Modern-day miracles alongside meds in Memphis for Meg

*I hope you appreciated my alliteration for the title*
The weeks are starting to blend together.  5 weeks done.  5 weeks of battling my own version of hell; figuring out the hotter parts, how to steer away, and how to handle them in the inevitable times to cross paths with it.  Not necessarily getting rid of it with water, but handling the various degrees with sun screen, proper clothing and visors.

My newfound run buddy and I!

One of the 484392857 topics we process though is about what 'society' deems 'normal'. We do some work about what our 'Self' wants for us despite pre-conceived notions.  That we have different 'parts' that want different things, but there is 'Self' amidst it all.  I keep going back to that I want to be a 'teacher of passions' and 'an advocate for voices who can't/won't'. Quite honestly, the longer I am here, the more I realize that life when I get home is going to hit hard. I will jump back into the run culture of 'earning' certain food group calories. I will be challenged with 'good' foods and 'bad' foods despite my eating chocolate covered raisins happiness here. I will hear about peoples' weight loss successes, hear numbers that are triggering, and yet be back on the best staff on planet Earth that I miss dearly.  I LOVE our running community, but am learning much of what we 'practice' might not be pro-recovery. That's a tough one to type. Let's also not forget I assume I'll be home sometime in the *hopefully* beginning of 2017-HELLO WEIGHT LOSS CUZ IT'S NEW YEAR. So then we will have the 'X' number of calorie diets swirling around like leaves in Memphis on a crisp, fall day.
If I could scream from the mountain tops how many calories I have previously 'survived' off of, what I thought was normal, and what I eat now; each time the number has more than DOUBLED. Yeah. That's a fun pill to swallow. Diet is a word that will never enter the Meg realm again-and in our society that isn't exactly ''normal" for anyone over a size 2. But alas, I want to teach my newfound discovery of all food is equal, and scream it for those who won't.

Delicious yogurt bowls like this aren't in eating disorder hell, but only found in the deep water filled, recovery abyss.

Something I have had on my mind for a while now is how the heck to balance that I have been a Christ-follower amidst all of this. I know if I would've died neck-deep in my eating disorder that my salvation was and IS secure in Him.

I feel like lots of Christians feel 'ok' with saying, "I have had seasons of struggling with depression/anxiety/etc. when 'X' happened...but I prayed about it and realized I wasn't giving over 'X' to God, and wow it's so much better now." (I'm NOT discounting those experiences by any means!) But, then proceed to tell me books that will help me get closer to God because that HAS to be the issue, certain prayers to pray, what they did, bible verses, identity crisis help, etc.

What about those that are born with brain chemicals out of your control?
What if you can't help that some days you want to jump out of your skin from being so manic, to 2 days later struggling to get out of bed?
What if your season of struggling is my everyday?
What if you were told that you have a disease in your brain that some people don't believe in, that isn't curable, but is something that you have to learn to manage?
What about the fact that prayer plus doctors is hunky dory for my gallbladder help, but when it comes to my brain- not so much?
WHAT IF my Jesus experience involves relying on Him to show me what to DO to get better?

Getting to encounter God during my runs in my favorite part of the day.

I am here to say that I believe in miracles; modern-day miracles.  I believe that God so perfectly gave doctors the brains and tools to figure out HOW to make medicine to help my brain be balanced to function to the best ability my brain can.
THAT my dear friends is a miracle; not necessarily never taking another psychiatric med again, but having enough self-love to know that I DESERVE modern medicine for when I get walking pneumonia AND for when I have a panic attack and need help. To believe that God is still Sovereign over brain chemicals BY PROVIDING doctors to design things to help me manage my fallen nature.

We do apartment life, Fairhaven life, and social life!

This intensive week of therapy ended on such a happy note.  Fairhaven celebrated Thanksgiving during Friday lunch.  It was such a special moment getting to sit around a table with the people who are fighting with me everyday; that I am fighting alongside.  Getting to sit with the therapists and recovery staff who are apart of our successes, tough days, laughter, tears, and everything else. Having the freedom to know judgement isn't happening and no one will make any comments about food, size, or post-meal guilt (ok we process through that one).
One-in-a-million experience.

My friends and I also had a 'Cheesecake challenge' night. It was fun-filled!

I cannot wait for my next blog because I will be writing it from the glorious city of CLINTON, MS!!
Thanksgiving is coming and it will be filled with Fleet Feet family Turkey Day 8k, cabin time in the woods, running friends, Ridgeland trails, NOLA trip, Pinelake family, and anything else that might come up. It's going to be glorious.

'Til then. Know that it's going. Know that the days are getting more intense; that my days are finding more and more freedom with every small battle we encounter. Know that I appreciate all the wonderful letters I write. That I might take a few weeks to write back because my brain is so mentally exhausted from group therapy. So, thank you thank you thank you my tribe. Thank you for encouraging me all the way here, and for when I come back down. It's valued more than words can express.