Words flow out into the night.

I have prayed through and thought through this blog. If I would write it. If I could gain the inner strength to say I am not ok. If I could let the people who doubted if I could do this, 'win'.
But. Here I am.

Meet my 3:50 class. They have journeyed with me, and will always hold a piece of my heart.

I am figuratively around 4am on my climb up to summit Chachani. When all was dark. I knew the sun was coming in just a few hours, but, I couldn't get out of my head to see the big picture. I was only focused on each second of survival 6000 km above sea level. I questioned if I would make it, but nevertheless persisted. *Spoiler alert: I made it, and cried over the majesty of our great God.*
But right now, the top is still in the darkness.
I am in an 'episode' of darkness let's just say, that happens in my life every 5 months, outside of my control. What I CAN control is: how I can still choose joy/my mindset, how I react, and how I ask for help. In America, my friends know this happens, and know how to 'handle' me. They know it is temporary and constantly encourage me in that.  Now, I am in Peru. While I have good friends, they have not been on this journey with me; they were not there when all fell apart.They were not with me as I cried on the floor so many times. However, they are jumping in head first and I am forever grateful.

Two buddies who took me shoe shopping where I was initiated into being a full-on Peruvian.

Well, here I am falling apart yet again. But, this time will be different; IS different.
The Lord blessed my life with (and I do not say this lightly) the best therapist in my life: AnaLu. She is helping me pray so many new prayers; learn endless amounts about myself in Christ. She called me out our very first session, and though it shocked me, I knew she was the one. She is helping me see that God didn't like when x,y,z was happening when I was a kid and was there with me. Teaching me to pray to hate the things that God hates. To pray through Psalm 23. She also teaches me why my brain does what it does. She prays so fiercely for me that it is the best part of my week. (Ok I am at a place where I need to see her 2x week--so I get it twice a week!) She comes and sits next to me, holds my hands so tightly, and you can feel that she is genuinely talking to Jesus, interceding for me, and I just have the privilege to listen in. She is gracious, yet holds me accountable.

Some buddies that make life more fun.

So by the Lord's hand, AnaLu helping me, and the fight within me, I will make it through; here across the world; in the time of life I have yearned for 7 years. I feel the need to specify--this is not culture shock. I have the best life I could imagine, and yet darkness comes so hard I can barely stand myself. Disassociation comes in the middle of class, and my students are nothing but wonderful. My friends at school have noticed, and are nothing but encouraging to me. Reminding me how much they value me, and how I will make it through.

We played secret Santa and this was mine. She made me that amazing art work of encouraging notes, and my final present was a beautiful Peruvian hand bag with chocolate!

In other news, I am spending Christmas with my French friend from school, Aurora! She has graciously invited me and I am so excited to do a typical Peruvian Christmas with her, her husband, and his family (he is Peruvian). Over here, they stay up until midnight on the 24th, and open presents then. Which-my dad sent me a Christmas package! I bought color street for lots of my buddies here, and it was THE most fun thing getting to run around handing them out. My dad sent me some things that I wanted, and it was such a fun part of the week. I also ordered for him to send me a Rachel Hollis necklace that says 'not sorry'. And, what a time to wear this. To be not sorry for being so much, not sorry that I struggle with depressive episodes. Being not sorry for having such an overwhelming personality. I am thankful to have this necklace and wear it to remind myself to indeed, not be sorry. Rachel Hollis, you are a life changer and without you I wouldn't be standing here in Peru. She has inspired me to step into who I am and help me fight for ME. If you are interested, go buy the book 'Girl, Stop Apologizing', and get ready for your life to be changed.

'I take my coffee with Rach and Dave' mug and not sorry necklace!

So, I am going. I am fighting. The Lord is fighting for me, and I am taking up my staff and fighting for myself with Him inside of me. Because the same power that conquered the grave, lives in me.

I simply love reading back blogs of how the Lord provided in my crashes, and I want to be able to stand in awe of who He is. So, here we are.
Time to celebrate the birth of our Savior. To celebrate God in flesh. Perfection on Earth. I hope you don't miss the moments, and count each blessing as I am learning to do everyday.