I hope the spark in my face of new life and freedom continues to grow.

This time last year I wrote a blog called Contentment Year where I made bold claims towards 2016; some were on point about growth, and one about 2016 being 'another year', and not 'the' year.....

Boy was I wrong.

I laugh at the fact I claimed 2016 to be 'another' year, yet it all too quickly became the year that I found rock bottom, but then got to build a new foundation upon; one that is changing the course of my life.
I can't help but hold the emotions of sadness and thankfulness simultaneously; that half of 2016 was spent in treatment. That I was really that broken; I really came to the end--twice. That I realized I needed help, and had/have a multitude of people journey beside me and fight with me.

I spent my birthday; Mardi Gras; Easter; Halloween; Thanksgiving; Jesus' birthday; New Years amidst treatment. I spent countless hours, nights, mornings, road trips, life experiences doing homework, life work, mindfulness work, processes, art, music, and all the things involved to seek recovery.

Christmas Even run with FF was EPIC; 2 people who've stood beside me and prayed me through 2016.

I hope I never grow tired of smiling when I talk about Fairhaven. I hope the intensity of the 3 weeks leading to Fairhaven doesn't dissipate. I hope I never lose the fire of experiencing newfound core beliefs I deemed weren't possible. I want to keep seeking my 'euphoric grey land'.  I hope the spark in my face of new life and freedom continues to grow. I desperately want to keep recovery.

I want recovery. I want recovery for all it's worth. I want to fight; to struggle; to FEEL; to LIVE; to BE; to embody TRUE freedom; to know what that even means. I want to continue to find the rainbow yet grey land; to seek confidence only found in Self. I need to continue to separate Ed and Bipolar as 'parts'; know there is a Meg 'Self' and know who she is apart from them. I want to eat ice cream at 10 pm; have a salad because it's yummy; run 15 miles because of the high, not because of high caloric foods. I want to have chocolate covered raisins on January 1st because I LOVE them; not start the latest fat diet.

Candiss' girlie whom my heart loves/adores/cherishes

So. Here we go 2017. I finished this year by not going to Gulfport for Christmas; I spent it with one of my BFF's, Candiss, and her family of FIVE kiddos. Oh boy was that a glorious experience!

I spent time with my Fleet Feet fam. whom I can't wait to be united with, and finished the trip with my Church family.
In case I haven't ranted enough about my love for Pinelake, I'm going to continue. The kiddos that my heart loves to teach made me Christmas cards. They were filled with cuteness, 'Jesus loves you', 'Merry Christmas', 'praying for you', and my personal favorite: "Hi. I'm a new girl. You must be really nice. Can't wait to meet you." COULDN'T MAKE THIS STUFF UP!

Thanks Bethany for making this happen! Best. Christmas gift. Ever.

The fact Jesus is teaching me identity lessons in my instagram literally makes me laugh.
See the picture below.
The left half is a girl who didn't want her face to be seen because she was seeking to be filled with perfection. She didn't think she was worth it; she didn't believe in the word beauty. She thought she had 'freedom', but didn't comprehend what that means.
The right half is a girl who is seeking to accept imperfection. A girl who is learning to seek compassion. She is trying to keep the raw freedom she is discovering. She values friendships, late night talks, quiet mornings with Jesus; she wants to experience the inevitable growing moments life is throwing at her. She is thankful and joy filled because stability is being found, and that is a miraculous experience she never wants to minimize.

One moment in group that really showed me how much I've learned is one day there was a new woman who joined and she was talking about some struggles she was having and Kelley (my individual) was leading the group; knowing I was battling similar things she looked at me to impart to her what I'm learning. So-I encouraged and talked, I finished and Kelley was like 'I can leave if you want and you can do this'. Obviously we all laughed and continued on, but I realized I wasn't just saying those things. I'm not just doing them like I came into FH doing; following along but not believe them to be true. I am now doing all the things because I BELIEVE them. The shift in my mind is happening before our eyes; THAT is astounding, miraculous personally. 

My response was that I have a great therapist who has taught me well. Divine appointments are real and the intricacies of who was given me to gently (and sometimes not as gently but always compassionately) see 2x a week with was DEF planned. 

So. Week 11 came and went; work is being put in; new parts of my heart are being seen. Despite the fear and shame, learning to let go is a surprising, refreshing experience.

Hello 2017 to welcome in week 12/month 3 in Cordova.