FUU 2024

Officially: 43.4 miles. 14 5k loops.
Unofficially: about 45 miles.
Time: 11:50:19.9

WARNING: Very vulnerable post of all the physical, emotional, and mental challenges and experiences of the race.

Laps 1 and 2 were full of adrenaline. I was talking to everyone, running faster than planned, and unaware of all that laid ahead. I was happy and in the moment.

Laps 3 and 4 I found my groove, ran my race, still chatted with people, and found what worked for me nutrition wise. I was voice memoing a few friends, sending pictures, and singing songs in my head. I felt happy to be with my people, doing what we all love.

Lap 5 was my first emotional lap. I really wanted to see all the stats on my watch, however, because my watch was seriously 15 years old, the satellite stopped working at exactly 12.94 miles. I started to cry uncontrollably. I voice memoed a few friends, but specifically Risa, because she had finished her allotted time (because she is going to rock IMTX this weekend!!). So, I knew she was hanging at 'base'. Risa called Brittany, who was running, and said that I was having a moment, and to be ready when she saw me on the course. I saw Brittany, fell into her arms so upset, and just cried. In the middle of the road. After running like 15 miles, with many miles ahead of us. It was drizzling, so we were wet from rain and sweat. She was nothing but encouraging to me, and helped me see the bigger picture. So, off I went, and continued to cry, but because I was contemplating other bigger things. I made it back to 'base', got my act together thanks to so many people understanding where I was at, and trotted off to run my race.

 

Laps 6-9 I don't have much to say. Ran a lap. Ate. Repeat. I listened to Taylor Swift. After lap 8 specifically, my quads started to talk to me, and it wasn't very nice. Ya see, Hattiesburg is the flattest city I've ever lived in since starting to run. Fondren is not exactly flat. I did some treadmill incline/stair master work at the gym once a week, however it wasn't enough. So, the remainder of the time my quads kept telling me that I need to consider them more in future races. But, I was still so thrilled to be running well overall.

Lap 10 it POURED. So, I took off my shirt, left my phone, and set off in the monsoon. It was fun to see the other runners who made the same choice as myself. We encouraged each other and laughed at our craziness. I felt pretty bad a$$ that I kept going, despite the weather.

Lauren

Lap 11 is when Lauren arrived to join me for the last 4 laps. She was with lots of energy, ready to help me embark on my goals. My brain was mush by this point, so I said 'huh?' a million times. 😂 I was so happy that she devoted her afternoon to helping me finish my goals. She kept telling me this is friendship.

Tara

Lap 12 is when Tara arrived to support me. It made my heart so happy to see her, because she came all the way from Memphis to sit at a tent and watch me run in circles. Thankfully, my running friends chatted with her, so she got to experience the community that I am so grateful for. I was so happy to have made it this far, and knew I was in it to win it.

Lap 13 is when I hit 40 miles. I cried happy tears from the overwhelming feelings of though I am in a body bigger than I've ever been in before, I ran the second farthest distance I've ever run in my whole life. (50 miles is my PB. But when I ran the 50, I was in a significantly smaller body, entangled in my eating disorder.) Lauren reminded me about how this race is the culmination of the last few years of my journey. How I had to come back to the USA from Peru for eating disorder treatment in 2022, with a stop in a psych hospital to be involuntarily committed. I was unsure of if I would make it back to live in Peru again, unsure of if I'd get to the place in recovery where I could do endurance sports again, and unsure if I would get the life back that I desperately desired. I cried grateful tears over how many people showed up for me Saturday- physically and emotionally. All my friends at FUU were nothing but encouraging to me on the course, telling me how great I was doing, how courageous I was, how strong I was, and many other encouraging things. Everyone at 'base' was nothing but ready to help me meet my goals, and helped me get nutrition down my throat; including, but not limited to: pizza, pancakes, donut holes, various fruits, pickle juice, coke, brownie pieces, and other random snackies. And of course my friends who were messaging me, letting me ramble and rant about all the things happening- all day. This lap was the one that helped me see that I truly couldn't have made it this far without my tribe.

 

Lap 14 is when I struggled emotionally (and physically) to finish. Kilometer 1 I was so physically tired, I closed my eyes while walking. Lauren had to be like MEG YOU CAN'T WALK/RUN WITH YOUR EYES CLOSED. Kilometer 2 is when I was looking for the kilometer 3 sign, so I could sit down, and call Tara to come get me- that I was done. I mean, I did 42 miles! However, Lauren didn't allow that to be an option. I hated her through and through. Kilometer 3 is when Lauren asked me a question that I will use for future endurance races, "Is it your mind or body that is making you not be able to run right now?" I was pissed at the moment because I just wanted to lay down. However, after a few minutes, I realized she was right. I trained for this race- hard. I put in the work. My mind was what was done. So, kilometer 4 I decided to finish, and started to 'run'. I use quotes because honey- you could've crawled next to me and still kept up. But it was still the mental difference of 'I am still running after 42 miles.' Kilometer 5 have the '2 stupid hills' as Lauren and I called it. I ran up the first one- and Lauren kept telling me how awesome I was for doing that. We approached the second one, and I lost my mind because I was so close. I rounded the last turn, texted Tara I was close, and attempted to clear up my sobbing red face (newsflash- it didn't work). Lauren left me to run the finish line by myself, cheered for me alongside everyone else there. I crossed the timing mat, and fell into the arms of Lauren and Tara crying over how crazy the experience was. My friend, David J, got his goal mileage, and he hugged me while I cried over finishing. I hugged everyone there, trying (and failing) to not cry over the emotion of it all. Honestly, it was such a cathartic experience. I wouldn't change a thing over my reaction to finishing. 

After crossing the finish line, crying my eyes out from the emotion of it, hugging everyone, and realizing just how badly my quads hurt, I sat down, and started shaking uncontrollably because I still didn't have a shirt on because my sports bra, shorts, and socks were soaking wet. Thankfully, Tara went and got the car. I ended up sitting in the blasting heat for 30 minutes warming up. (Sorry Tara for putting you in a literal sauna.) We got Raising Cane's for dinner. It was delicious! I slept about 4-5 hours because any time I moved, pain radiated through my thighs, so I woke up.

I want to share what I *think* is everything that I consumed.

6am: 3 cinnamon rolls
5 min before: piece of crumbl cookie
During: Like 3 cuties, 1/2 apple w caramel, 2 pieces of cheese pizza, piece of watermelon, 2 pancakes (1 w syrup), 2 donut holes, 3 brownie pieces, 2 pieces of crumbl cookie, 10 "shots" of pickle juice followed by a chaser of 2 shots of coke- per pickle juice shot, 80% bottle of root beer, 3 gels, 1/2 pack gu gummies, 1/2 pb and j, and the star of the show, 12 running bottles of tailwind (12 oz). (For you normal people- Tailwind is kinda like Gatorade, but a better formula for endurance sports. It provides all the electrolytes and carbs needed.)
After: At the finish line, a bottle of body armor flash IV, then a few hours later when I was feeling it, Raising Cane's.

Overall, I genuinely enjoyed 85% of the day, so I count that as a major win. (I enjoyed 12/14 loops- which equates to 85%. LOL) I have big goals for the fall season, and can't wait to start training for them. I learned a lot during FUU that I will implement in future endurance races.

For now? I will spend the next few weeks letting my body heal and recover, before jumping into triathlon training. I will have a few Saturdays where I don't spend the whole day training- what ever am I supposed to do?! Hit a girl up for some plans plz. 

If you made it this far, congrats- you are a trooper.

Love,
Meg

She is finally back!

I haven't blogged in so long, I don't even know where to start. Do I talk about 2021? 2022? 2023? Do I talk about the darkness that engulfed me for so many months? Or the healing that is being found with my new therapist? And what is up with all the protests? (newsflash: Peruvians be crazy.)
Instead of giving an overview, I think I'll just pick up where I am at in life right now.

Every year I pick a word of what I want to define my year. This year is no different. 
My word: hard.
Now. You are probably thinking 'wow that is a downer to WANT a hard year.' But just hang on a second and lemme explain.

I want any and everything I do to be *done* hard. Love hard. Play hard. Work hard. Recover hard. Fight hard. Laugh hard. Therapize hard. Deconstruct hard.
You get the picture.
I want to look back on this year and see the majesty of healing. I hope I spend the whole year in Peru.

I want to show off how well I'm doing in eating disorder recovery by showing off how organized my fridge is every week. I meal prep on weekends, and bring my lunch to school all week. I even have lunch buddies!! (My room is a mess, so don't think I have *all* my shit together.)

The question everyone is wondering; how is my mental health? I'd rate a solid 7 out of 10. I have a mundane day-to-day life. Go to school. Do Spanish. Various therapy appointments. Sleep; weekends I rest a lot, and prepare for the following week. My Bipolar disorder comes to play every once in a while, but it's just a day or two, and then subsides. Overall I am a stable human being, and endlessly thankful for it too.

I enjoyed my time with AnaLu, but every chapter has to have an ending. I have a new main therapist; Karin. She lives in Brazil on a farm! She likes bugs, and according to my friend Dee, has 'kind eyes'. (I still have Stateside Karen for check-ins.) Yes. I have KarIn and KarEn. So they are named 'Brazil Karin' and 'Stateside Karen'. Brazil Karin and I do a LOT of IFS (Internal Family Systems) stuff. I get to seek Self, talk with Little Meg, and explore all the parts of my system with Karin. It's so healing. 😍

 

I got my hair cut!! 

Oh I have a new job! I work at Change. It's still an English teaching school, just a smaller, more individualized place. Here are some of my co-workers and I going out for drinks. (For all my friends worried about med compliance- it's a mocktail.) We are on week 8 out of 10 of summer camp; imagine over 2 months of VBS y'all. I'm TIRED; it's so fun.

So. It's going. It's not stopping, and I don't want it to. I hope I never *fully* forget the darkness that entangled me, so that the hope of there being a new day will never fade. 

My privilege because of one word.

I have been stirring over the brokenness that our world holds. How do we just sit here and watch?

This is how:

Denial. Don't think about it. You 'deserve' it. Make up stories in your head. Maybe they are a drug addict so addicts don't 'deserve' basic human rights? Maybe they are getting out of prison so they have to suffer more right? 

But...is that what Jesus would do? Would Jesus take away human needs because they are trying to deal with trauma the only way they know how at that moment? Would Jesus further shame those who already have enough for themselves and their entire family? Would Jesus keep all He made? (Spoiler alert--He freaking preached about sharing with those in need.)

I have loved living abroad to see what white privilege looks day to day. I wish more people had the opportunity to spend time in a country where everyone looks different than you. When you are meeting someone for coffee you don't know, and say 'oh I'm the girl with white skin' jokingly. When you have the honor to show that not all Americans are the stereotype--whatever it may be; living among a people group that a certain president thinks is less than. 

So, I am sure by this point most of you are saying 'yes!'. (If you aren't I suggest you stop reading.) Ok let's go a step further. What about when you see a black man vs. a white man walk by? What about when you hear accents? Or if you hear of a shooting and it's a white guy and you are surprised more? Or how 'certain' places we can cannot be?

How do we break all the patterns? I am not sure but I can tell you it starts with you and me. Not judging an accent but asking about their culture. Grabbing your bag no matter what color the person is because don't be stupid, girls. Be sad over all shootings no matter if they are black, white, or purple. Go to the places that aren't 'ok'. 

Be the difference. I don't want to tell my friend's kids about this time of life and say that I just hung out while all of the above was happening. I want to say I fought. I spoke up. I did the dang thing. I took the risks, and I hope you do too. 

October 17th- we meet again!

October is my favorite month of the year. Why?

2015 I admitted I had an eating disorder. (For reference: May 2013 anorexia came into my life.)

2016 I fell-hard-and entered into FH.

2017 I discharged from FH and started to live life outside of treatment. 

(All specifically October!)

2018 I was aimlessly teaching; recovering from my last 'go' at an OP treatment place. 

2019 October was my first month having my very own classrooms; my first calendar year without treatment.

2020? I am in the middle of a worldwide pandemic living the life I dreamed of for almost 10 years. 

October is the month I lost everything, and then gained everything back. October 17,2016 I claim as 'recovery day' because it is the day I entered into FH. I submitted my livelihood into someone else's care because my method wasn't working. The life I once had was crumbled before me, and something had to give. Without October 17th, 2016 there would be no October 17, 2017. My story wasn't and isn't over yet. 

This is the view from my kitchen window. I know. Terrible huh?

Instead of going through those years, I want to celebrate the me now. The me that knows how to deal with life without maladaptive behaviors. (Not perfectly, but we are works in progress seeking the Lord through them.) AnaLu and I are seeking recovery with all the mental illness things; with the sin in our lives and calling out the lies that are engrained in my head. We (she) talks about Jesus' love that is overwhelming. I am learning how much Satan likes to screw with me. But Jesus has come and already broke all the chains; He has called me out of slavery. 

In other news, November was the month I was supposed to visit the States, considering I left July 2019. But like many others, COVID killed that one. So, I have purchased some State-side type things including A FOUND REGULAR VANILLA COKE!! (<3 recovery) I got some BEN AND JERRY'S and DELISH sushi--some of the best I've ever had. I have run around the streets a little. (Not much because I have COVID 'long-haulers'. Ope.)

My favorite 'deal' at my favorite coffee shop here.
They may or may not know my name....

Spanish classes are so fun (as I say every time). Pao isn't quite as um.. 'treatment familiar' so we have lessons where I teach her about the crazed life. Sometimes she can only say 'so much information!'. (Sorry Pao..my friends and I sometimes laugh at with you.) I am learning the last conjugation pattern so that is cool. (Don't worry there are MANY rules still to go.) I had a meeting in Spanish with the people not speaking slower for me and I *mostly* kept up. Pao endures my stories and aimless information and listens as if it's actually interesting. 😅 She has gotten a bit 'bold' of how she tells me no. The first few months: 'ummm not exactly but...' Now? 'mmm no.' HAHA <3 Jenni and I have 'fun' I guess...last session she said 'And is that working for you?' I said no. She just stared at me. OPE. But she's supportive of my life here, and helps me seek the best one possible.

I got a bike. Cute huh??

I cooked my favorite Peruvian dish (pastel de pap) by my self!!

Jesus is showing up and showing out (as always). He is showing me His consistency amidst inconsistency. He is showing me there is ALWAYS a way out. He is showing me the balance of feminism and His Word. He is continually here, even when I don't want Him to be. I am thankful for AnaLu to point me to His Truth and not her words.

I got new shoes and a new bookbag. Cute huh?

(Politics are hilarious here. I <3 it because basically everyone doesn't like Trump since he doesn't like foreign people. So I can be open about my love for Kamala Harris.) 

The end. 

2 months later....

And just like that, 2 months has passed since I last blogged. The last you heard I was diagnosed with COVID. Clearly I survived and am happily back teaching and running.

Nighttime view of the city.

I did something in the top 5 biggest positive things only me and Jesus accomplished: 

The other 4:
- participating in a Bible memorizing competition that taught me front to back hundreds of verses
- 'graduating' treatment
- graduating university
- moving to Peru

And 5......

I NOW LIVE IN MY VERY OWN APARTMENT AND PAID FOR EVERY PART.

The view from my kitchen.

Yes...a British table. Shout out to my besties from Peru: Johnny and V.

Why is this such a big deal? For 28 years, I have needed Mike Anderson to pay for many things: all my medicine, therapy, psychs, etc. When I needed something 'extra' I always had to call him. Now Mike Anderson only pays for insurance and Jenni (dietitian) because of conversion rate. I paid for the 'down payment' required for my apartment, every single item in the place, WiFi; even my cell phone I spontaneously needed.
I have always needed help because shortly after graduating university, I was on and off in treatment for 3 years. And in-between working only jobs vs. careers to try to stay out of treatment. (Clearly that worked well.) When I moved to Peru, everyone held their breath and hoped for the best. But I knew God had so much more in store. THIS was what I thought I wouldn't get to for years. To live solo; to pay for myself. To make enough to SAVE money to pay for everything. To get to tell dad I don't need him to pay for my fridge or stove. To walk into the store, point at a stove, and walk out with it and a mattress. I LOVE living on my own. I get to cook every night after class while listening to Friends or Gilmore girls around the apartment. I can shower with the door open, and sing and play guitar as loud as I want. 

My room before....

View from my bed now.

My usual update about AnaLu, Jenni, and Pao. Let's see. Pao's classes are fun. We are learning she has to teach/go over homework first before letting me talk because she's too nice to tell me to shut up lol. She listens to my crazy antics, small things, continual mistakes; all the while learning different facets of the crazy people realm of life. (Sometimes she says 'wow that is a lot!' or 'I understand your words, but I don't understand' lol.) AnaLu in a phrase: the best worst thing. I'm learning what healing truly is, what hard things really are; what it's like to trust someone with lots of silence of simply space holding. She prays with me, for me, and challenges me more and more. Jenni is grandly mean <3. We are processing what 'normal' looks like, and at one point we just stared at each other because it was sliiiiightly tense. She started to laugh and said 'well we are just starting at each other'. Ope.
All 3 of these people are so filling for me; I spend 6 hours everyday pouring into groups of students, so it's nice to have someone everyday help me. It's not selfish-it's having what is needed so I can serve Jesus more and more.

Other things that are big but don't get a story about: I 'got' to stop suddenly one medicine and quadruple another medicine in one day; God provided. My iPhone died so I didn't have a phone for almost a month; I am now in the Andriod club. Classes are wonderful. BUSY, but fun! No international travel still, so no United States visit in 2020. My best friends here (A 'not' 6 year old and 6 year old) moved back to England, so this was our last time together until next time. (ETA: Christmas 2021!)

V gave everyone who came a sticker. Yes- I walked around the city all day with it.

Johnny, V, and myself

So-that's all I got for now. Praise the Lord for redemption, rest for your soul, Stateside friends, and most of all- Chik-fil-a forever in my heart. 

How do you even title this one? You don't.

This wasn't in the plan when moving to Peru. This wasn't supposed to be how I blog about being here one year. What does this look like living in Peru? Living thousands of miles from the States, and dad. 

July 15th I got tested and found out I tested positive for COVID. I had no symptoms except being very tired that week. My roommate and I got tested because one of her friends that comes over tested positive. 

I was pressing 'answer call' to talk to my sweet dietitian, Jenni. Pati had handed me the paper. I casually said oh so we are good? She started talking but all I saw was the word 'positivo'. I threw the paper on my bed, said cool, turned to the camera, mouthed 'I have COVID.' and laughed. (I told Pati I'd come back in 40 minutes because I was talking to my friend.) I turned to Jenni and might of said an unkind word about me having said virus whilst laughing. She laughed then said 'omg I am so sorry for laughing!!' I said well I started it so totally warranted. jeje ;) 

Me after being tested.

Cue alllllllllll afternoon/night talking around the world to everyone at Cultural, who was nothing but helpful, and freaking out. I reassured them I was ok, but I can imagine finding out the gringa has COVID was not in their plan either. We talked about them taking all my classes for the rest of the month. I said it was ok but they insisted. I have been brought my groceries, medicine, and art things I requested from Sandro too! Cultural has been nothing but helpful and all my buds here checking on me.

Now: I did every single thing 'right'. I left my house 1x a week. We sanitized and washed every time we left the house. I stayed in my room all the time except when I went to sit on the sidewalk to talk to AnaLu/Pao/Jenni. But COVID takes no consideration.

AnaLu and I talked about what the heck I am going to do to rejuvenate myself while staying mentally strong while my body processes this. We came up with great ideas, including doing art again! I loved art at Fairhaven, and did it some in the states, but life got in the way. So, I am excited to get back at it!

Can't wait to spend more time here when I can!

How do I feel? I mean really my symptoms are not bad! I am very tired. Very. Very. Tired. I cannot stay awake for more than 4/5 hours at a time. With caffeine and talking to fiends. Very confused/disassociating. Why? Stay tuned. Plus side I can breathe fine. I cough but I always cough so who knows what is what. I feel emotionally overwhelmed. I feel extremely sad my entire lifestyle has had to change drastically- yet again. I can't wait for that test in 2 weeks to tell me negative. That is the goal. 

Me zooming my best friends (Englishman friend Johnny and his 6 year old) here in AQP. Probably the highlight of all of July. They are some funny people clearly. 

 God has been really showing me and teaching me a lot about head knowledge to heart knowledge. And I think it was FOR this time. I am a touchy person. I haven't touched a person in over 125 days. I was craving it and AnaLu has been telling me that God provides all our needs-even physical ones. She always tells me God is embracing me and holding my hand in everything. And I truly started to believe it about a month ago. And God really is doing all of those things for me right now since no one else can. God is showing off and showing out in my heart and I couldn't be any more thankful. I don't understand why this is happening, but praise the Lord my therapist and Spanish teacher love Jesus. Pao said, '(this is a Sunday school answer) but God has a plan for everything and we don't know why now but maybe later. But He does.' and I was like ope truth girl. I am endlessly thankful to be able to jump into God's arms and KNOW He is there to catch me. Always.

 

Throwback to one year ago!

So, that's that. One year down. Many more to go in this beautiful place I call home.

It's June. That's all.

Another blog to say 'I want to eat food not at my house' but still can't. The only places I have stepped foot in since March are 3 types of places: 2 grocery stores, 1 bank, and pharmacies. Because that is all that is open LOL But I am liking the time to just--be. To spend time doing Spanish, lesson planning, and processing life. To spend time being by my self and growing.

Socks and flops-my 'look' inside.

Don't worry dad is still just as 'funny' as ever. 

I really enjoy videoing my people occasionally. (excluding Jenni, Pao, y AnaLu--duh they are the best part of each day. Well, them and sleep.) I am tired of social media yet cannot stay off. It is how I feel included back in the states.

Just a few of the many people from Pinelake Clinton I get to see every Sunday night.

I am really processing Christ in my life with AnaLu..or some places lack there of.

Within the Christian realm there is this thing of posting pics of a coffee cup, Bible, and journal with a Bible verse in the caption. I enjoy posting encouraging Bible verses because I want my brothers and sisters in Christ to be uplifted with me because His Word is Truth. While those moments are real, genuine, and intimate, there are also moments of choosing our flesh; having non-picturesque moments with Him. The moments of running from God because you don't want to acknowledge sin. Or not spending much/any time with Jesus that morning and the day is feeling the lack of Truth. 

I'm not here to tell you things that I am running from, the mornings I don't have Jesus time, or the places I am praying through allowing Jesus to enter. I AM here to tell you that being authentic about Jesus and I's relationship with AnaLu listening and challenging me, is one of the best decisions I have made here. It's hard, messy, emotional, breaking, and many other things. It is breaking every facet of my heart and putting it back together with Christ as the glue. But is also sweet, growing, progress, humbling, and many more. 

While Davis and I took a break walking back with our groceries. I walk back home 1.5 miles every Saturday with my groceries. Remember--no eating out so legit a week!

Realizing I had these headphones is one of the best parts of quarantine.

One thing I have been talking about with Jenni and AnaLu is my identity of being a runner and finding myself in that. And one ironic thing I realized is...the very identity I am trying to get away from is the one that I for so long couldn't accept-despite being. I truly couldn't call myself an athlete; despite having run 50 miles, doing a freaking Ironman, and having many podiums. But, it didn't happen overnight. It was months of people at Fairhaven encouraging me to seek identity outside my body--so I put it in running. And that was great then. It was all apart of the healing process. However, we are in the next 'step'. Of seeing that Christ calls me to His heart to love like Him and live out His Word. And that entails finding my identity in ONE place: His arms; heart; love; Word. I am grasping that if I could never run another step, though devastating it would be, that my inner self would never change because Christ in me never changes. 

Weekly workout dates with some Peruvian runner buds.

My classes are great. I feel like I am really figuring out virtual teaching, and decided I could do it long term, so I am not complaining haha. That's about it right? Jesus, running, teaching..yep.

I contemplated not sharing- but if it makes you feel uncomfortable that's your issues.
Because--I'm freaking hilarious.