Week #2 doesn't get a crafty name because my brain is tired ;)

It feels like I just wrote week #1's blog post and it's already been another week. Another week of challenging meals, hard conversations, tears about what I have to do, laughs with newfound friends, Bablu, ice cream, new meds, fun running routes, getting lost and mapping my way home, happiness over the girls in group, frustration over the process knowing it's worth it; kissing Meg's timeline good-bye and surrendering to the powers above me (Jesus and Fairhaven..ha!).

There's so many things to say that will never begin to explain the depth of everyday. But first let's look at some light-hearted fun things that have been happening!

Saturday (today) I had the thrilling opportunity to go to Tupelo to see my kindred spirit, and her kiddos.  AG qualified for STATE MEET as a 7th grader so getting to cheer her on was wonderful.  I've also gotten to facetime/talk to a plethora of friends from Jackson and that always makes my day.  I am happy to hear from you; tell me about your day! I love getting mail that simply tells me daily life stories.  Trust me, it's crazy enough here I love hearing your work/run/school stories HAH!

I had the privilege of spending last Sunday with the Avery's.  I went to church with their family; went over for lunch (15 people mind you), laughed, had birthday yumminess, talked; all the fun things that people do on Sunday's.  It was beautifully good for my soul in so many forms.

I also Facetimed into my bible study in Clinton.  It was SO fun to jump right back in!

I have been learning oodles about myself and it's only been two weeks.  Imagine having to change the way you've been thinking your entire life; that is what my everyday is like.  It's pretty intense safe to say.  Learning how bound I have been to myself for 24 years is a sobering reality, but one that is going to be freed up is an even better life picture. 

Learning the ins and outs of what exactly is imbalanced in my brain; all the things that caused it, what we can do about it, and how to deal practically with it.  I'll be here a little while to go through the individual parts of my treatment plan; it takes time, work, trust, and the desire to do it all. 

Learning different systems of therapy, about the various 'self's' we have, how they communicate, what the lack of communication does, and how to have more inner dialogue between them all (no...this is not multiple personality disorder!! :D).

We talk a lot about what our bodies can do.  So.  Here is some art therapy because this will always be my favorite part of group; that and my individual sessions with Kelley (primary therapist) and Jenni (dietician).

We talk a lot about self-compassion, and how to implement it.  That we are raised in a culture that counteracts the very notion; that we should 'suck it up', always put others first, and smile.  Self compassion sometimes needs the complete opposite, and that's OK.  For me, I need to learn to embrace negativity, sadness, anger, and all the things that I don't show.  So that is going to take some time; recovery has to come first and if that means staying here longer than so be it.

So.  Here we are.  Fairhaven is the sole thing that is going to alter the course of the rest of my life.  Can I just say that knowing I am doing the thing that is going to free me to be a healthy Meg is pretty enthralling.  I honestly was sick of being sick.  You might not of ever had the 'honor' *sarcasm* of seeing some of my not-so-pretty moments, but for those that did saw they sure inhibited my daily life.  

Just like diabetes will hinder you; untreated brain chemicals will do the same.  Lack of control over your blood sugar is the EXACT same as lack of control over how I will be feeling that moment.

This is not where I talk about having sudden control.  This is where the word surrender comes into play.  That I am continually surrendering my thoughts, emotions, desires; all the things into the hands of Fairhaven and Christ.  I surrender every morning into His will, and His will is for me to be here, so they coincide beautifully.

Week 2 is done, and I am hopeful for week 3 to continue the success from week 2.

Fore-coming freedom in all the ways I never envisioned.

Talking about my first week of treatment is tough one.  I would like to be able to say that I love it here.  That I have made lifelong friends. That I don't miss anything and everything is the perfect mix of challenge but good.

Week one and week two of treatment just isn't that way.  Week one is overwhelming; your desire to go home each day increases; every meal; hourly challenges; 473728 'check-in's' of how you feel.
Let's not forget this whole walking pneumonia thing coinciding with week one!!

Because going to the minor hospital the 3rd day in Cordova is the cool thing to do.

I miss Jackson more than you'll ever know.  I miss my friends; my Pinelake church family and kids ministry people.  I miss walking into Candiss' house and her kids just assuming it's me. I miss my Natchez Trace drives to work; runs with my Wednesday partner Lesley; Meghan; Erica.  I miss living with Renee' always catching up on each others' work drama (which never happens in either of our lives since we both work at perfect place with perfect people :P)  I miss DEARLY my FF fam; I can't wait to be back with them.
Eventually I'll be back with those things; when I am better able to.  But right now home is not the place for me, and it's ok to not be ok with that but to do it anyways because we can do hard things!

Thanks for encouraging me and getting me here. I love you Candiss no matter what!

It's not bad though-I don't need rescuing! I have a good roommate who is different from me but we live well together already; we got another one this weekend too.  I went out with 3 ladies from group; I found a few girls I'll connect well with; a few girls I don't connect much with.  We keep each other accountable and simply do life as best as we possibly can.
Group overall is encouraging and is an atmosphere where life-change will happen.  It's going to be the place where this blob of 'fore-coming freedom' I have always quietly dreamed of will happen.  We even did a visual exercise where we envisioned our recovered selves and it was such a beautiful experience listening to everyone's dreams and hear theirs align with mine.

TIGHTS WEATHER IS IN MEMPHIS Y'ALL

What's a normal day?
I usually wake up at 6/6:30. Read. Do homework. Journal. Coffee. Breakfast. Take a walk (when I can run--RUN).  It's a beautiful morning that is low-key to prepare for the day at hand.
Drive to Fairhaven around 9:20
check-in/vitals: 9:30
snack: 10ish
group #1: 10:30
lunch: 12:30
post-lunch process: 1ish
group #2 (sometimes a third group exists here too): 1:15
individual with my individual (Kelley) or nutritionist (Jenni) usually at 3 or so (or sometimes before vitals).

After group? If I don't run before, I'll run after; go on a walk; do homework; nap; talk to my friends from Jackson; FaceTime dates; read for fun; read for group; Netflix; hang with other girls/my roomie.

Shelby Farms is such a pretty place to walk around and run in!

~Snack is pretty fun: we try to get it over with quick so we can go back to the room to hang out, read, do outside art therapy, or whatever we want.
~AM group the first 2/3 weeks is 'compassion group' where you talk about your 'compassionate self'.  That is the KEY word for Fairhaven: compassionate; it's pretty beautiful if you ask me.  So compassion group is a little different everyday but revolves around our compassion book.
~After the first few weeks it's mind and body or some sort of non-book based therapy.
~Lunch is usually good; sometimes intense.  Some days we process more than others.
~Group 2 is different everyday: relapse prevention, IFS work, mind/body, poetry, art therapy, DBT work, Nutrition group; the list could go on.

I love me some art therapy.

So.  It's going.  I'll be here a little while that's for sure.  But: for fore-coming freedom it will be worth it.  I know I'm worth spending the time on because I want to be back in Jackson healthy and happily taking on what life has to offer.  With that, social media has become the place where I get homesick the most.  So-I am peacing out until I'm more comfortable here.  I'll still blog but-I won't be keeping up.  SO PLEASE if something happens shoot me a text.  I love pictures and random texts.  I love #mytribe and how it has expanded.  I wouldn't make it without y'all and the new people being added from all over the USA here in Cordova!

Treatment is going.  It's the best decision I've made for my life.  I can't wait to meet the Meg that I'm learning more about.  It's harder than any Ironman I'll ever do.  This is a small group of people who has my utmost respect to fight for themselves, and decide to get better, no matter the cost of uncomfortable moments; I hope to get there and am on my way.

Surrendering: in Memphis on Monday!

It's been 2 weeks of not working.
3 weeks of 'detoxing' in Jackson.
1 month of coming to all of this.
Monday, October 17th, Candiss and I will pack my car, and head to the outskirts of Memphis, TN for me to spend a little while up there-Cordova, TN to be exact.  Fairhaven is the name of the place I'll be heading to.  Hello future new family!

It's been a hell of a year that's for sure. I know quite a few of my friends are trying to wrap their mind around what this process has been looking like.  What do I do all day if I "can't" work?  Am I just being lazy?  Do I just get to hang and socialize all day?  MAN that sound's great! *sarcasm*

There are so many words to use to attempt to describe the last 3 weeks.  It's not fun to talk through; mental breakdowns are normal peoples' real lives sometimes, and if I can be the voice of 'real' for this realm-then bring it on.

The excitement of a day.

I am here to exclaim that mental breakdowns aren't pretty.  It's something you don't talk about.  It's lots of concern from those who love me most, and lots of me avoiding it all.  It's lots of support that I know is there, am extremely thankful for, yet simultaneously extreme loneliness in my brain because of the rapid cycling leveling happening.  It's lots of heartache and helplessness for those watching and myself because the only thing left to do is wait for the meds to be gone.

I've always heard of these things and 'seen' them on movies, and that doesn't begin to express all that's wrapped up in them.  It's lots of fear, yet because I have Jesus it's somehow overwhelming peace because He has good plans for me. It's lots of blind trusting in His promises' from His word that is a product of His faithfulness and mercy towards me, His child.

I'm gonna miss these Ridgeland trails; but I'll be back.  They are so dang peaceful!

So..practically?
I can't do groups of people- at all; I have to take anxiety medicine to go to church (no shame in my game); I can't run with FF even though I want to.  I ENJOY running at 530/6am because I can attempt to remember the Meg that is in there.  I'm still spacey but not dreading the moments.  It's my favorite part of the day.  There's lots of cycling every few days of when my 'crash points' hit.  A crash point is when my brain decides it's done working for the next few hours. When that happens-all we do is WAIT.
I don't go out in public much because people scare me.  It's having panic attacks simply laying on the couch, so obviously not going 'out'.  Lack of sleep is a big one. There's lots of thoughts of 'I am ready to be better'.

It's lots of nothing; lots of waiting; lots of spaciness; trying to remember the 'me' that I am aiming for. It's endless lack of words of prayers.  It's frustration because I am here enough to know none of this is me, yet disassociated enough from life to do anything about it.
It's trying to re-find the Meg that was, that I want to be, and that is too lost inside myself screaming to come back.
It's lots of texts to check on me.  People caring enough to stop and see how I am.  What can they do? Pray. Wait with me.  Just don't leave.  And #mytribe has been rockin' at that more than I can express.

random paths on a random run in Clinton; be still my heart.

One word that has been re-appearing is 'surrender'.  I am having to surrender every facet of my life to each day.  My sanity (or lack there of right now!!) lies in the hands of my doctors.  I surrender my life to Fairhaven Monday. I surrendered the timeline I set for treatment.  I surrender all my plans for October, November, and December to getting better.  I am surrendering my plans to what He has always had planned, but I just now am getting the memo.  I sure will never know why this is in His plans, but it is; I get overwhelmed at the reality of it all, but never angry.  I will learn to continually surrender my plans for recovery.

His will is perfect.  This song is the cry of my heart, and those around me. Listen on.
The battleground is here; the armor is being put on.  Fighting is happening; I am ready to go get more armor and more people fighting directly with me.
Another journey to be added to my book of life.  It's one that I never wanted, or expected, but it's one that I know has to happen.
So Jackson; peace out.  I know you'll be here when I get back.  I can't wait, but it's time to go!