Finding Identity 'Contentment' Instead of 'Crisis'

So contentment is something I am striving towards this year, and that is permeating through every aspect of my life; more than I fathomed ever would. 

Let's take a walk through a snippet of my 'selves', and maybe you can relate with me.

 IDENTITY is one major portion.  Being CONTENT in WHERE my identity is.  Through a series of thought processes I have come to the realization (through the help of a few key buds) that I have some disordered thoughts in where I find identity.

This blog, which led to the creation of my other blog, speaks volumes to that.  As you know, there's the 'running blog', and the blog you have your eyes on; my life blog.

I created two entities for myself without even realizing, which started to change my way of living to resemble that.  I am now finding my self worth and validity as not only an athlete, but person, in something other than Christ; I am finding my 'self' in SPEED and DISTANCE.

What would happen if those two things were taken away from me?  What if I stopped associating within those realms?  Would I still be loved as dearly? Would I still have my friends? Would you still want to read about my life? Would you want to hang? Where would my 'self' be?

I know that right now you are thinking to yourself, OH PLEASE MEG! I am aware of this; this is disordered thinking, and that is the problem.  I am loved by my friends for my fun spirit, for my love that is not of myself, for being HERE.  I am not loved by my village for my 22 minute 5k, nor will I be anymore cherished for subbing 20.

However we can't stop there.  THAT would be a FALSE realization; realizing that my personality alone is why I am here; not my 'running'.  It needs one more crucial step.  'Meg' is ultimately not assured by your love; nor by my dad; or of any thing I can accomplish.  I am assured in Him. Or.  So I am supposed to believe.  Somewhere along the way I lost sight of that, which is why I am here.  Because of my outgoing, confident, love-based personality I never pondered there being a miscommunication within my self over where I am found.  That my self worth is stationed elsewhere than in the cross of Christ.  I have convinced myself that because I listen to Passion on my way to work, pray for my co-workers/buds, and even can hold my own in a 'religious' conversation that surely the core of my being is in Him..right?

 False.

 At the end of the day, I seek Meg in frivolous things that ultimately fade.  I find 'pure' joy in seeing myself get faster more than the joy of going to church. I need to start loving myself like I love my best buddies.  I could care LESS about their speed, and will be their cheerleaders at an 8 minute mile, or a 12 minute mile; a 5K or an Ironman.  Sometimes the best things we can do is listen to ourselves, and I for one am going to start working on that.  Love comes from Him.  I love hard because He first loved me HARD.  When I was running avidly away from Him, He still ran towards me.  So, the only thing left to do is to USE running to RUN towards Him until the 'race' is finished.

Idolatry leads to identity misplacement because putting any thing above Christ puts yourself first instantaneously, and that is the false gospel; doing the right things, with the right motives, with a dark heart.  I desire for my heart and livelihood to be continuously shaped to live each day CONTENT in HIM; not in my mileage for the day.

So.  Who are you really? There's a line somewhere; let's go find it.