Jackson until April 3rd is because of the people below. They inspire me to be the best me possible in this phase of life. Having no idea what's happening in my life, nor me to theirs, we all get to put it all away and bond over the love (or momentary hate) of getting in shape. My heart feels like a proud mom watching them grow to walk, run/walk, or run their 5K goal race this weekend. They have battled all the weather conditions the last 10 weeks (thank you Mississippi). They have dealt with my craziness of forgetting things, being so insecure the first week, forgetting names, and sometimes running a *bit* more than intended. They have battled hills, small setbacks, successes, slips, and all the things we runners know happen-they are learning. They are the people that were/are my constant amidst my inconsistent life phase. They are the pure joy I looked forward to each day amidst my craziness. They are why I am here and though we questioned if I should stay, I know and see it was endlessly worth it to get to know and do life with these people.

Be still my heart; taking their 60 second walk in the
midst of their interval.

As I was thrown into the fact I need to go back to Fairhaven-all the thoughts of 'why' started flooding back. *THIS* was my biggest fear. I even stated that in my last blog. I could never go back to 'old Meg' and needing to back to treatment would mean I went back there; I failed. OF COURSE God has a sense of humor.

The plus side of me going back is that I am not going back for what I was so scared to go back for: my eating disorder. Praise the Lord that though it's not 'gone', it is much more manageable and I am seeking more and more freedom as the days go by. 

Like spontaneously having a milk shake because they are yummy.

So why go back?
Ya see, I had a part of me that denied this whole bipolar diagnosis because I hadn't experienced all that I am 'supposed to'.. *cue me going to Fairhaven and getting quite distant from Ed*. So I come back and rapid cycling like I've never had is thrown at me; life is crumbling before my eyes yet again. I begin to question why and thank the Lord for Fairhaven. They have shown me in a way it's a good thing.
WHAT??
Well, anytime I used to experience a 'feeling' I didn't want to, I would fall back on Ed to help me feel only what I wanted to. So now that I'm learning to feel and cope like a normal person, the things that my brain is working through is coming up more.

I feel much more 'comfortable' going back to FH because of this. To learn how to function in life.

Travel buddy and all the things en route to Memphis!

I didn't go back to old Meg. I won't ever go back to old Meg. She is a mere memory I can feel sad for, be thankful for of what she provided, and when remembering her be reminded of how much silent suffering there was and how much more freedom I have in recovery.

New Meg has life. New Meg knows what she is missing and is being humbled enough to ask for help, desperately cling to Christ, and all the while still have moments of the breath of life when standing in front of 40 people who trust you to help them with their athletic goals.

New Meg still has a lot to learn, and is blindly jumping into this new phase of life. To see all that the world has to offer. All that Christ wants to further teach. All that there is to live for and to find more of it each day. 

901: I'm comin' back for ya!

There's no way to slightly say it so let's just go for it. April 3rd I'll be going/moving (back) to Memphis; Cordova; Fairhaven.

Don't ask life plans because 'Oh Lord God only You know' sure applies right now. I know that I'm leaving my Fleet Feet family. I know I'm moving out of Renee' and I's house *tears*. I know I am going to have to transition my brain from Pinelake to Highpoint. I know that a timeline finally isn't set. I know that is terrifying yet the most freeing thing I'll probably ever do for myself.

Practical plan: I'll go to Memphis. Get back on my feet. For more than a little bit. Transition down in the program up there and get a job. Start to function in real life-see what works.
It's what I got; the end. 

I am essentially removing myself from any and all ties until I'm well enough to not go through this whole 'I'm fine...I'm dying..I'm fine...I'm dying' pattern. It doesn't get easier. I know with everything in me 'last time' was IT for a lot of things but not 'it' for everything; THAT IS OK. This doesn't mean I failed last time, but simply a learning experience.

Some ties will be broken and some won't. Thankful for these people to celebrate my 25th birthday with me and know they will always be on my team-no matter what city/country I live in.

 So here's my funny story about my life being inserted into a snippet that is usually unnoticed in Acts 27. (The harbor Fair Havens...I can't make this stuff up.)

Long story short Paul was trying to get to Rome and kept getting set back. The time comes to set sail; they get rerouted because of storms so they stop in this harbor named Fair Havens (I can't even...). Paul is like we need to stay! Everyone else doesn't trust him, so they are like nope- they figured they had it; they knew best; it couldn't be that bad. So, they keep going; Paul knew storms were going to take them out, but also knew they'd make it out okay.

"The terrible storm raged for many days, blotting out the sun and the stars, until at last all hope was gone." (v. 20)

The people were like OMG WHAT and Paul was like I BELIEVE GOD- we are gonna make it. So, long story short they made it out alive, but not without the shipwreck.

Making it out alive amidst the shipwreck with these beautiful girls.

I read this February 20th- right when these decisions were made.

I literally laughed as I read. 

Storms were raging so I finally sought (or thrown at) safety at Fair Haven in October. Storms were still happening but was sheltered and couldn't see it all, so I left 'confidently'. I didn't ask because I obviously know best. Fair Haven knew I was doing good but felt cautious.

So-I left- just like they did. And yes- the storms came within days; all the fears I had were happening. Anxiety, rapid changes, disassociation, intensified everything, the ability to function; all the things that already happened.

So finally (like them) I AM DONE. So- I take a leap of faith to hope I'll make it; they (FH) know I'm gonna make it- but not without the shipwreck. Sometimes all hope seems lost, but other times I know I'll make it out; it's lasting longer than I intended- like the people felt about theirs. But they survived and all I can do is cling to that my story will end like theirs.

Because the girl on the left thought all hope was gone despite the successes of an Ironman; the girls on the right are seeking true freedom and experiencing the before/during smiles of love in vulnerability found within recovery friendships.

It hasn't hit me yet I won't be here. That blog will happen eventually. ;)
But I'll still be back for some races. I'll just be a few hours north- so if anyone wants to road trip I'll be there for some time and totally accepting!<3 nbsp="" p="">

The life I left back in the 601

There's so many things my heart enjoys all the more now and it's a beautiful transformation to experience. One being the heartfelt significance of a Church family.
As I've mentioned, Pinelake is one in a million. As I've been back, EVERY SINGLE person on staff that sees me Sunday's walking by, stops to say hey; to hug me; to ask genuinely how I'm doing and encourage me along the way. I know they have been praying for me and keeping up and it's obvious they want to be on my team. Can I just say THAT is a pretty killer group of people and represent the church in its' entirety.

One aspect I don't mention but holds a significant part of my love for Pinelake is specifically the room in the back: the kids room. That room is a special place. That is the place that community has been desired, and found. I truly look forward to 11 am every week. Getting to teach the Word of God to kids is a fabulous experience for both parties. I learn the lesson myself most weeks honestly while simultaneously preparing to teach these kids'. It's such a cool experience to soak in all the more the teachings then be able to show them the aweomeness of the Bible!
It's the perfect picture of 'disciples making disciples making disciples'.

Pinelake is an ever growing place so we had to find a new space for us to seek God in; the Clinton move theater! We will move in March. We had the opportunity to tour and pray over the place that people will come to know Jesus in.

As far as recovery goes, now it's a plethora of small things that makes my heart jump just a bit. Like:
-buying creamer (peppermint mocha is literally my favorite tasing thing)
-having enough compassion for myself to set boundaries for 'me/self-care time' everyday
-lunch dates being 100% about the person and not the anxiety about the place
-having confidence in front of the 50 people I have the honor to coach
-learning my point of 'no return' at work and walking outside to regain myself (shameless plug that my work staff is SO supportive of all of this; they don't blink an eye when I have to pause and encourage me along my way).
There's so many more but that's the first few that popped in my head.

we have way too much fun....sorry boss! ;)

However, there's an equal list of the things that I am continuing to struggle with. I don't want it to seem like the transition back to 'normal life' is just seamless; it's not. It involves:
-doubt at work if I can do this
-pauses at work because I can't handle the day
-fear over if in 6 month's I'll have to do this again
-tears because I miss my 2nd home; my closest group of people.
Getting to hit the end of your ropes and seek light alongside them is definitely considered family status.
There's many more but those are the ones I think you'll be able to comprehend the most.

Man these ladies mean way too much to me.

So. There we go.

Renee' and I are trekking along as roomies and enjoying every single day with each other (ok I'm enjoying it and I am making the claim that she does too :D)

I will continue to be thankful for the time at Fairhaven while trying to transfer my heart back to Jackson every day. Continuing to seek and live in the new life that was found; keeping the learning's close to my heart to be able to seek the freedom I know is there and taste all the more everyday. *pun intended for physically tasting yummy things AND mentally experiencing all the things :D*

Learnings of the week

Well this week was a pretty significant one. I have the privilege of coaching 2 groups at Fleet Feet! I am coaching Walkfit and No Boundaries. NOBO has 2 programs though; a run/walk plan and a run plan. Walkfit has about 20 people and NOBO has almost 50! I can hardly believe Lesley and the team entrusted me with this endeavor. When she asked when I was coming home I told her I was unsure and she told me the pondering of me doing it and I was simply elated and decided that I'd be stable enough to do it. Honestly it's the best decision because that means I get to be on the floor less and coaching more-which is my passion.

Though I do love me some pool deck coaching too!

One thing I have been learning and trying to embody is where my identity lies. I so desperately kept wanting it to be in the things I succeed at: 'the girl who works at Fleet Feet', 'the girl who coaches people', 'the girl who did an IronMan', 'the girl who ran a *insert time here* marathon/ran x amount of miles'. But at Fairhaven I was none of those things. They knew I did those things, but I was simply Meg and it was the most refreshing thing I could've ever been known for. The girl that was here to strive to live in Self; being a passionate bubbly human being.

I know that is impossible to have 100% down here, but in my own mind I want to be able to see myself as simply Meg; nothing else. Some days are better than others', but starting every morning off with Jesus, with my passion of training, and simply sitting in silence starts the day in the right direction!

Studying for this stuff was fun for all records :)

I continue to be in awe over all the things I'm getting to enjoy. Example: Monday at work is sometimes 'coffee Monday'. There is this seasonal King Cake Latte. Everyone was getting it and joking about it; it came to me and I pondered. There was a King Cake brew that I could get, but let's be honest-the Latte sounds AWESOME! So, I took the plunge and went for the Latte. No idea how many calories is in it; what flavors it is; just the knowledge of that it'll be King Cake flavored. (ILOVEMARDIGRAS) So it arrived and I enjoyed every sip-I didn't gulp it down like brew coffee, I savored the taste and wasn't judging myself with it, but simply living with the moment of it.

That is a recovery win, and a turning point to see the life change that FH truly provided for me.

Yummines in a cup

So there's last week. Jumping back into life head first, but with the support of my roomie, work staff, church family, and friends being patient with the new schedule I am adapting to. 

Being the new person Fairhaven taught me to embody, and is continuing teaching me to be. Learning to handle life and all it brings without my primary coping skill (thank you Ed), but learning to take on life with healthy coping skills like journaling, art, piano playing, blogging, and all the things my heart enjoys.

My over the top ramblings of thankfulness for Fairhaven has not dissipated every time someone asks me how I am doing, and that in of itself attributes to how life changing the experience was, and is.

So- know I am doing pretty dang grand. Know I miss Fairhaven with everything in me. Know my heart lies in Jackson and simultaneously in Cordova. Know I am thankful for Fairhaven while being equally thankful for #mytribe of people who supported me the last year and a half of this storm. 

Know it's not quite over but the sun is equally as present as the clouds. The sun is new life, and the sun is hitting my life in all the ways possible. And that is something to be endlessly grateful for.

Old life; new person. What an experience to never forget.

Here we are; back in Jackson; what a transition it has been.

Bless Renee' for having to listen to it all as she is embarking on whole 30.

I am endlessly thankful to have a roomie to check on me; make sure I'm on my meal plan; encourage me; ask me how I'm feeling; being there for me. 

Roomie pass-off.
Memphis roomie to Jackson roomie.

It was a beautiful good-bye ceremony at group. Notes, books, journals, a bracelet; all the things to keep to remind me of the work and time I spent at FH. I also got this yoga mat that...Natalie, (my fav. therapist besides Kelley) the mind/body (yoga) therapist was slightly OCD about because it didn't match the rest of the mats, but kept it for me. Wanting to get rid of it we decided for everyone to sign it for me to keep. It's on my floor leading to my room to remind me of the love that is there.

So, the following day, Renee' and my BRF (best running friend) came up to help take me back to Jackson. From the 901 to the 601; til the following Friday! YAY!

We (Fairhaven fam.) are so thankful for the decision for me to go back Friday's for a little while. It's nice to check-in, see the fam., see Kelley, Leslie, and Dr. Saini. Honestly I am terrified to get a new psych so I'm glad to have him to continue to work with me. Fairhaven is such a safe place so it's nice to get to spend a whole day being in Self to remind me what it feels like, and to get to start to bring it back to my life at home.

Speaking of being in Self, I am continuing to learn what Fairhaven provided for me. Helping me learn so many parts/emotions that ambushed me. Psalm 13 speaks so perfectly.

"How long must I struggle with anguish in my soul, with sorrow in my heart every day?...Restore the sparkle in my eyes, or I will die...But I will trust in your unfailing love, I will rejoice because you have rescued me."

In the Psalm there is the progression of WHY, to HELP, to PRAISE which seems to echo the trend of my thoughts for the month specifically leading to FH. I keep going back to it because it was such a blur; I was determined if you could die from anguish I was going to be there. I was determined that God WILL rescue me but was so upset it wasn't coming. It came, and I was in awe of the timing of it all. Thank you Psalm 13 for reminding me of His faithfulness even in the midst of terror; fear; overwhelming thoughts; craziness. 

What a blessing to have friends to journey the finding of Self,
and encourage me all along the way!

I started back work, starting coaching, started back at life. Jumping in head first is a bit of a shock but I have a staff to joke with me, but the second I tell them I'm struggling they have all the support for me. I am rockin' at having all the things that I deemed 'bad', but don't think twice about now. Mexican; grilled cheese; corn dogs; ice cream. I feel like a kid trying new foods and showing the parents how proud I am. 

the yogurt with more calories, grilled cheese, ranch;
all the things that are 'I love myself foods'. 

So. It's surreal; scary, overwhelming, refreshing, thankfulness filled, and so many other things being back. I am elated to be back coaching, to get to transition back to work, and reacquaint myself with my old life, but as a new person. 

601: I'm comin' for ya Saturday: DISCHARGE IS HERE.

I discharge today; FRIDAY and will be back living in the 601 Saturday. I start back work/coaching Monday. WHAT? (I know it's coming as a shock; I've been avoiding it as long as possible HAH.)
Thankfully I'll be back at Fairhaven on Friday's for a bit because I can't fathom going from 5 days a week to 'thanks for everything BYE'; it's making the transition more acceptable.
I can only imagine what I'll be rambling about after getting home-so here's my right before I leave Fairhaven ramblings.

Shameless plug that THIS was my run that morning!

I hope my appreciation for Fairhaven doesn't dissipate. I know soon it will become a mere memory; the thoughts will fade. I don't want my feelings towards this time of life to lessen. I want to remember the hopelessness I faced coming here; the darkness that plagued everyday. However, the now finding what recovery looks like. Being challenged to the core; breaking every thought I had conceived in my mind and rewiring what 'normalcy' looks like; putting back together the pieces that life has thrown at me.
Trusting my psych- Dr Saini, dieticians- Jenni then Leslie, and individual- Kelley to be apart of this whole being told no; being told to challenge and change my ways was a hard thing to give up, but one I was willing to try -because my ways obviously weren't working. This is something I am and will always be endlessly grateful.

One thing I've been thinking about and standing in awe over is how in the past 3 1/2 months my opinion of recovery has changed; for the better.

I kept hearing full recovery is possible and honestly I used to believe I don't apply to that rule. Though I'm not there, I am getting there day-by-day and believe so.
The thought process where I believe genuine freedom from 'safe foods', 'bad foods', counting calorie concerns weakening is actually happening; loving running EVERY time because I want to better my athletic ability, ALWAYS enjoying each moment of all the things I have; simply LIVING this distant euphoric land of full recovery is coming closer each small win that happens practically daily.

like getting Sheridans and
not thinking about the calories in it.
Man. Hello new Meg; I don't miss the old girl.

So- how to even describe FH group therapy? One thing I can't fathom leaving is the intimate friendships formed here (yay for phones and group texts). Hearing the depths of these girls' heart that have never been explored, and finding them myself; sharing it all while feeling lack of shame and judgement amidst crazy deep heart stuff is something that I will cherish for a life time. These girls are the people I know I could call any time and they would be there to support me, no questions asked. 

 It's an experience like none other; it's forming friendships and intimate bonds with people you have no choice with. It's realizing you all have a lot of common ground; hitting the end of your wits ends, realizing help was crucial for living, and then doing something about it. It's not only hearing the ins and outs of the girls lives', but desiring to learn it to not only relate but to see their growth.

These girls have helped save the course of my life through Fairhaven; the therapists, dietitians, recovery coaches, group members; heck the business people are just as vital because without them I wouldn't of logistically gotten here. 

So. In short. Thanks Fairhaven. 

Thanks for changing my life; saving it; helping me find freedom I didn't know was there.

These people love me and encourage me in life, and doing the crazy things I want!

Mark 11:22-24 is Light to the very fact of having the faith for full recovery. Before coming here this (bible verses below) was an aimless prayer because it was wishful thinking; it was sucky faith honestly. I like to come off as this cute girl who loves Jesus, but also needing help; yet having the faith to balance both.
Let me just tell you...sometimes I have sucky faith. I WISH for lots of things but having faith for it to happen sometimes doesn't always go through.
But. Piece by piece I am experiencing the mountain moving faith that Jesus has given me. That is with countless moments of screaming to God of why or how or impossible; I still have those moments, but I am striving for less of them because He is a God that has saved me from the depths of depravity and given me Fairhaven to find new life in recovery with Him.

And Jesus answered them, “Have faith in God. Truly, I say to you, whoever says to this mountain, ‘Be taken up and thrown into the sea,’ and does not doubt in his heart, but believes that what he says will come to pass, it will be done for him. Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours.